More Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight

 
[Note: We return to the ISP Network for another episode of the "Yesterday" show hosted by Ichan S. Plurg, with his guests Dr. P. P. Phraan, the noted diet specialist, as well as 2016 presidential candidate, The Professor. For those of you who may have accidentally missed the first appearance of Dr. Phraan on the "Yesterday" show, we refer you to the transcript, which can be found at this LINK.]

Ichan: Welcome back viewers to the highest rated TV show in which I appear as the host. The latest Neilsen Ratings show that our viewership has now increased well into the double digits. Dozens of you are watching us every day. Remember to sign up now for our monthly newsletter for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all the inside information that we deliberately don't use on our shows, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my wife and kids, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular price. And don't forget you'll also be eligible for our drawing for free tickets to actually attend the show here in person. That's right the tickets are free! You will have to pay a small shipping fee. Now let's get on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome back.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Thank you Ichan. It is my pleasure to be with you. But did you have to invite bozo here to come back as well.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan, that is not very charitable of you. The Professor, as you know, is running for president again, and we thought it would be good for our viewers to see exactly why they don't want to vote for him. Besides, he is here to provide color commentary about your diet plans.

Dr. P. P.: I see. You could not find anyone else, I take it.

Ichan: Perhaps. Say...didn't you have some funny accent last time you appeared on the show?

Dr. P. P.: I might have.

Ichan: No problem, I think we've all tried out a few things like that. I once wore a non-designer shirt. It was just for a moment, mind you, and I didn't really get it all the way on. But yes we all have our little secrets. Why I believe that the Professor once stuck two dozen chewed pieces of bubble gum up his nose. Isn't that right Professor?

The Professor: No, Ichan, it was only one dozen and it was part of a very serious scientific experiment. And I believe that we got all but a couple pieces out completely.

Ichan: I don't know why we need to look any further for a good presidential candidate. I don't think any of the others can top that story. Maybe if Bill Clinton ran again he could come up with something, but he's already used up his two terms. But we are not really here to talk politics. We're here to find out more about the amazing guaranteed diet plans of Dr. Phraan. Last time he shared with us his revolutionary Cherry Gut and Butcher's diet plans––both guaranteed to cause weight loss or your money back. What else have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Phraan. Let's have some more of your incredible wisdom on dieting.

Dr. P. P.: Well, Ichan, you may have heard Doctor's and dieticians for years suggest that the best way to lose weight is to eat less––to take in fewer calories than you use. This we might call the "Standard Diet." The only problem with the Standard Diet is that it's boring. So, I have come up with what I call the "Amazingly Improved Standard Diet." It's really quite simple. You eat nothing. In just one month on this diet you can lose an incredible amount of weight. We are not sure just exactly how much a person might lose in a month, because we have not had any of our subjects on this diet survive that long, but the preliminary results are absolutely encouraging.

Ichan: So, you're saying that anyone can lose weight on this diet? What do you think Professor?

The Professor: I'm sure this diet is as deadly as Dr. Phraan suggests. I would...

Ichan: Recommend it? Wow! Another great endorsement from the Professor. What else have you got Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: Ichan, let me give you a few more of my revolutionary diet ideas. You've heard of people who get their stomach stapled so that it will not hold as much food?

Ichan: Yes.

Dr. P. P.: Well, I have a diet plan called the "Mouth Staples Diet." Rather than staple the stomach, you have your mouth stapled. It really cuts down on the calories and helps even more with inane dinner time conversation.

Ichan: That's fascinating, Dr. Phraan. Keep going.

Dr. P. P.: Doctors for years have been preaching the dietary benefits of exercise. I believe this is true, but in order to make it work well you can't just get on the treadmill for a few minutes a day. What you need to do is have yourself strapped to the treadmill and only be allowed off for a few minutes to use the bathroom each day. In just seven days, we believe, you could lose as much as 100% of your weight. We call it the "100% Treadmill Diet." For example, look at this happy participant in our trials.

Ichan: Incredible! So if I start at 200 lbs and lose 100% of my weight, how much would I weigh, Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: I can't give you an exact figure off the top of my head, Ichan. My math skills are a little rusty, but it would be a significant amount, I would guess that for you it would be 30...maybe 40 lbs.

Ichan: I had no idea that 100% would add up to that much, Dr. Phraan. These diet plans are simple phenomenal, don't you think so Professor?

The Professor: I simply must protest, Ichan. These diets are so incredibly..."

Ichan: Incredible! That's what I said, Professor. You must have drifted off again. I think we have time for one more, Dr. What else have you got?

Dr. P. P.: This one, Ichan, is one of my best. No matter how much you weigh, you will lose it all on this diet. I call it the "Free Fall Diet." I'm not sure why scientists, who have known about this for years, have not tried to market it. Here is the gist of the diet. Take a standard bathroom scale and tie it to your feet. Then have someone push you off of a tall cliff. You will see that, before you were pushed off of the cliff, the scale showed your normal amount of weight. But once you are in the air, the scale will read zero weight. You've "Lost it All on the Free Fall." That's our catchy little jingle to go with the ad campaign we are planning. These pictures give you an idea of how thin and happy people are on this diet.

Ichan: I simply do not know what to say, Dr. Another home run. Wow! Audience what do you think?

[Loud clapping and cheering from the audience.]

Ichan: And what about you Professor. You can't top that, I'll bet.

The Professor: No, Ichan. I can't. But I do wonder what happens when you hit the ground.

Ichan: You are always such a nit-picker about the details, Professor. Well, that's all the time we have for today. So, thank you Dr. Phraan. We hope to get you back again sometime. And to you viewers listening in, remember that we do not specifically endorse any product or procedure, even when they sound as good as these diets by Dr. P. P. Phraan. Be sure to come back tomorrow for more of the "Yesterday" show here on the ISP Network.

My First Racoon!

As some of you may know, I have had my share of troubles with raccoons over the years. I mean there was the time one tore a hole in my roof and decided to have a family in our attic. Then there are the many, many years of lost grapes, peaches, tomatoes, corn, birdseed, etc. My yard is like an open buffet for the critters. Well, I have finally had it! A couple of weeks ago I stood looking out my bedroom window while one of them laughed at me as it downed handfuls of seed out of the bird feeder. So, I ordered a trap. Yes, I know you are going to think me cruel and inhumane to be catching those cute little fuzzy things. But to me they are "enemy no. 1."

After ordering the trap...which is an awesome looking device  (see below) that could probably even catch the odd child that still dares to cross through my backyard...yes, well, after ordering the trap, I went to the internet and watched several videos on how best to snag a raccoon. It seemed pretty straightforward. Put the bait in the trap and wait overnight. In the morning go out and you'll have your first raccoon.

 I was so excited to get up this morning and check the trap. From the kitchen window I could see that the trap was sprung, so there was a good chance I had one. Quickly putting on my shoes, I marched up to the row of trees along the back of the yard where I had put the trap. Sure enough, I had a raccoon! The only problem was that his coloring was a bit different than the pictures I had seen. I think it must have been part albino or something because it was a kind of light yellow color. But it sure hissed at me as I approached. After realizing that this was perhaps a rare type of raccoon, and not the one I had seen eating my bird seed, I released it back to the wild. I was lucky it did not scratch me to pieces as it took off. So, I'll go back and give it another try, but just so you can see that I am not lying to you about this, I have provided a picture of the vicious creature below.

Two of the Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Weight Loss Programs

[Note: Our presidential candidate for the 2016 elections, the Professor, has been asked today to lend his expertise on the ISP Network's prime-time show "Yesterday" hosted by TV and opinion magnate Ichan S. Plurg. The Professor believes this will be a defining moment in the campaign. We join the show as it begins.]

Ichan: Welcome dieters! Welcome everyone! You are in for a treat today. We have as our guests here on the ISP's flagship show the world famous–and that may be overstating it a bit–Dr. P. P. Phraan, M.D., D.D.S., J.D., Ph.D., M.S., B.S., J.V.C., Q.T., and many more, as well as the Professor, who I understand is running again for the presidency. What is this, Professor? Like the 300th time?

Professor: No, Ichan. I realize it may seem like...

Ichan: Well never mind. We are not really here today on the "Yesterday" show to talk about your failed attempts to win the nomination. No, today, we are here on "Yesterday" to meet Dr. P. P. Phraan and to discuss his new diet sensation book, The Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight. Dr. Phraan come on up!

[Cheers from the audience]

Ichan: As Dr. Phraan makes his way up to the stage, let me remind you audience members and also those of you listening and watching at home that on this show we provide only the facts, along with our own insightful commentary. And if you would like a transcript of today's "Yesterday" show you'll find it on our website in the member's only section. Join up now for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all of our shows, including the transcripts, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my childhood, miscellaneous worthless souvenirs, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular non-member price. Plus you will be able to order the free tickets (*tickets are free, shipping is a minimum of $30) to actually attend the show here in person. Well, enough about me...actually you can never get enough of me...but we must go on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Tank you. Eet ez my pleazure to be vit you here on "Yesterday."

Ichan: Dr. Phraan, just for the benefit of our audience, do the initials P. P. stand for anything?

Dr. Phraan: No. My parents tot eet would be better for my career to not have a given name.

Ichan: Wow! So, how could any parent name their child P. P.? That must have made for some interesting times on the playground.

Dr. Phraan: I don't know vat you mean, and besides I tot dat ve vere here to discuss my book.

Ichan: Yes we are, but just one more question first. Aren't you from Iowa?

Dr. Phraan: Yes, and your point ez vat?

Ichan: I've been to Iowa a few times and I've never met anyone who talks like you, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Only ze vell educated ones speak dis vay, and belief me der are not dat many of us in Iowa. I am, you see, unique, unlike theez other bozo you have sitting here on ze couch.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan. This other bozo is the Professor. He's running for president again and he will be helping me to evaluate the truthfulness of the claims in your book. I picked up a copy of the book yesterday for "Yesterday," but I haven't actually been able to get past the first couple of pages myself. That's where the Professor will come in with insightful comments on your diets.

Professor: Yes, Ichan. I would like to....

Ichan: Not now Professor, we'll be right back after this word from our ISP sponsor for today's program–Broadwire College, owned and operated by me.

[Break for commercial. Mr. Plurg flirts with a pretty woman on the front row while the Professor and Dr. P. P. Phraan glare at each other.]

Ichan: AND WE'RE BACK! So, Dr. Phraan let's begin by digging right into the meat of the book. Your twenty guaranteed ways to lose weight. I'm all ears! No, really I'm not. I know some people who are all ears or ear hair, like the Professor here, but that would not be me. Still, go ahead with the book.

Dr. Phraan: Tank you Mr. Splurg. Ze idea for ze book came to me one day vile I vas picking cherries as a boy. I vould eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and then eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and den...

Ichan: I think we get the idea, doctor. You were picking and eating. Go on.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, after a while, no matter how many cherries I ate, more of them...vell, you know vat I mean.

Ichan: No, I don't think I do, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, cherries, you see, pass through ze bowel very quickly. So I could not eat as many as passed on through and I vas losing veight. Dis vas ze discovery of ze first of my 20 guaranteed diets. I call dis ze "Cherry Gut Diet." And I promise eet vill vork. Ze diet consists of only eating healthy cherries for all three meals daily. Dey should be ze nice sweet ones, not those sour kinds.

Ichan: Do they need to be organic?

Dr. Phraan: Dat would be helpful because ze turkey manure dey use to spray ze organic trees vit may further stimulate ze bowel.

Ichan: Professor, any particular insights into this Cherry Gut Diet?

Professor: Well, I think it could be...

Ichan: Thanks, Professor. That's quite and endorsement for Diet #1, doctor. Let's move on to number two.

Dr. Phraan: Diet number two ez even better. I call et ze "Butcher's Diet" and eet ez perhaps ze most effective of any of ze diets. Losing veight ez simply a matter of choices. Some choices are easy, like eating cherries. Some are hard, like ze Butcher's Diet. Ze difference ez dat vit ze Butcher's Diet, you vill not have to vorry about gaining ze veight back. To implement ze diet, go down to your local butcher shop and ask zem to please cut off one of your arms or legs. Eet ez best to have ze appropriate medical staff on hand. Once the appendage is cut off, you vill have permanently lost a considerable amount of ze veight. It vill not easily return.

Ichan: It sounds somewhat dangerous–drastic even. Don't you think so Professor? Oh dear, the Professor has passed out. Someone get a glass of water over here to throw at him. No! I didn't mean to throw the glass, just the water. Ouch! That's going to make a nasty bruise.

[The Professor sits back up rubbing his left eye.]

Ichan: I am afraid doctor that we have cruised right through our time for today. I had hoped to get through the first five of your incredible diets, but the others will have to wait for next time. Audience please give a big hand to our fascinating guest, Dr. P. P. Phraan. Come back tomorrow for more "Yesterday" when we will cover more of Dr. Phraan's revolutionary diets. And don't forget to stop by our website at ISP.com for all of our great products and merchandise.

[Back at the Professor's campaign headquarters, the staff is cheering. The Professor made it through the entire show without one major political blunder.]

Why Have Scientists Not Warned Us About DHMO!

As part of my next Presidential election campaign, I have, as some of you are aware, been delving into the world of Alternative Medicine (AM). After all at least 40% of Americans use AM. I personally think it is much higher and am staking the next election on bringing the AM devotees into the fold. I'm even thinking of adopting the campaign slogan: "Vote for the Professor, he's a mighty snappy dresser, and he supports AM, when other candidates say it's a sham." The slogan is a bit long, but very catchy. We are working now with a popular musician to develop a jingle. I can't tell you who the musician is but his intitials are J.B. and I am told that this collaboration will be a win-win for both of us.

Well, enough about that. Tonight I am happy to report that I have here with me at The Professor's campaign headquarters one of the preeminent doctors of AM–Dr. B.Y. Acrock. Dr. Acrock was one of the first to point out the hazards of a common chemical, DHMO, used in almost all forms of conventional medical therapy.

Professor: Dr. Acrock can you tell us a bit more about the dangers of DHMO?

Dr. Acrock: Yes, professor. I'd be happy to. This chemical is one that is used in almost every medical procedure. I first started raising the warning flag back in 1989 after a report by three students (Eric Lechner, Lars Norpchen and Matthew Kaufman) at the University of California-Santa Cruz was distributed using fliers scattered around the campus and warning of this terrible chemical.

Professor: Can you give us some idea of the health problems associated with this chemical?

Dr. Acrock: Of course, professor. And this is just a small list of some of its terrible side effects, and here I quote from a respected journalist, Karl Kruszelnicki, who tried to raise the alarm about DHMO again in 2005. He wrote, "Consider the chemical DiHydrogen MonOxide, usually called DHMO. It's found in many different cancers, but there's no proven causal link between its presence and the cancers in which it lurks - so far. The figures are astonishing - DHMO has been found in over 95% of all fatal cervical cancers, and in over 85% of all cancers collected from terminal cancer patients. Despite this, it is still used as an industrial solvent and coolant, as a fire retardant and suppressant, in the manufacture of biological and chemical weapons, in nuclear power plants - and surprisingly, by elite athletes in some endurance sports. However, the athletes later find that withdrawal from DHMO can be difficult, and sometimes, fatal. Medically, it is almost always involved in diseases that have sweating, vomiting and diarrhoea as their symptoms."

Professor: This is astounding. What have the U.S. government, the president, the governors, the senate, the house been doing to stop the use of this malignant stuff?

Dr. Acrock: This is the absolutely incredible part of the story, professor. None of these have done anything. They seem to be turning their back on this crisis and we continue to find this chemical used almost everywhere. Lechner, one of the original discoverers of the problem, made a list of where it was being used and again this is just the tip of the iceberg. He indicated that our water system has been contaminated with this hazardous chemical. It is used as an industrial solvent and coolant, and in the production of styrofoam, pesticides, most poisons, and many other dangerous materials. It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants, contributes to the corrosion of our natural surroundings, can cause severe burns, contributes to global warming, and may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle 'Challenger.' It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. Large quantities of it have been found in our lakes, rivers, and oceans. No current form of purification can eliminate the threat even though our government claims to have spent billions of dollars in an attempt to control it. Most insidiously, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it every day through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many are storing large quantities for later use. The current administration has not dealt with the problem or with production, distribution, and use of this damaging chemical, most likely due to economic reasons and high-profile special interest groups.

Professor: Dr. Acrock, you and your associates in AM can rest assured that, if elected, I will make this problem a top priority. Now once again, for the record, what is this terrible chemical?

Dr. Acrock: It's called Dihydrogen Monoxide, or shortened to DHMO.

Professor: And what would be the chemical formula for this dangerous material? Would that be HHO or H2O?

Dr. Acrock: We prefer HHO, professor or, as I stated above DHMO. These designations seem to resonate more with the general public.

Professor: Well, thank you again, doctor. I certainly hope we can get you back here at campaign headquarters for another illuminating discussion on the dangers of the chemical industry and science in general.

Dr. Acrock: Any time, professor. I have some special cures I want to discuss with you that use natural spring water as the base. They are effective for a wide range of conditions and could save the country millions in health care costs.

Professor: Did you say they were water based?

I am afraid that Dr. Acrock did not get to answer my last question as he was rushing off to another engagement where he plans to continue to raise the DHMO alarm. He recommended that all of us peruse the DHMO Research website, which contains a considerable amount of additional information on this chemical hazard.

I Like Mike

You may think it is too early to begin planning for the 2016 presidential race, but those of us who are serious about the next campaign actually started planning for this race back in about 1972. However, the time has come to seriously get serious. We need a catchy campaign slogan. A good slogan like "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" or "Keep Cool and Keep Coolidge" can reap big rewards when it comes to election day. Voters may not remember anything else a politician says, but they do remember the slogan. Tippecanoe was magical for Harrison, and Keeping Cool was a hit for Coolidge. However, Alf Landon's 1938 slogan of "Let's make it a Landon-slide" turned out to be a landslide alright, but for Roosevelt, not Landon.

So here's the problem. The slogan we used in 2012 (Vote for Bart, He's Better Than the Other Guy) was obviously not well chosen. Somehow the slogan got manipulated by the opposition and posters were showing up all over the place with "A Vote for Bart is No Better than a F..." I won't even dignify the expression by completing it here. This is, after all, a family friendly web site.

Because of the issues in 2012, however, the campaign staff felt that it would be wise to test out a few slogans with you, the voters, before putting out a full-scale media blitz. So we would like your opinions on the following possible slogans.

Eisenhower's catchy slogans of "I like Ike" and "I still like Ike" won him two terms in the white house, and today, with the prevalence of social media where you can easily "Like" something, I suggested to the campaign staff that we should go with "I like Mike." Some of the staff pointed out that, first of all, my name isn't Mike, and second of all this slogan today might be perceived as an endorsement for gay rights. Still, the slogan does easily stick in the voters minds and I could be persuaded to change my name to Mike. Perhaps the slogan would still work if it was modified to "I like Mike, but only as a friend."

Another serious contender is a modification of Herbert Hoover's successful 1928 slogan, "A chicken in every pot." I thought this one was also very catchy, but would work better today if we tweaked it a bit like this: "Some Pot in every Chicken." I am convinced–and our early market surveys support me–that this slogan would appeal to a broad range of voters who are concerned with the modern food supply and the deplorable way that chickens are treated. The implication of course is that we, at the Federal level, would require that chickens be treated more humanely by adding a little marijuana to their diet. The chickens would be much happier and so would the consumers of chicken and chicken products.

Additional possibilities are:

• All the Way with PDDAAAGGBJK! A takeoff of Lyndon Johnson's successful slogan "All the Way with LBJ." I would hope it's obvious that PDDAAAGGBJK stands for Professor Doctor Dean and All Around Good Guy BJK, which is much more descriptive than Johnson's slogan.
• He's Just Nuts! A modification of Jimmy Carter's slogan, "Not Just Peanuts." Our point is that anyone who runs for president has to be crazy, so we should not try to hide that fact from the voting public.
• Naptime Again In America. Similar to Ronald Reagan's "Morning Again In America." This one would definitely appeal to senior citizens who are making up an ever increasing percentage of the voting public. And I think Reagan would approve. He believed in a good nap.
• No, We Can't! This, of course, is a modification of Pres. Obama's slogan "Yes, We Can" used in 2008. Our version of the slogan is, however, much more honest. Everyone knows that the Federal Government can't do anything, so why don't we just admit it up front.

These are just a few preliminary ideas. My campaign staff would love your input on any of these, or any other slogans you think would work better. And since my work with aloe based lubricants (you can read about this discovery here) has not taken off quite as quickly as I had hoped, we would also appreciate any contributions you would like to make to the campaign. Just leave them in unmarked envelopes on my porch, preferably without any miscellaneous white powder in the envelopes.

Professor Claims He Told the Truth

NEWS BULLETIN: Professor Denies Fabricating Story

For some reason, completely unknown to me, a few of my loyal readers questioned the truth of my story (you can read it here) about doing the splits at the Smith's store last week. This kind of reaction troubles me a great deal. As one who must keep his record untarnished in order to maintain the confidence of the voting public and the respectability of the political system, I felt I needed to respond to these unfounded accusations of dishonesty. I might have added a little color to the story to make it more palatable to the general public, but this is nothing more than what is commonly accepted among those involved in political life.

So, to provide the media and my loyal followers evidence for the incident, I have included the picture below. Please, due to the nature of the photo, do not allow young children or old men to view this. It may be just too graphic for them even though I will say that my legs have always been one of my better features. I appreciate the opportunity to clear up these rumors. Sincerely, The Professor.

Preparing for 2016: Another Run for the Whitehouse

Many of you who followed my presidential campaign a couple of years ago have probably wondered what the "Professor" does when he is not on the campaign trail. Well, I did not get the title of Professor because of my good looks–although, I will admit, that my good looks and sharp wit probably did not hurt when I stood before the doctoral exam committee. But I do still ply my trade and occasionally make one of those "Eureka" type of discoveries. Scientific discoveries are often a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and yesterday I was in just one of those spots.

Where, you ask, was this magical place of discovery? Why that is what is so amazing. It was in the local Smith's grocery store. I had just picked out the best cart from the pile near the store entrance and was heading past the small plant and flower shop that they have just inside the door when it happened. You see, someone had dropped a couple of aloe vera leaves on the floor along with a drizzle of water. Then there I came traipsing along with my cart looking straight ahead toward the fruit and vegetable section, trying to keep my eyes off of the cookies and candy that are so carefully placed near the entrance and exit of the store because, that is, of course, the last place anyone would look for these unhealthy products, and Smith's, like most other grocery stores, is concerned about your health.

But I diverge...there I was traipsing along with my cart when to my surprise...WHAMO...I found myself doing the splits on the floor. Now I can tell you that this was a bit of a shock to the old system because, to be frank, I have not attempted the splits since I was in Elementary School when Sue Brockingfort challenged me to a "splits contest." At that young age, I was not aware of the deep anatomical rift between boys and girls and thought that if she could do it, then so could I. I have to admit–and I know that my fans will be disappointed here–but I did not win the contest that day, nor did I ever try to do the splits again...that is until yesterday.

Fortunately, at the Smith's store, there were two nice young people standing nearby to witness the event. After they stopped laughing, they both came over and asked for my autograph. No actually, they did not, they just helped me to rediscover how to stand.

After that I visited briefly with the store manager and tried to explain to him about my past attempts at doing the splits with Sue Brockingham, and after I told him that story all he seemed interested in was Sue. "Sue, Sue, Sue," he kept saying. "You're going to Sue?" He was a little out of his mind, I suppose, but I tried to keep assuring him that I had no intention of going to see Sue. She was past history and I had no desire to open up old wounds.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is that I made the incredible discovery that if you mix the jelly-like stuff from the aloe leaves with a little water it makes a terrific lubricant. My preliminary tests, which as you have heard I conducted myself, show that this substance is more slippery than ice or oil or almost any known material. And as soon as I can walk again, I plan to invest in an aloe farm and start marketing this stuff under the name of "Slippery Goo." I should be able to make enough off of this to fund my entire next presidential race. So, don't worry my loyal followers and friends, I will not be coming to you this next time in need of campaign donations.

Do you give extra credit?

College students are very interesting creatures. I know this for a fact, having been one myself several years ago. Students have a very sharp intellect and do very well on standard intelligence tests, but they seem to lack the genetic code for reading and understanding a syllabus, and at times it appears that their hearing has been severely damaged. By saying this, I don't mean to offend those college students out there who may have stumbled upon this blog. I really, really do like you, but I can't ignore the facts.

As an example of what I am trying to say, let me share with you the short version of a recent course I taught. Here we are on the first day of class:
Professor (me) after discussing class procedures and policies: Now, if at any time during the semester you have questions about the course, about your grade, or about how you can do better in class, please look back over your course syllabus or stop by my office. I would love to have the chance to visit with you and help you to do better in the course. Are there any questions?"

Student #1: Do you give any extra credit assignments?

Professor: No, there will be no extra credit and I have included a statement about that in your syllabus. However, I will allow you to make up missed assignments if you contact me on or before the day the assignment is due. Other questions?

Student #2: Professor, will you allow us to make up assignments? And will there be any extra credit?

...and so the semester begins. Several weeks pass and no students show up to see me. I notice that some have not been turning in their assignments. After the first exam I plead again with the students read the grading policy in the syllabus and to come and see me, particularly if they have not been doing well. I also remind them of the make-up policy for missed assignments. The second exam comes and goes. This time one student stops by my office. She received a 99% on the exam and is just wondering if there is some extra credit she can do to bring it up to an even 100%.

The semester is almost gone. As we reach the last week of class, I am thrilled to receive an email from a student wanting to talk about the final exam and how he is doing in the class. At the appointed time, the student knocks on my office door.

Student: Hello. I'm looking for Professor Kowallis, can you tell me where I can find him?

Professor: I'm Professor Kowallis. It's been me the whole semester.

Student: Oh, sorry. I wasn't able to get to class as often as I wanted.

Professor: Apparently not. How can I help you?

Student: Well, I haven't done so well on my tests and assignments and I really, really need to pass this class. You see, I'm supposed to graduate this semester and I have a job lined up and I just got married and my dog died last week...oh, and did I mention that I just really need to pass this class.

Professor: Yes, I believe you did mention that. So, let's look at your grade so far. Hmm..I see that you turned in just one of the twenty assignments that were due...and you failed the first exam. Oh, and this is interesting, you appear not to have taken exams 2 and 3. I can see why you're concerned.

Student: Yeah, it was a tough semester. I missed a couple of weeks of class because of a family vacation, and, you know, families are forever. I'm sure you understand that. And then with intramurals and planning for a wedding, I just didn't have much extra time.

Professor: I see. So, what exactly can I do for you today?

Student: Well, I was thinking...and I asked my wife and Bishop about this as well...that we could all get out of this whole mess with a little extra credit. Here...I wrote this report up for you.

Professor: Are you aware that we have a class policy that no extra credit will be given?

Student: No! You're kidding, aren't you?

Professor: No, I rarely get into a kidding mood when it comes to extra credit. But you see it's right here on page 2 of your course syllabus.

Student: Oh...I lost the syllabus the first week of class. So, I guess this means you won't be giving me any extra credit for my report?

Professor: I'm afraid not. But I do have one question. I am a little bit curious about why you thought that a report on the Lord of the Rings trilogy would get extra credit in a class on physical science.

Student: Well, that's pretty obvious, isn't it? There's all that geology stuff. You know, information about mountains and rivers and the Mines of Moria. And when Mt. Doom explodes...why that's got to be one of the best descriptions of volcanic activity anywhere. And there's chemistry too. In fact, there are some things that I couldn't find any mention of in our text book...like mithril, for example. How could they have forgotten to include that in the periodic table? And physics...why physics is everywhere...floating Boromir's body down the river, chasing orcs across Rohan, sailing ships up the Anduin...it's all motion and gravity and buoyancy and forces.

If my resolve against extra credit had not been so firm, I might have given in. Not many students could pull so much physical science out of Middle Earth.

Bad News and Good News as the Campaign Winds Down

 I'm not going to try and sugar coat the news I have for all of my supporters today. That would be unfair to all of you and, in addition, I understand that sugar is not particularly healthy in combination with a diet that is already high in baloney. So, this is it. Due to a miscommunication with my staff, my name was, as you can see above, left off of the election ballot. Apparently, my staff spent all of the funds raised for the campaign on pizza and root beer for their campaign planning sessions and had nothing left to pay the fees needed to get my name on the ballot.

I learned of this devastating development only this week when I received my absentee ballot in the mail and found that Roseanne Barr was on the ballot, but not Professor Bart. In fact, you can vote for Roseanne in any of the states shown on the map below. I have been deeply involved in this presidential race, as you all know, but I was unaware that Roseanne was also running. Had I known, Roseanne was in the race, I would probably have withdrawn long ago. I mean, how can any of the candidates compete with someone as knowledgeable, well-liked, and unbiased as Ms. Barr.

So, that is the bad news. The good news is that I had a revelation while filling out my ballot. There was no one running for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Therefore, I am encouraging all of my supporters to write me in for Chief Justice. Since no one else is running, I am certain to win. I look forward to greeting all of you next Wednesday morning as your new...Uh, hold on for a moment. One of my staff is trying to tell me something, but he has too much pizza in his mouth...[what do you mean, we don't elect a Chief Justice. You don't think they just let those bozos in Washington pick who they want, do you!]

Please, forgive me for that interruption and ignore anything you might hear from my former staffers (I just fired them all). Now get out there on election day and "Vote for Bart."

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect, Let's Get the Campaign Rolling, Important Endorsements]

Vote for Bart!

You may remember that a few days ago I withdrew from the 2012 presidential race (you can read about it in an earlier blog). However, my presidential exploration committee has been encouraging me to re-enter the race for the obvious reason that two and one-half Mormons in the race would be better than one and a half. I'll leave it up to you to figure out who the one-half is.

So to prepare for the grueling campaign, I have been having some practice sessions with my committee. They have been lobbing questions at me and then critiquing my responses. I thought it would be helpful--and most of the committee agrees with me--to seek some input on my responses from those who are likely to vote--that's you. Hopefully, you will be candid in your critique and at the same time send along a donation to the campaign.

Before reviewing the questions with you, I would like to introduce you to our campaign slogan, which is: "Vote for Bart!" That's it. Simple and to the point. I had actually wanted to make it "Vote for Bart--He's so Smart, he'll make you Part of America once more!" But in this, I was voted down. The committee felt that this second slogan was much too long, and they also worried that once you start making rhymes with a name like Bart, you could end up with some unintended consequences--like people substituting an "F" at either the start or end of the name, something the other kids at my elementary school figured out very quickly.

But back to the questions and answers.

Question #1: Professor Kowallis, what is your opinion on immigration?

My Answer: That's difficult to define. I'm more of just an American.

Question #2: Professor, what exactly do you mean by you're "just an American?"

My Answer: Well, it's kind of hard to define, but let me just say, however, that I'm not overly American.

Question #3: Professor, what about health care? Where do you stand on that issue?

My Answer: As you know, health care is somewhat difficult to define, but I'd have to say that I do care about health. Absolutely! No wishy-washiness here! I do care. That's not to say that I am overly caring, however. I've got just the right amount of caring about health care.

Question #4: One last question professor. What would you do about terrorists?

My Answer: Yes...terrorists. What exactly is a terrorist? That's not easy to define. But if you pressed me, I would have to say that I am not overly fond of terrorism. That's not to say that these individuals don't have a role in the overall global picture, but--if you could really define what a terrorist is--then I would probably stand firmly on the side of not being overly fond of them.

Well, I think that gives you a good flavor of the direction the campaign is headed. We really appreciate your support (although I don't want you to think that we are overly appreciative) and we have obviously taken some firm stands on the issues (at least those issues that we can actually define). So, please send your comments and donations on to my campaign committee and "Vote for Bart!"