Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Vote for Bart!

You may remember that a few days ago I withdrew from the 2012 presidential race (you can read about it in an earlier blog). However, my presidential exploration committee has been encouraging me to re-enter the race for the obvious reason that two and one-half Mormons in the race would be better than one and a half. I'll leave it up to you to figure out who the one-half is.

So to prepare for the grueling campaign, I have been having some practice sessions with my committee. They have been lobbing questions at me and then critiquing my responses. I thought it would be helpful--and most of the committee agrees with me--to seek some input on my responses from those who are likely to vote--that's you. Hopefully, you will be candid in your critique and at the same time send along a donation to the campaign.

Before reviewing the questions with you, I would like to introduce you to our campaign slogan, which is: "Vote for Bart!" That's it. Simple and to the point. I had actually wanted to make it "Vote for Bart--He's so Smart, he'll make you Part of America once more!" But in this, I was voted down. The committee felt that this second slogan was much too long, and they also worried that once you start making rhymes with a name like Bart, you could end up with some unintended consequences--like people substituting an "F" at either the start or end of the name, something the other kids at my elementary school figured out very quickly.

But back to the questions and answers.

Question #1: Professor Kowallis, what is your opinion on immigration?

My Answer: That's difficult to define. I'm more of just an American.

Question #2: Professor, what exactly do you mean by you're "just an American?"

My Answer: Well, it's kind of hard to define, but let me just say, however, that I'm not overly American.

Question #3: Professor, what about health care? Where do you stand on that issue?

My Answer: As you know, health care is somewhat difficult to define, but I'd have to say that I do care about health. Absolutely! No wishy-washiness here! I do care. That's not to say that I am overly caring, however. I've got just the right amount of caring about health care.

Question #4: One last question professor. What would you do about terrorists?

My Answer: Yes...terrorists. What exactly is a terrorist? That's not easy to define. But if you pressed me, I would have to say that I am not overly fond of terrorism. That's not to say that these individuals don't have a role in the overall global picture, but--if you could really define what a terrorist is--then I would probably stand firmly on the side of not being overly fond of them.

Well, I think that gives you a good flavor of the direction the campaign is headed. We really appreciate your support (although I don't want you to think that we are overly appreciative) and we have obviously taken some firm stands on the issues (at least those issues that we can actually define). So, please send your comments and donations on to my campaign committee and "Vote for Bart!"


Midodi said...

Hmmmm. Your responses don't quite move me to enthusiasm. Of course, they seem quite close to many of the other candidates views.

Karen said...

You missed your calling in life, you have the politician thing DOWN! VOTE FOR BART... and all that stuff.

Melissa said...

Where do I send my donation? I am voting for you because of your hair.

Kory said...

My input is hard to define...Not overly hard to define, just hard enough to define to make my opinion count. About the hair problem in the way of your campaign, a beautiful mustache can go a long way these days. You should bring that back if you haven't already.

Urthman said...

Kory -- I am looking for a VP candidate and you seem to have the right kind of aptitude for this job. I'll certainly keep you in mind.