Friday, March 16, 2012
My presidential campaign has been on hold for some time now. I'm basically waiting for the other candidates to destroy themselves and then I can step in as the only viable candidate. And besides, when I didn't get any delegates in Wyoming I knew it was time to re-evaluate. Maybe fire my campaign manager. (I decided that I shouldn't do that because my campaign manager was the only person who voted for me).
However, I want to assure all my loyal supporters that I have not forgotten them. And in fact I have discovered today a new tactic that helps me understand how Romney and Santorum are able to keep up the long campaign hours and never look tired, never look like they had a bad night's sleep, neer look like they ever had teenagers in their home, or a new born baby for that matter. These men look refreshed, coiffed, and always at their best.
Here was how I made this discovery. I have been having some foot problems (what? no I'm not talking about the smell...now let me tell my story). I went to see me orthopedist today because my ankles are not as lovely as they once were. Anyway, after suggesting that I allow him to rip my foot apart, put in a few screws, cut off a few edges, and then add some other assorted pieces of metal, he said that an alternative was to try some cortisone shots. I--even with my phobia of shots--voted for that over the screws and assorted pieces of metal. Well, let me tell you, when you're almost 60 and things are falling apart, try the cortisone. Here it is almost two in the morning, and I am feeling (and probably looking) a lot like Romney and Santorum. I have discovered the secret to their success...and now they'd better watch out.
Now don't get me wrong. I have no concrete proof that they are doping up on steroids, but I think the statistics speak for themselves. Delegate count: Romney 492; Santorum; 252; Gingrich 131; Paul 48; and Professor Bart 0 (well it's actually 1/2 delegate if you count the guy in Guam who mistakenly voted for me). How else could there be such a discrepancy? I have a better campaign platform than any of them. I have more character than all of them except perhaps Gingrich. And I have offered to give a free car to every American over the age of 20 and under the age of 80.
All I have to say is remember a guy named Bonds? Ben Johnson? Carl Lewis? How about McGwire? Sosa? Armstrong? East German women swimmers? I could keep on naming them but I think you get the idea. Did anyone really need to ask if they were using steroids, particularly those East German women swimmers? Well, just take a good look at the two Republican frontrunners next time you get a chance. I think the conclusion will be pretty obvious.
So, now I have joined the club. My only problem is figuring out a way to get these shots every day, rather than every 6 months. If I can do that--Watch Out Frontrunners! I'm going to run you over. Or at least waddle you over.
[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]