Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Real Issues

I must apologize to those of you who have been following my "Vote For Bart" 2012 presidential election campaign. It has been some time since I brought you up-to-date on how the campaign is going. I do want to assure all of my faithful supporters that exciting things are on the horizon. In fact, I think I have discovered an issue that will appeal to all Americans. And it is an issue that none of the other candidates have dared to touch.

The issue is this: there is a great inequity, bordering on racism and bigotry, in the naming of towns, cities, and other places in the United States. Did you know that there are 13 places with Democrat as all or part of the place name around the country, but only 9 with Republican. We have towns in Alabama, Arkansas, California, Idaho, Kentucky, North Carolina, and Texas by the name of Democrat, along with Democrat Spring, Illinois, Democrat Ridge, Missouri, Democrat Landing, Alabama, Democrat Guard Station (aka Democrat Fire Station), California, Democrat Crossing, Texas, and Democrat Bluff, Alabama. That's can count them.

Republicans on the other hand have towns named Republican in Arkansas, North Carolina, South Dakota, Ohio, Nebraska, and Mississippi along with Republican Grove, Virginia, Republican Station, Nebraska, and Republican Valley Farm, Ohio. That's just nine. Less than 70% of what the Democrats have.

I cannot believe that the news media have not picked up on this. I suspect they are aware of it, but you know how they are when it comes to pointing out any inequities that favor the Democrats. Just think what the headlines would be if it was the other way around. Every paper in the country would be splashed with "Republicans secretly infiltrating America's homes: huge difference found in place names across the country!"

And this is not the worst of it. My team of expert researchers has discovered that there are over 100 places with names that include Kennedy, over 140 that include Clinton, and even more, two hundred at least, that include Carter. All of this while Nixon barely rates 30, Reagan 15, and Eisenhower...this is the kicker...Eisenhower only has 2 golf courses, an arts center, a tunnel, and a shopping mall.

This kind of anti-Republicanism must stop! And I am the one to do it. My plan would be to require all states to maintain an equal distribution of Republican and Democrat place names, never to vary by more than 1%. Any state violating this policy would lose all federal funding and be ceded to Mexico or Canada, whichever was closer.

I can guarantee you that if I am elected, this kind of partisan behavior would be eliminated. So, please spread the word about the campaign and be sure to send your donations to: 101 Democrat Boulevard, Republican City.


Karen said...

Have you considered including the naming of children in your platform? How many little boys these days are named Carter, George, Harry or Clinton or just Clint? I personally know quite a few GIRLS named Reagan do you think it's more pro or anti Republican to name a GIRL Reagan... and what if the spelling is Regan... hmmm I think you're on to something big. Makes me wonder if there's subliminal party line messages being broadcast by the media that's influencing parents...

Jacque fivas said...

this is hilarious!