Preparing for 2016: Another Run for the Whitehouse

Many of you who followed my presidential campaign a couple of years ago have probably wondered what the "Professor" does when he is not on the campaign trail. Well, I did not get the title of Professor because of my good looks–although, I will admit, that my good looks and sharp wit probably did not hurt when I stood before the doctoral exam committee. But I do still ply my trade and occasionally make one of those "Eureka" type of discoveries. Scientific discoveries are often a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and yesterday I was in just one of those spots.

Where, you ask, was this magical place of discovery? Why that is what is so amazing. It was in the local Smith's grocery store. I had just picked out the best cart from the pile near the store entrance and was heading past the small plant and flower shop that they have just inside the door when it happened. You see, someone had dropped a couple of aloe vera leaves on the floor along with a drizzle of water. Then there I came traipsing along with my cart looking straight ahead toward the fruit and vegetable section, trying to keep my eyes off of the cookies and candy that are so carefully placed near the entrance and exit of the store because, that is, of course, the last place anyone would look for these unhealthy products, and Smith's, like most other grocery stores, is concerned about your health.

But I diverge...there I was traipsing along with my cart when to my surprise...WHAMO...I found myself doing the splits on the floor. Now I can tell you that this was a bit of a shock to the old system because, to be frank, I have not attempted the splits since I was in Elementary School when Sue Brockingfort challenged me to a "splits contest." At that young age, I was not aware of the deep anatomical rift between boys and girls and thought that if she could do it, then so could I. I have to admit–and I know that my fans will be disappointed here–but I did not win the contest that day, nor did I ever try to do the splits again...that is until yesterday.

Fortunately, at the Smith's store, there were two nice young people standing nearby to witness the event. After they stopped laughing, they both came over and asked for my autograph. No actually, they did not, they just helped me to rediscover how to stand.

After that I visited briefly with the store manager and tried to explain to him about my past attempts at doing the splits with Sue Brockingham, and after I told him that story all he seemed interested in was Sue. "Sue, Sue, Sue," he kept saying. "You're going to Sue?" He was a little out of his mind, I suppose, but I tried to keep assuring him that I had no intention of going to see Sue. She was past history and I had no desire to open up old wounds.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is that I made the incredible discovery that if you mix the jelly-like stuff from the aloe leaves with a little water it makes a terrific lubricant. My preliminary tests, which as you have heard I conducted myself, show that this substance is more slippery than ice or oil or almost any known material. And as soon as I can walk again, I plan to invest in an aloe farm and start marketing this stuff under the name of "Slippery Goo." I should be able to make enough off of this to fund my entire next presidential race. So, don't worry my loyal followers and friends, I will not be coming to you this next time in need of campaign donations.