Monday, May 12, 2014

Two of the Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Weight Loss Programs

[Note: Our presidential candidate for the 2016 elections, the Professor, has been asked today to lend his expertise on the ISP Network's prime-time show "Yesterday" hosted by TV and opinion magnate Ichan S. Plurg. The Professor believes this will be a defining moment in the campaign. We join the show as it begins.]

Ichan: Welcome dieters! Welcome everyone! You are in for a treat today. We have as our guests here on the ISP's flagship show the world famous–and that may be overstating it a bit–Dr. P. P. Phraan, M.D., D.D.S., J.D., Ph.D., M.S., B.S., J.V.C., Q.T., and many more, as well as the Professor, who I understand is running again for the presidency. What is this, Professor? Like the 300th time?

Professor: No, Ichan. I realize it may seem like...

Ichan: Well never mind. We are not really here today on the "Yesterday" show to talk about your failed attempts to win the nomination. No, today, we are here on "Yesterday" to meet Dr. P. P. Phraan and to discuss his new diet sensation book, The Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight. Dr. Phraan come on up!

[Cheers from the audience]

Ichan: As Dr. Phraan makes his way up to the stage, let me remind you audience members and also those of you listening and watching at home that on this show we provide only the facts, along with our own insightful commentary. And if you would like a transcript of today's "Yesterday" show you'll find it on our website in the member's only section. Join up now for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all of our shows, including the transcripts, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my childhood, miscellaneous worthless souvenirs, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular non-member price. Plus you will be able to order the free tickets (*tickets are free, shipping is a minimum of $30) to actually attend the show here in person. Well, enough about me...actually you can never get enough of me...but we must go on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Tank you. Eet ez my pleazure to be vit you here on "Yesterday."

Ichan: Dr. Phraan, just for the benefit of our audience, do the initials P. P. stand for anything?

Dr. Phraan: No. My parents tot eet would be better for my career to not have a given name.

Ichan: Wow! So, how could any parent name their child P. P.? That must have made for some interesting times on the playground.

Dr. Phraan: I don't know vat you mean, and besides I tot dat ve vere here to discuss my book.

Ichan: Yes we are, but just one more question first. Aren't you from Iowa?

Dr. Phraan: Yes, and your point ez vat?

Ichan: I've been to Iowa a few times and I've never met anyone who talks like you, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Only ze vell educated ones speak dis vay, and belief me der are not dat many of us in Iowa. I am, you see, unique, unlike theez other bozo you have sitting here on ze couch.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan. This other bozo is the Professor. He's running for president again and he will be helping me to evaluate the truthfulness of the claims in your book. I picked up a copy of the book yesterday for "Yesterday," but I haven't actually been able to get past the first couple of pages myself. That's where the Professor will come in with insightful comments on your diets.

Professor: Yes, Ichan. I would like to....

Ichan: Not now Professor, we'll be right back after this word from our ISP sponsor for today's program–Broadwire College, owned and operated by me.

[Break for commercial. Mr. Plurg flirts with a pretty woman on the front row while the Professor and Dr. P. P. Phraan glare at each other.]

Ichan: AND WE'RE BACK! So, Dr. Phraan let's begin by digging right into the meat of the book. Your twenty guaranteed ways to lose weight. I'm all ears! No, really I'm not. I know some people who are all ears or ear hair, like the Professor here, but that would not be me. Still, go ahead with the book.

Dr. Phraan: Tank you Mr. Splurg. Ze idea for ze book came to me one day vile I vas picking cherries as a boy. I vould eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and then eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and den...

Ichan: I think we get the idea, doctor. You were picking and eating. Go on.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, after a while, no matter how many cherries I ate, more of them...vell, you know vat I mean.

Ichan: No, I don't think I do, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, cherries, you see, pass through ze bowel very quickly. So I could not eat as many as passed on through and I vas losing veight. Dis vas ze discovery of ze first of my 20 guaranteed diets. I call dis ze "Cherry Gut Diet." And I promise eet vill vork. Ze diet consists of only eating healthy cherries for all three meals daily. Dey should be ze nice sweet ones, not those sour kinds.

Ichan: Do they need to be organic?

Dr. Phraan: Dat would be helpful because ze turkey manure dey use to spray ze organic trees vit may further stimulate ze bowel.

Ichan: Professor, any particular insights into this Cherry Gut Diet?

Professor: Well, I think it could be...

Ichan: Thanks, Professor. That's quite and endorsement for Diet #1, doctor. Let's move on to number two.

Dr. Phraan: Diet number two ez even better. I call et ze "Butcher's Diet" and eet ez perhaps ze most effective of any of ze diets. Losing veight ez simply a matter of choices. Some choices are easy, like eating cherries. Some are hard, like ze Butcher's Diet. Ze difference ez dat vit ze Butcher's Diet, you vill not have to vorry about gaining ze veight back. To implement ze diet, go down to your local butcher shop and ask zem to please cut off one of your arms or legs. Eet ez best to have ze appropriate medical staff on hand. Once the appendage is cut off, you vill have permanently lost a considerable amount of ze veight. It vill not easily return.

Ichan: It sounds somewhat dangerous–drastic even. Don't you think so Professor? Oh dear, the Professor has passed out. Someone get a glass of water over here to throw at him. No! I didn't mean to throw the glass, just the water. Ouch! That's going to make a nasty bruise.

[The Professor sits back up rubbing his left eye.]

Ichan: I am afraid doctor that we have cruised right through our time for today. I had hoped to get through the first five of your incredible diets, but the others will have to wait for next time. Audience please give a big hand to our fascinating guest, Dr. P. P. Phraan. Come back tomorrow for more "Yesterday" when we will cover more of Dr. Phraan's revolutionary diets. And don't forget to stop by our website at for all of our great products and merchandise.

[Back at the Professor's campaign headquarters, the staff is cheering. The Professor made it through the entire show without one major political blunder.]

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