Saturday, April 26, 2014

I Like Mike

You may think it is too early to begin planning for the 2016 presidential race, but those of us who are serious about the next campaign actually started planning for this race back in about 1972. However, the time has come to seriously get serious. We need a catchy campaign slogan. A good slogan like "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" or "Keep Cool and Keep Coolidge" can reap big rewards when it comes to election day. Voters may not remember anything else a politician says, but they do remember the slogan. Tippecanoe was magical for Harrison, and Keeping Cool was a hit for Coolidge. However, Alf Landon's 1938 slogan of "Let's make it a Landon-slide" turned out to be a landslide alright, but for Roosevelt, not Landon.

So here's the problem. The slogan we used in 2012 (Vote for Bart, He's Better Than the Other Guy) was obviously not well chosen. Somehow the slogan got manipulated by the opposition and posters were showing up all over the place with "A Vote for Bart is No Better than a F..." I won't even dignify the expression by completing it here. This is, after all, a family friendly web site.

Because of the issues in 2012, however, the campaign staff felt that it would be wise to test out a few slogans with you, the voters, before putting out a full-scale media blitz. So we would like your opinions on the following possible slogans.

Eisenhower's catchy slogans of "I like Ike" and "I still like Ike" won him two terms in the white house, and today, with the prevalence of social media where you can easily "Like" something, I suggested to the campaign staff that we should go with "I like Mike." Some of the staff pointed out that, first of all, my name isn't Mike, and second of all this slogan today might be perceived as an endorsement for gay rights. Still, the slogan does easily stick in the voters minds and I could be persuaded to change my name to Mike. Perhaps the slogan would still work if it was modified to "I like Mike, but only as a friend."

Another serious contender is a modification of Herbert Hoover's successful 1928 slogan, "A chicken in every pot." I thought this one was also very catchy, but would work better today if we tweaked it a bit like this: "Some Pot in every Chicken." I am convinced–and our early market surveys support me–that this slogan would appeal to a broad range of voters who are concerned with the modern food supply and the deplorable way that chickens are treated. The implication of course is that we, at the Federal level, would require that chickens be treated more humanely by adding a little marijuana to their diet. The chickens would be much happier and so would the consumers of chicken and chicken products.

Additional possibilities are:
  • All the Way with PDDAAAGGBJK! A takeoff of Lyndon Johnson's successful slogan "All the Way with LBJ." I would hope it's obvious that PDDAAAGGBJK stands for Professor Doctor Dean and All Around Good Guy BJK, which is much more descriptive than Johnson's slogan.
  • He's Just Nuts! A modification of Jimmy Carter's slogan, "Not Just Peanuts." Our point is that anyone who runs for president has to be crazy, so we should not try to hide that fact from the voting public.
  • Naptime Again In America. Similar to Ronald Reagan's "Morning Again In America." This one would definitely appeal to senior citizens who are making up an ever increasing percentage of the voting public. And I think Reagan would approve. He believed in a good nap.
  • No, We Can't! This, of course, is a modification of Pres. Obama's slogan "Yes, We Can" used in 2008. Our version of the slogan is, however, much more honest. Everyone knows that the Federal Government can't do anything, so why don't we just admit it up front.
These are just a few preliminary ideas. My campaign staff would love your input on any of these, or any other slogans you think would work better. And since my work with aloe based lubricants (you can read about this discovery here) has not taken off quite as quickly as I had hoped, we would also appreciate any contributions you would like to make to the campaign. Just leave them in unmarked envelopes on my porch, preferably without any miscellaneous white powder in the envelopes.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Professor Claims He Told the Truth

NEWS BULLETIN: Professor Denies Fabricating Story

For some reason, completely unknown to me, a few of my loyal readers questioned the truth of my story (you can read it here) about doing the splits at the Smith's store last week. This kind of reaction troubles me a great deal. As one who must keep his record untarnished in order to maintain the confidence of the voting public and the respectability of the political system, I felt I needed to respond to these unfounded accusations of dishonesty. I might have added a little color to the story to make it more palatable to the general public, but this is nothing more than what is commonly accepted among those involved in political life.

So, to provide the media and my loyal followers evidence for the incident, I have included the picture below. Please, due to the nature of the photo, do not allow young children or old men to view this. It may be just too graphic for them even though I will say that my legs have always been one of my better features. I appreciate the opportunity to clear up these rumors. Sincerely, The Professor.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Preparing for 2016: Another Run for the Whitehouse

Many of you who followed my presidential campaign a couple of years ago have probably wondered what the "Professor" does when he is not on the campaign trail. Well, I did not get the title of Professor because of my good looks–although, I will admit, that my good looks and sharp wit probably did not hurt when I stood before the doctoral exam committee. But I do still ply my trade and occasionally make one of those "Eureka" type of discoveries. Scientific discoveries are often a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and yesterday I was in just one of those spots.

Where, you ask, was this magical place of discovery? Why that is what is so amazing. It was in the local Smith's grocery store. I had just picked out the best cart from the pile near the store entrance and was heading past the small plant and flower shop that they have just inside the door when it happened. You see, someone had dropped a couple of aloe vera leaves on the floor along with a drizzle of water. Then there I came traipsing along with my cart looking straight ahead toward the fruit and vegetable section, trying to keep my eyes off of the cookies and candy that are so carefully placed near the entrance and exit of the store because, that is, of course, the last place anyone would look for these unhealthy products, and Smith's, like most other grocery stores, is concerned about your health.

But I diverge...there I was traipsing along with my cart when to my surprise...WHAMO...I found myself doing the splits on the floor. Now I can tell you that this was a bit of a shock to the old system because, to be frank, I have not attempted the splits since I was in Elementary School when Sue Brockingfort challenged me to a "splits contest." At that young age, I was not aware of the deep anatomical rift between boys and girls and thought that if she could do it, then so could I. I have to admit–and I know that my fans will be disappointed here–but I did not win the contest that day, nor did I ever try to do the splits again...that is until yesterday.

Fortunately, at the Smith's store, there were two nice young people standing nearby to witness the event. After they stopped laughing, they both came over and asked for my autograph. No actually, they did not, they just helped me to rediscover how to stand.

After that I visited briefly with the store manager and tried to explain to him about my past attempts at doing the splits with Sue Brockingham, and after I told him that story all he seemed interested in was Sue. "Sue, Sue, Sue," he kept saying. "You're going to Sue?" He was a little out of his mind, I suppose, but I tried to keep assuring him that I had no intention of going to see Sue. She was past history and I had no desire to open up old wounds.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is that I made the incredible discovery that if you mix the jelly-like stuff from the aloe leaves with a little water it makes a terrific lubricant. My preliminary tests, which as you have heard I conducted myself, show that this substance is more slippery than ice or oil or almost any known material. And as soon as I can walk again, I plan to invest in an aloe farm and start marketing this stuff under the name of "Slippery Goo." I should be able to make enough off of this to fund my entire next presidential race. So, don't worry my loyal followers and friends, I will not be coming to you this next time in need of campaign donations.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

My Uncle Richard's Secret Life

The word is getting out lately that I am the man to call when you are in need of financial help. Why recently I've had emails from new friends all over the world who do not seem to be able to solve their financial problems without me. For some reason most of these new friends seem to live in Africa in places like Zimbabwe, Nigeria, Angola, or even in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso, that great African center of banking and investment.

But it is not just from Africa that I am getting the opportunity to share my financial prowess with new friends. For example, a couple of months ago, I received this letter (see below) in the mail, with a real Forever U.S. stamp on it and postmarked Oakland, CA, from a very kind man named Hiroyoshi Ohashi, who was in desperate need of my help.

I was shocked, of course, to see that my Uncle Richard, who is over 80 years old and lives a couple of miles away from me, had traveled to Japan to invest his hard-earned money ($8.5 million is not just pocket change, you know) and while there he had met an untimely end on a fishing trip outside of Osaka. I was a bit puzzled about the $8.5 million because my Uncle Richard had always lived such a modest lifestyle, and the fishing part was also puzzling since I was unaware that Uncle Richard ever went fishing. But then I don't see my Uncle that often, so perhaps like Walter Mitty, he had somewhat of a secret life.

Notwithstanding this secret life, his death was still very upsetting. However, his death, I am afraid to say, was not the most shocking part. The thing that upset me the most in this whole affair was that another man, who looks exactly like my Uncle Richard and appears to be about his same age, is now living with my Aunt Nancy in their home. I know this for a fact, because I and other family members have visited them. I can come to no other conclusion than that he is another man because my new friend Hiroyoshi is certain my Uncle Richard died in Japan in 2011. Even my Uncle's own children (Karl and Kendra) don't seem to realize that an imposter is now representing himself as their father. I have been struggling with how best to break the news to them. My friend Hiroyoshi suggested that it would be best to wait until I get my half of the unclaimed $8.5 million. It didn't seem to bother Hiroyoshi that Richard had children who might have a better claim to the fortune than I do. I could share part of it with them if I wanted, he said.

Well, I just wanted to get all of this off of my chest before I headed down to the bank to wire Hiroyoshi the $100,000 he needs to clear the financial hurdles of securing Uncle Richard's fortune and sending my half on to me. I will need to withdraw this money from my retirement account, which you might think is a bit of a risk, but I am more than happy to help out since he seems like such a nice man and he guarantees me that there is no risk and no wrong-doing on my part.

You can read more about these types of scams on the following web sites: