More Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight

 
[Note: We return to the ISP Network for another episode of the "Yesterday" show hosted by Ichan S. Plurg, with his guests Dr. P. P. Phraan, the noted diet specialist, as well as 2016 presidential candidate, The Professor. For those of you who may have accidentally missed the first appearance of Dr. Phraan on the "Yesterday" show, we refer you to the transcript, which can be found at this LINK.]

Ichan: Welcome back viewers to the highest rated TV show in which I appear as the host. The latest Neilsen Ratings show that our viewership has now increased well into the double digits. Dozens of you are watching us every day. Remember to sign up now for our monthly newsletter for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all the inside information that we deliberately don't use on our shows, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my wife and kids, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular price. And don't forget you'll also be eligible for our drawing for free tickets to actually attend the show here in person. That's right the tickets are free! You will have to pay a small shipping fee. Now let's get on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome back.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Thank you Ichan. It is my pleasure to be with you. But did you have to invite bozo here to come back as well.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan, that is not very charitable of you. The Professor, as you know, is running for president again, and we thought it would be good for our viewers to see exactly why they don't want to vote for him. Besides, he is here to provide color commentary about your diet plans.

Dr. P. P.: I see. You could not find anyone else, I take it.

Ichan: Perhaps. Say...didn't you have some funny accent last time you appeared on the show?

Dr. P. P.: I might have.

Ichan: No problem, I think we've all tried out a few things like that. I once wore a non-designer shirt. It was just for a moment, mind you, and I didn't really get it all the way on. But yes we all have our little secrets. Why I believe that the Professor once stuck two dozen chewed pieces of bubble gum up his nose. Isn't that right Professor?

The Professor: No, Ichan, it was only one dozen and it was part of a very serious scientific experiment. And I believe that we got all but a couple pieces out completely.

Ichan: I don't know why we need to look any further for a good presidential candidate. I don't think any of the others can top that story. Maybe if Bill Clinton ran again he could come up with something, but he's already used up his two terms. But we are not really here to talk politics. We're here to find out more about the amazing guaranteed diet plans of Dr. Phraan. Last time he shared with us his revolutionary Cherry Gut and Butcher's diet plans––both guaranteed to cause weight loss or your money back. What else have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Phraan. Let's have some more of your incredible wisdom on dieting.

Dr. P. P.: Well, Ichan, you may have heard Doctor's and dieticians for years suggest that the best way to lose weight is to eat less––to take in fewer calories than you use. This we might call the "Standard Diet." The only problem with the Standard Diet is that it's boring. So, I have come up with what I call the "Amazingly Improved Standard Diet." It's really quite simple. You eat nothing. In just one month on this diet you can lose an incredible amount of weight. We are not sure just exactly how much a person might lose in a month, because we have not had any of our subjects on this diet survive that long, but the preliminary results are absolutely encouraging.

Ichan: So, you're saying that anyone can lose weight on this diet? What do you think Professor?

The Professor: I'm sure this diet is as deadly as Dr. Phraan suggests. I would...

Ichan: Recommend it? Wow! Another great endorsement from the Professor. What else have you got Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: Ichan, let me give you a few more of my revolutionary diet ideas. You've heard of people who get their stomach stapled so that it will not hold as much food?

Ichan: Yes.

Dr. P. P.: Well, I have a diet plan called the "Mouth Staples Diet." Rather than staple the stomach, you have your mouth stapled. It really cuts down on the calories and helps even more with inane dinner time conversation.

Ichan: That's fascinating, Dr. Phraan. Keep going.

Dr. P. P.: Doctors for years have been preaching the dietary benefits of exercise. I believe this is true, but in order to make it work well you can't just get on the treadmill for a few minutes a day. What you need to do is have yourself strapped to the treadmill and only be allowed off for a few minutes to use the bathroom each day. In just seven days, we believe, you could lose as much as 100% of your weight. We call it the "100% Treadmill Diet." For example, look at this happy participant in our trials.

Ichan: Incredible! So if I start at 200 lbs and lose 100% of my weight, how much would I weigh, Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: I can't give you an exact figure off the top of my head, Ichan. My math skills are a little rusty, but it would be a significant amount, I would guess that for you it would be 30...maybe 40 lbs.

Ichan: I had no idea that 100% would add up to that much, Dr. Phraan. These diet plans are simple phenomenal, don't you think so Professor?

The Professor: I simply must protest, Ichan. These diets are so incredibly..."

Ichan: Incredible! That's what I said, Professor. You must have drifted off again. I think we have time for one more, Dr. What else have you got?

Dr. P. P.: This one, Ichan, is one of my best. No matter how much you weigh, you will lose it all on this diet. I call it the "Free Fall Diet." I'm not sure why scientists, who have known about this for years, have not tried to market it. Here is the gist of the diet. Take a standard bathroom scale and tie it to your feet. Then have someone push you off of a tall cliff. You will see that, before you were pushed off of the cliff, the scale showed your normal amount of weight. But once you are in the air, the scale will read zero weight. You've "Lost it All on the Free Fall." That's our catchy little jingle to go with the ad campaign we are planning. These pictures give you an idea of how thin and happy people are on this diet.

Ichan: I simply do not know what to say, Dr. Another home run. Wow! Audience what do you think?

[Loud clapping and cheering from the audience.]

Ichan: And what about you Professor. You can't top that, I'll bet.

The Professor: No, Ichan. I can't. But I do wonder what happens when you hit the ground.

Ichan: You are always such a nit-picker about the details, Professor. Well, that's all the time we have for today. So, thank you Dr. Phraan. We hope to get you back again sometime. And to you viewers listening in, remember that we do not specifically endorse any product or procedure, even when they sound as good as these diets by Dr. P. P. Phraan. Be sure to come back tomorrow for more of the "Yesterday" show here on the ISP Network.