The Professor is Back

 

 

NEWS CONFERENCE WITH THE PROFESSOR

Professor: My fellow earthlings. It is my pleasure today to announce that my campaign for President...that's President of the Universe...is going well. As you may recall, I have attempted on other occasions to run for President of the United States, but have been foiled in my attempt by others with better hair styles. This will not be a problem in running for President of the Universe because, as far as I can tell, I am the only candidate.

Newsperson #1: Professor, what will be the main points of your campaign. What issues will you tackle in your run for President of the Universe?

Professor: I have a killer platform that will be hard to beat. In fact, there has never been a platform as great as mine and have you seen the crowds at my recitals...no, no, that's not it. What do you call those things when I get up on a podium and tell jokes to the crowds? Oh yes, my...my...no matter, it escapes me at the moment, but my crowds are enormous. Why at the last one I couldn't see more that a couple feet in front of me.

Newsperson #2: Might I remind you professor that your last rally was held in a broom closet.

Professor: Ah, yes. That's what you call them. Rallies. Mine are huge. And I want you all to know that my opponents are all idiots. My brain is ten times...no, a thousand times as big and smart as theirs.

Newsperson #1: But Professor, you said just moments ago that you don't have any opponents for this election. And how is someone supposed to vote for you anyway? 

Professor: Now, that is an important question. But first I want to state emphatically that there will be cheating and massive voter fraud during the election. They'll be using those damn machines imported from Burkina Faso to count the votes and as I discovered on my old Twitter account, Burkina Faso doesn't make voting machines. So, this is all some big scam put together by the Martians. And speaking of Martians, I promise that I won't let them continue to import that red dust with impunity. I plan to raise the import tariffs on all interplanetary dust, excepting, of course, Moon dust because we all know how poor the Moonies are. Always begging for donations at airports and ski resorts. I've even donated to them myself when I have found I carried a bit of change. Not that I would do this very often, mind you. Free handouts just encourage crime...the worst kinds of crime...like bending the corners over on the pages of borrowed books or flossing your teeth in public with one of those quirky little flossing sticks.

Newsperson #3: Professor, this is all very interesting, but could you give us your position on the economy? How do you propose to stimulate the economy?

Professor: Never you mind about that. I have a plan for the economy. A very sound, very important, very big plan. The best plan that has ever been put forward. Even Michael Scott has never had a plan so completely fabulous.

Newsperson #3: Professor, you do realize that Michael Scott is a fictional character, don't you?

Professor: What do you mean--fictional? I saw him just last night on TV. You can't tell me that's fictional. Why I'll bet you don't believe that Martians eat dirt. I've seen multiple reports of this and it is truly disgusting. When I am elected President of the Universe, I promise to make dirt eating illegal...unless of course the dirt eaters wish to vote for me, then I would have to reconsider this position. But let's get back to the important issues. The Universe is going to hell in a hand basket and my opponents claim everything is fine. How can they say everything is fine when we're still allowing kids to eat hot dogs and bologna? How can they claim everything is fine when Pluto has been reduced to something other that a regular planet? How can they claim the Universe is not in trouble when scientist are discovering hundreds of new planets every year? Can you imagine the influx of immigrants that will soon be swarming to earth, taking jobs that no earthling wants, and bringing with them interplanetary diseases and crime. Crime will triple...no quadruple...if the influx of extraterrestrials does not stop. I promise to build a solid fence around the entire earth to stop this flow of unhuman garbage.

Newsperson #2: Wow, Professor. I really don't know where to start in responding to all of that.

Professor: I know. It's just overwholming...or is it overwhelming? Just be assured that I have everything under control. I intend to Make the Universe Great Again...MUGA. Isn't that a great slogan. I came up with it myself and, if you are interested, I am selling hats, scarves, jackets, coins, photos, ties, shoes, kitchen appliances, and many other valuable, high-quality items emblazoned with MUGA. These items will go fast, so get your order in soon. Just Venmo $500 for each item directly to The Professor. You will never regret the purchase of a $500 MUGA hat. No time for more questions. I can see that some in my crowd are leaving...no, no, you didn't hear me say that. The crowd is just getting bigger and bigger so that we might have to move this news conference out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

An Interview with "Q"

As many of my loyal followers know, I have been politically active for many years, even having run for President a couple of times. What almost no one, not even my closest advisors, knows is that I have been working for the past four years as an advisor to President Trump and as his liaison to the mysterious and popular figure "Q." I admit, that when the President first approached me about the opportunity, I was not certain that having a former British intelligence officer tied to the US presidency was ideal, but I was assured that no one would connect the Q in QAnon with his former role as creator of fine gadgets for 007.

So, with that introduction, I am pleased today to be able to provide my readers with a closer look inside the mind of this fascinating man.

PROFESSOR: It is so nice to have this opportunity to visit in the open Q. We have spent several years now silently working in the background and your followers are eager to know more about the man.

Q: Now, you remember that we have agreed that you will not ask any hard questions.

PROFESSOR: Yes. We'll stick with the soft-ball questions. First, Q, how did you get into the unsubstantiated rumor business?

Q: Well, after MI6 replaced me with someone younger, I floundered around a bit before I discovered that the rumor business was pretty wide open. I mean with all of the new tools you Americans have provided for fostering this sort of thing, it just seemed like a natural sort of fit. Rather than create new gadgets and always let someone else get the girls and the glory, why not be the instigator myself.

PROFESSOR: I see...so why the US? Why not have stayed in the UK and helped Boris Johnson? He seems to be similar to President Trump in many ways.

Q: Yes, that may be true. But people in the US are just so much more gullible. They will believe almost anything I put out. For example, you remember the Pizza shop business we stirred up a while back. I had no idea that someone would actually buy into that rumor. Who in their right mind would believe that powerful Democrats were secretly having orgies with underage teens in the basement of a Pizza shop? I'm not sure it even had a basement.

PROFESSOR: Yes, we've pushed that rumor about as far as we can now, haven't we? The President was pleased to see how well that rumor took off. And besides, it did deflect some of the attention from his own links to that kind of business. But enough about the past. What are your plans going forward? How long can we continue to push the "stolen election" rumors?

Q: Well, you know the President. Once we give him a good rumor to run with, he is reluctant to let it go. I am sure he will still be putting the illegal ballots and stolen election rumors forward for many years to come. Wouldn't be surprised to see him start a new reality TV show around the idea. And we actually did find some fraudulent votes. Unfortunately, most of them were discovered in the trunk of Eric's car while it was parked outside of the Philadelphia election center. I'm not sure how he was planning to get those into the system, but details like that have never bothered the Trump boys.

PROFESSOR: But again, what are your plans now that we will apparently have a new president?

Q: To be honest, I haven't thought too much about it. I suspect I will take a bit of a vacation (I apologize to all those waiting to hear from me). And after that, who knows? Perhaps Nancy Pelosi could use a good person in the unsubstantiated rumor department. 

PROFESSOR: Well, it has been a pleasure to work with you for the last few years and I am sure we'll be hearing more from you in the future. Rumors and conspiracy theories are always in style.

Professor Claims He Told the Truth

NEWS BULLETIN: Professor Denies Fabricating Story

For some reason, completely unknown to me, a few of my loyal readers questioned the truth of my story (you can read it here) about doing the splits at the Smith's store last week. This kind of reaction troubles me a great deal. As one who must keep his record untarnished in order to maintain the confidence of the voting public and the respectability of the political system, I felt I needed to respond to these unfounded accusations of dishonesty. I might have added a little color to the story to make it more palatable to the general public, but this is nothing more than what is commonly accepted among those involved in political life.

So, to provide the media and my loyal followers evidence for the incident, I have included the picture below. Please, due to the nature of the photo, do not allow young children or old men to view this. It may be just too graphic for them even though I will say that my legs have always been one of my better features. I appreciate the opportunity to clear up these rumors. Sincerely, The Professor.

Time to Get the Campaign Rolling Again!

My dear friends and supporters -- After taking the summer off to recover from trouble brought on by some meddlesome doctors (and also to allow my competitors time to thoroughly beat up on themselves) I am back. The VOTE FOR BART campaign is moving forward. Interestingly, my absence over the summer does not seem to have had much of an impact. In fact, I wonder if my competitors, Gov. Romney and Pres. Obama, had taken a break like I did, would the voters not be in a better mood with the election approaching? The answer to that question is so obvious that I won't even bother to answer.

However, facts are facts (except of course when they're not). What I mean to say is that the race is still wide open, and you–the faithful who have continued to support my campaign, even when I had given up on it myself–are the ones who will decide the outcome of this race.

Amazingly, the latest poll numbers look good. In the key swing voter towns of Avoca, Iowa and Pine Bush, New York the election is close: Obama 22%, Romney 22%, Pat Paulsen 22%, Ross Perot 22%, George McGovern 22%, undecided 22%, and Bart 0.22%.

At first, we were rather disappointed in these poll numbers because we were pretty sure that Pat Paulsen was dead and that George McGovern was pretty close to dead as well. It didn't seem quite fair that they had as many 2's in their poll numbers as we did. However, after looking more closely at the overall picture, it seems obvious that our supporters are reluctant to "tip their hand" to the pollsters. They are, as we have suspected for some time, waiting to cast their ballot in November rather than become party to the pre-election guessing game that entangles so many campaigns. Besides, if the voters are really that anxious to cast their ballot for a dead or nearly dead person, why then I'm their man. Just ask anyone who has had to sit next to me in one of our university committee meetings. I can compete with the best of the really dead ones.

So, get out there and put up those lawn signs. Help get the word out that the VOTE FOR BART campaign is headed for victory in November...particularly if I can remember to get my absentee ballot request in.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect]

Vote for Bart - The Campaign Heats Up!

I am certain that most of you caught my performance at the recent South Evangilina presidential debate. It was another instance of the liberal and conservative media trying to twist everything I said into bigotry and lies. For those of you who may have missed the debate, I have asked my staff to provide you with a few essential excerpts here that show you the despicable, deplorable, downright dirty tactics taken by the media. It started right with the first question of the debate, which was directed at me.

Moderator: Professor, is has been reported in the news today that you have been married to the same woman for over 32 years? Would you care to respond to this claim.

Professor: No...but I will. I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic such as that! I think the destructive, vicious, dog-eat-dog, dirty, negative, under-the-table, horrific, muck-raking nature of most of the media makes it harder to...what? [a member of the Professor's staff has just slipped him a note] Oh, excuse me, I think my cue cards got mixed up. Ah, here we are. Yes, yes it's true...I have been married to the same woman for over 32 years. Something I am very proud of. This is definitive, complete, and positive proof that I am a man of family values, of moral dimension, and that I am deeply involved in the human conversation. How can anyone be married for over 32 years and not be deeply involved in the human conversation.

Moderator: Thank you Professor. As a follow up question -- It has also been reported by your wife of 32 years on a competing network that you regularly wash dishes, iron your own shirts, and make your own lunch. Would you care to respond to these allegations?Professor: No...but I will. I am disgusted that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic such as this! Oh, excuse me, I think I said that already. Ah, yes...here we are. The media continues to make it harder and harder to keep our private lives under the covers...no, wait a minute...that didn't sound right. What I mean to say is that they make it harder to be a governor, and I intend to be a great governor when I am elected president! What? No, I'm not running for Governor...I'm running for president. But listen here Bill...to take a wife of 32 years and make things like this an issue in a presidential campaign is as close to despicable as I can imagine. Although I do think that the movie "Despicable Me" came pretty close to what I would imagine. And it is true that I do not have a very good imagination. Nonetheless, this is utterly despicable!

Moderator: As you know Professor, this was not something that came from my own network, but it is something that has been reported on the campaign. I get your point. I want to assure you that I get your point.Professor: Bill...Bill...it was reported and repeated on your network. You chose to start this debate with it. Don't you dare try to pass this off onto someone else. You are in bed with the rest of the media and I am not going to tolerate this kind of behavior in a presidential debate where we should be talking about the economy, world peace, and family values. You and all the rest of the media keep throwing up this smokescreen of nonsense and sensationalizing the trivial details of our personal lives, all the while ignoring the true issue of who is the fittest among the contenders to lead the country. The fittest is obviously me. Me! It should be obvious to everyone. I am an angry, anti-establishment, non-insider insider who knows more about the workings of Washington than any of my establishment, insider opponents. I have never dirtied my hands in the cesspool of capitalism! I have never trampled over the rights of the common working class. No! I am just a "Regular Joe" like all of these great people here in South Evangilina, who don't care in the least if there are some blemishes on my personal life like fixing my own lunches. What they care about are issues, real issues. Issues like who should be allowed to move into their neighborhoods and which president has had the most counties names after him. These are issues I can fix if given your vote. So, let's get on with the debate and then elect a president who is neither a slimy amphibian nor an implement for catching baseballs. Elect me!

Don't Be Too Hard On Herman!

[We join a news conference of the "Vote for Bart" campaign in progress]
REPORTER: So, why are you coming out in support of Mr. Cain this week, Professor?

PROFESSOR BART: My campaign staff wanted me to remain quiet, but I simply felt like I must speak out. As a fellow candidate for the 2012 Presidential election, I can sympathize with the problems that Herman Cain has been having. First, the man is going to be 66 years old this December. So, we need to be a little more understanding. It's hard for us of the older generation to remember why we left one room and wandered into another let alone things that happened several years ago. When Herman says he can't remember if it was one, two, or ten women that he harassed, why can't we just accept that statement instead of continuing to badger him. I think it's all a trumped up plot of the liberal news media anyway...or perhaps the campaigns of some of my other opponents...Rumney and Peery, most likely.

REPORTER: Don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Who?

REPORTER: I said, don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Oh...yes, Romney and Perry. But I thought we were talking about Harry Cahn's campaign and his trouble with smoking. I don't smoke myself, but if Harry wants to smoke in his ads, he ought to have the protection of the 35th amendment.

REPORTER: I'm sorry Professor, but did you mean Herman Cain? And I don't think there is a 35th amendment. And I thought we were discussing sexual harassment, not smoking.

PROFESSOR BART: I'm not sure why you keep changing the subject on me. Just typical news media tactics, I suppose. But let me be clear on this...I don't support sexual harassment, I have never been accused of it, and to be perfectly honest, I... (the professor pauses, leans over to his staffer standing next to him, and whispers: "Can you remind me what we were talking about.")

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]

Hunting for Votes

My dear friends and supporters, I have been so busy out on the campaign trail that I have not taken the time I should have to keep you up to date on how things are going.

You might perhaps have noticed that I was not present at any of the recent debates. I actually went to New York City last week to participate in one of these, but learned upon arriving that the debate was in California. The trip was not a total loss, however, because I was able to hold a vigorous debate with a cab driver about the best way to get from Central Park to the Empire State Building...and I think I can say that without a doubt, I was the clear winner. Of course, I didn't really understand what the cab driver was saying because he wasn't speaking English. In fact, I'm not sure anyone in New York City actually speaks English anymore.

On the return trip from New York, however, I had time to ponder the best plan for moving up in the polls this Fall. And it occurred to me that Fall...besides being a great time to roast chestnuts, rake leaves, and watch football...it also hunting season. What better way could there be to grab the attention of the voting public than to go on a hunting trip. It is just so...American! It doesn't hurt that there are 47 million Americans that love to go hunting and fishing.

Besides this approach has a proven track record. How else can you explain the fact the George W. Bush beat Al Gore? Bush went hunting and Gore did not. According to James A Swan in the National Review, almost all of our presidents have gone hunting. John Kerry pretended to go hunting, but everyone saw right through that.

This will not be a problem for me. I have a long and glorious tradition of hunting. Well...to be honest, I haven't actually been hunting in over 25 years, but I used to hunt...or at least I tried to hunt. There was that time I went grouse hunting with my dad and forgot to wear my corrective eyewear. I was certainly close to hitting a grouse and the log I did shoot at looked an awfully lot like one.

Then there was the time I went deer hunting...also with my dad (hunting was kind of a dad sort of thing)...that time I actually got a deer even though I had again forgotten my corrective eyewear. I still believe that what I shot at was a four-point buck and that before I could get to him, someone else switched animals and replaced my buck with a zero-point doe.

Nonetheless, as you can see, I have a certified history of hunting. This, I believe, will sell well with the American public. So, don't be surprised if you see me out in the mountains this fall...let's see now...where did I put those glasses?

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues,Vote for Bart, Mr. President, Governor Rick Perry Enters the Race]

Governor Rick Perry Enters the Race

VOTE FOR BART

It has been an exciting week on the campaign trail. I am sure all of you noticed that our campaign was not mentioned among those competing in the Iowa straw poll. We actually were written in on several ballots, but for some reason...we suspect collusion among the media outlets as the culprit...our vote total was not reported. But if you add up the totals for all of the other candidates, you will see that about 6% of the vote total is unaccounted for. That's almost double the votes for some of the other candidates, so we are not feeling too bad about the outcome.

The entrance of Gov. Rick Perry of Texas into the race has complicated things a bit. First of all, he seems to be almost a clone of Mitt Romney...nice hair, good looks, etc...you know the type. I simply can't believe that voters would prefer a political clone like Perry over someone like me! Just look at my face (see above). My face has character and depth and lousy hair. And you certainly would never accuse me of having good looks.

Gov. Perry does seem to have quite widespread support. In fact, his support is so strong that he has decided to take on not only the other Republican candidates, but the whole scientific establishment as well. The news this morning reports that Governor Perry has rejected the notion of global warming. This is something that will certainly resonate with the voting populace, who are perfectly happy with the climate the way it is. It is so refreshing to see that someone out there is willing to stand up and say "enough already!" Besides, it was way too cold in my home state this year for any of us to believe in global warming. I've never really believed in the theory of a round Earth either. Maybe, Gov. Perry can get that straightened out for us as well.

Now, lest you think that I am considering ending my campaign for president and jumping on the Perry bandwagon...consider again. I am in this for the long haul and even though Perry may have a good idea or two, I think we can certainly beat him at that game. Just this morning I have asked my staff to prepare a new campaign initiative on principles of science that we can reject. My personal favorite is gravity. I simply do not believe in it and I am sure that we will be able to find numerous scientists from whom we can extract statements of support for this. I mean, think about it! Scientists are asking us to believe that objects, even if we aren't touching them, are pulling on us. Preposterous! To me this sounds no more believable than Harry Potter and his magical friends at Hogwarts. In fact, I think there might be something to this magic stuff. Why once when I was a kid I thought I actually made an acorn fall off of a tree and hit Biggy Thorman right on the head.

At any rate, you will be seeing lots more of this debunking of poorly supported scientific claims. Gravity is just the start. I mean can you see gravity? Can you smell it? Hear it? Taste it? Absolutely not! Sometimes you might think you feel something like gravity, but I'll bet there are a dozen other explanations for it. So, get the word out...gravity is a much bigger issue than global warming. This is one area where Governor Perry is going to have a difficult time keeping up with the "Vote for Bart" campaign.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President

Politicians Love a Parade

I hope you will all be watching for the "Vote for Bart" campaign in Monday's 24th-of-July parade. I don't know yet if we will actually make it into the parade, but the campaign staff is hopeful. We do have a few minor problems to hurdle first, however. The first problem is that we've had some trouble lining up a limo. The last I heard, we had been offered an old lime-green VW bug with pink flowers on the doors...hardly appropriate for a distinguished politician such as myself.

But the parade...ah, now every politician loves a parade, and I am no exception. Thousands of voters lining the streets just waiting to shake your hand...with their hand that probably hasn't been washed in a week or perhaps was just used to wipe their nose, or who knows what else.

And then there's the babies. You have to kiss the babies, I suppose. Not that I don't love babies, you understand, it's just the thought of what else has been touching those little cheeks...or what might still be hanging from their little noses.

Oh...and I forgot the horsey stuff...you know what I mean. I just don't know what I would do if I got stuck behind a bunch of horses. Yes, they do try to clean it up...those little clowns following the horses and scooping it all up...but there is always some residue. And if the parade is moving too fast they just can't get it all.

Well perhaps, since we can't get the limo, we...and I hate to disappoint those of you who were counting on seeing me in the parade...we may not make it this year. But feel free to pass out some "Vote for Bart" fliers if you do go.

Ice cream politics

The "Vote for Bart" 2012 election committee has informed me that I need to be a little more open about my personal family life and help the public feel like they are all my close friends (which of course they are...I love the general public as long as I don't have to have them all over for Sunday dinner). Anyway, a few tidbits about me...let's see...oh yes, I love to read the world almanac, usually in that special small room with one seat and a fan.

I am also an avid slug and snail hunter -- it's quite relaxing...just get up early in the dim light of the morning after a rain or after the sprinklers have been on, take a small bucket and pluck them off of the hostas and marigolds...in no time you will have enough of these small creatures to feel very good about the upcoming day. And the best part is that the next morning there will be just as many back again to fill your bucket once more. They seem to come in a never ending supply. I have even thought of having my advisors look into this phenomenon...it may be that we could discover something to help the economy.

What was that?...I'm sorry but one of my advisors has suggested that perhaps slugs and almanacs are not quite the ticket to winning the public affection. So...what else could I tell you?

Oh, I know. Everyone likes food and so do I. In fact, I actually like to cook. Why for the 4th of July this year, I made a delicious potato salad (actually, I just boiled the potatoes and eggs, but they were perfectly done potatoes and eggs). In addition, my wife suggested that I make some homemade ice cream. This, of course, is a guy kind of thing because it involves something with a motor attached to it. She suggested coconut, as a flavor. Well, I had never made coconut ice cream, but as a progressive, action oriented sort of person, I did not let this deter me.

I buzzed off to the store and purchased two bags of ice, a quart of cream, and a can of coconut milk. I then returned home to the laboratory...er, I mean kitchen. There I heated three cups of good cane sugar and a cup of water until it boiled. This is always my starting point for ice cream. Usually I will then add a quart of pureed fruit or something similar, but this time I threw in the can of coconut milk (actually I just put in the milk and not the can), juice from about eight limes (maybe 2/3 cup of juice) and the juice from one lemon. To this I added the quart of cream and a pint of milk along with about a half-teaspoon of coconut flavoring. Then into the ice cream maker.

As luck would have it, halfway through the churning of the ice cream, the motor broke. This of course was no problem for someone such as myself with forethought and a clear vision of the future. I simply pulled out an older machine that I had neglected to send off to the dump and finished the job. The coconut-lime ice cream was a smashing success. I would heartily recommend it to any of my supporters.

I hope that this has given you more insight into the man behind the campaign. I also encourage you to spread the word about our cause to your friends and neighbors and, if you really want to win them over, share a little coconut-lime ice cream with them.

Campaign Rumors

I am certain that many of you have already seen the photo and read the vicious rumors that have been circulating on the internet this week about myself and our presidential campaign. These rumors are total fabrication and a ploy of my opponents to discredit me. I expected this to happen...just not quite so soon. However, the fact that these rumors and this purported photo of me have surfaced should give all of my supporters a lift. It means that the campaign is getting some traction...it's getting noticed and, of course, that is just what we had hoped for.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am posting the supposed photo of me here. The quality of the photo is such that I can't really say who it is in this photo, but I can assure all of my loyal supporters that I never shook hands with that woman, a democrat...never hosted a democratic mass meeting at my home (no one could ever prove this one way or the other since no one ever attends democrat mass meetings in Utah County)...never drank anything from that Pepsi machine...and I certainly never voted for Jimmy Carter (I mean this was the man who was almost killed by a bunny!).

Now, I am certain that the opponents of our campaign will continue to try and feed this issue to the press and the public. But I know I can count on you to provide the support and strength that we need to go forward. Please continue to send your contributions to the "Vote for Bart" campaign. It will take all of us working together to put down these ugly rumors. Thank you for your support.

The Real Issues

I must apologize to those of you who have been following my "Vote For Bart" 2012 presidential election campaign. It has been some time since I brought you up-to-date on how the campaign is going. I do want to assure all of my faithful supporters that exciting things are on the horizon. In fact, I think I have discovered an issue that will appeal to all Americans. And it is an issue that none of the other candidates have dared to touch.

The issue is this: there is a great inequity, bordering on racism and bigotry, in the naming of towns, cities, and other places in the United States. Did you know that there are 13 places with Democrat as all or part of the place name around the country, but only 9 with Republican. We have towns in Alabama, Arkansas, California, Idaho, Kentucky, North Carolina, and Texas by the name of Democrat, along with Democrat Spring, Illinois, Democrat Ridge, Missouri, Democrat Landing, Alabama, Democrat Guard Station (aka Democrat Fire Station), California, Democrat Crossing, Texas, and Democrat Bluff, Alabama. That's 13...you can count them.

Republicans on the other hand have towns named Republican in Arkansas, North Carolina, South Dakota, Ohio, Nebraska, and Mississippi along with Republican Grove, Virginia, Republican Station, Nebraska, and Republican Valley Farm, Ohio. That's just nine. Less than 70% of what the Democrats have.

I cannot believe that the news media have not picked up on this. I suspect they are aware of it, but you know how they are when it comes to pointing out any inequities that favor the Democrats. Just think what the headlines would be if it was the other way around. Every paper in the country would be splashed with "Republicans secretly infiltrating America's homes: huge difference found in place names across the country!"

And this is not the worst of it. My team of expert researchers has discovered that there are over 100 places with names that include Kennedy, over 140 that include Clinton, and even more, two hundred at least, that include Carter. All of this while Nixon barely rates 30, Reagan 15, and Eisenhower...this is the kicker...Eisenhower only has 2 golf courses, an arts center, a tunnel, and a shopping mall.

This kind of anti-Republicanism must stop! And I am the one to do it. My plan would be to require all states to maintain an equal distribution of Republican and Democrat place names, never to vary by more than 1%. Any state violating this policy would lose all federal funding and be ceded to Mexico or Canada, whichever was closer.

I can guarantee you that if I am elected, this kind of partisan behavior would be eliminated. So, please spread the word about the campaign and be sure to send your donations to: 101 Democrat Boulevard, Republican City.

(If you have missed my earlier posts on the Vote For Bart election campaign, you will find them in the archives)

Vote for Bart!

You may remember that a few days ago I withdrew from the 2012 presidential race (you can read about it in an earlier blog). However, my presidential exploration committee has been encouraging me to re-enter the race for the obvious reason that two and one-half Mormons in the race would be better than one and a half. I'll leave it up to you to figure out who the one-half is.

So to prepare for the grueling campaign, I have been having some practice sessions with my committee. They have been lobbing questions at me and then critiquing my responses. I thought it would be helpful--and most of the committee agrees with me--to seek some input on my responses from those who are likely to vote--that's you. Hopefully, you will be candid in your critique and at the same time send along a donation to the campaign.

Before reviewing the questions with you, I would like to introduce you to our campaign slogan, which is: "Vote for Bart!" That's it. Simple and to the point. I had actually wanted to make it "Vote for Bart--He's so Smart, he'll make you Part of America once more!" But in this, I was voted down. The committee felt that this second slogan was much too long, and they also worried that once you start making rhymes with a name like Bart, you could end up with some unintended consequences--like people substituting an "F" at either the start or end of the name, something the other kids at my elementary school figured out very quickly.

But back to the questions and answers.

Question #1: Professor Kowallis, what is your opinion on immigration?

My Answer: That's difficult to define. I'm more of just an American.

Question #2: Professor, what exactly do you mean by you're "just an American?"

My Answer: Well, it's kind of hard to define, but let me just say, however, that I'm not overly American.

Question #3: Professor, what about health care? Where do you stand on that issue?

My Answer: As you know, health care is somewhat difficult to define, but I'd have to say that I do care about health. Absolutely! No wishy-washiness here! I do care. That's not to say that I am overly caring, however. I've got just the right amount of caring about health care.

Question #4: One last question professor. What would you do about terrorists?

My Answer: Yes...terrorists. What exactly is a terrorist? That's not easy to define. But if you pressed me, I would have to say that I am not overly fond of terrorism. That's not to say that these individuals don't have a role in the overall global picture, but--if you could really define what a terrorist is--then I would probably stand firmly on the side of not being overly fond of them.

Well, I think that gives you a good flavor of the direction the campaign is headed. We really appreciate your support (although I don't want you to think that we are overly appreciative) and we have obviously taken some firm stands on the issues (at least those issues that we can actually define). So, please send your comments and donations on to my campaign committee and "Vote for Bart!"

Mr. President...

After giving it a lot of thought, I have decided that...and I know this will disappoint many of you...I will not be running for President this year. It's not because I don't think I have the qualifications. I am, after all, an Eagle Scout; I was president of the German Club in High School; and I received an "Honorable Mention" ribbon for my Hubbard squash at the Hooper Tomato Days celebration in 1962. I think that easily beats out the qualifications of our last two presidents.

No, after discussing this at length with my presidential exploration committee, I have determined that, even though I have all the qualities that would make a great president, I simply won't be able to get the votes because of one fatal flaw...I don't have the right hair for the job.

I mean just look at the possible contenders. First, of course, there's Mitt Romney. I don't believe anyone has ever photographed Mitt with a single hair out of place. Even those photos where it looks like his hair is blowing in the breeze have to be staged. You know, they get some stylist to come out and fix his hair so it looks like its blowing in the wind. There can't be any other explanation.

Even if I did manage to get past Romney, I'd still have to deal with Donald Trump, who, let's face it, would get more press in the first week of the campaign on just his hair than I would get during the entire race. And it's not really fair because Donald's hair is, well...atrocious was the word I was going to use, but that didn't seem strong enough.

Then--as my committee pointed out--even if by some miracle the press decided not to report on Donald's hair and instead to focus on the actual qualifications and positions of the candidates, allowing me to overcome the odds and get into the finals, there is still President Obama. Not only does the President have a full head of hair, but apparently voters think he is cute as well. And even though my daughter Melanie tells me I'm cute occasionally, I don't think she means it in a Barack Obama sort of way.

So, my dear friends and supporters, I am withdrawing my name from contention. Don't give up hope, however. I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see if perhaps he can recommend someone who could transplant a patch of the extra hair that seems to be all over my back onto the top of my head. Watch out contenders! I may be back yet.