Mr. President...

After giving it a lot of thought, I have decided that...and I know this will disappoint many of you...I will not be running for President this year. It's not because I don't think I have the qualifications. I am, after all, an Eagle Scout; I was president of the German Club in High School; and I received an "Honorable Mention" ribbon for my Hubbard squash at the Hooper Tomato Days celebration in 1962. I think that easily beats out the qualifications of our last two presidents.

No, after discussing this at length with my presidential exploration committee, I have determined that, even though I have all the qualities that would make a great president, I simply won't be able to get the votes because of one fatal flaw...I don't have the right hair for the job.

I mean just look at the possible contenders. First, of course, there's Mitt Romney. I don't believe anyone has ever photographed Mitt with a single hair out of place. Even those photos where it looks like his hair is blowing in the breeze have to be staged. You know, they get some stylist to come out and fix his hair so it looks like its blowing in the wind. There can't be any other explanation.

Even if I did manage to get past Romney, I'd still have to deal with Donald Trump, who, let's face it, would get more press in the first week of the campaign on just his hair than I would get during the entire race. And it's not really fair because Donald's hair is, well...atrocious was the word I was going to use, but that didn't seem strong enough.

Then--as my committee pointed out--even if by some miracle the press decided not to report on Donald's hair and instead to focus on the actual qualifications and positions of the candidates, allowing me to overcome the odds and get into the finals, there is still President Obama. Not only does the President have a full head of hair, but apparently voters think he is cute as well. And even though my daughter Melanie tells me I'm cute occasionally, I don't think she means it in a Barack Obama sort of way.

So, my dear friends and supporters, I am withdrawing my name from contention. Don't give up hope, however. I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see if perhaps he can recommend someone who could transplant a patch of the extra hair that seems to be all over my back onto the top of my head. Watch out contenders! I may be back yet.