Breaking news...

[We are at the headquarters of the Center for Republican Understanding of Democrats (C.R.U.D.) in downtown Promise City, Iowa where a press conference has been called by the "Vote for Bart" campaign. Here is Professor Bart now and Mrs. Bart is with him, standing to the side and just slightly behind him.]

Professor: My dear friends and supporters. This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life...and I know that I have disappointed many of you. Nonetheless, it is time for me to come clean. In this day of flash mobs and twittering media, it is impossible to keep anything personal. I hope you believe me when I say that I had no intention of deceiving my family, my wife, and my faithful supporters. I must confess today that I did...at one time...have a brief association with the Democratic Party. I want to assure you, however, that I never really felt like a Democrat...I might have been in the same room with a few of them, but I never inhaled their political philosophy. Now I believe we have a few moments for a couple of questions.

Media Reporter #1: Professor...is it true that you once hosted a Democratic Party caucus meeting at your home? And, if I may just ask a short follow up question...do you have any idea what a flash mob is?

Professor: Of course I know what a flash mob is. But I don't think this is the place to discuss such disgusting behavior...and you can be certain that if I am elected, I will put a stop to them. With regards to your first question, yes, I did sign up to host a caucus meeting at my home. At the time I was unaware that it was for the Democratic Party...I thought it was meeting of scholars to discuss democracy. And anyway nobody except an out-of-work musician showed up. That hardly counts, I think. Next question?

Media Reporter #2: Professor...how can you honestly say that you were never really a Democrat? I have reports that show you were registered as a Democrat for more than a decade, that you served as a delegate on more than one occasion to county and state Democratic Party conventions, that you openly put up placards for Democratic candidates on your front lawn, and that you still own a Jimmy Carter bobblehead doll.

Professor: I'll have you know that doll is a valuable artifact of a bygone era. I keep it only for academic purposes. I have no comment on your other allegations. Next question.

Media Reporter #3: Professor...what is the status of your presidential campaign now that you have come out of the closet, so to speak? The polls, for example, are showing you as dead last in every primary if they were held today.

Professor: Poles? I'll have you know that the Poles are firmly on my side. Why my great-great-grandfather was a Pole. I don't know where you are getting your data, but you'd better go back and check your sources. And I resent your implication that I have come out of the closet. I will never come out of the closet. I don't even know where the closet is. What....no, no...let me take a few more questions...the truth must be told!

[Unfortunately, I believe that is the end of this news conference. The Professor's wife just dragged him off of the podium.]