Vote for Bart! - The Cortisone Effect

My presidential campaign has been on hold for some time now. I'm basically waiting for the other candidates to destroy themselves and then I can step in as the only viable candidate. And besides, when I didn't get any delegates in Wyoming I knew it was time to re-evaluate. Maybe fire my campaign manager. (I decided that I shouldn't do that because my campaign manager was the only person who voted for me).

However, I want to assure all my loyal supporters that I have not forgotten them. And in fact I have discovered today a new tactic that helps me understand how Romney and Santorum are able to keep up the long campaign hours and never look tired, never look like they had a bad night's sleep, neer look like they ever had teenagers in their home, or a new born baby for that matter. These men look refreshed, coiffed, and always at their best.

Here was how I made this discovery. I have been having some foot problems (what? no I'm not talking about the smell...now let me tell my story). I went to see me orthopedist today because my ankles are not as lovely as they once were. Anyway, after suggesting that I allow him to rip my foot apart, put in a few screws, cut off a few edges, and then add some other assorted pieces of metal, he said that an alternative was to try some cortisone shots. I--even with my phobia of shots--voted for that over the screws and assorted pieces of metal. Well, let me tell you, when you're almost 60 and things are falling apart, try the cortisone. Here it is almost two in the morning, and I am feeling (and probably looking) a lot like Romney and Santorum. I have discovered the secret to their success...and now they'd better watch out.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no concrete proof that they are doping up on steroids, but I think the statistics speak for themselves. Delegate count: Romney 492; Santorum; 252; Gingrich 131; Paul 48; and Professor Bart 0 (well it's actually 1/2 delegate if you count the guy in Guam who mistakenly voted for me). How else could there be such a discrepancy? I have a better campaign platform than any of them. I have more character than all of them except perhaps Gingrich. And I have offered to give a free car to every American over the age of 20 and under the age of 80.

All I have to say is remember a guy named Bonds? Ben Johnson? Carl Lewis? How about McGwire? Sosa? Armstrong? East German women swimmers? I could keep on naming them but I think you get the idea. Did anyone really need to ask if they were using steroids, particularly those East German women swimmers? Well, just take a good look at the two Republican frontrunners next time you get a chance. I think the conclusion will be pretty obvious.

So, now I have joined the club. My only problem is figuring out a way to get these shots every day, rather than every 6 months. If I can do that--Watch Out Frontrunners! I'm going to run you over. Or at least waddle you over.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]

Vote for Bart - The Campaign Heats Up!

I am certain that most of you caught my performance at the recent South Evangilina presidential debate. It was another instance of the liberal and conservative media trying to twist everything I said into bigotry and lies. For those of you who may have missed the debate, I have asked my staff to provide you with a few essential excerpts here that show you the despicable, deplorable, downright dirty tactics taken by the media. It started right with the first question of the debate, which was directed at me.

Moderator: Professor, is has been reported in the news today that you have been married to the same woman for over 32 years? Would you care to respond to this claim.

Professor: No...but I will. I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic such as that! I think the destructive, vicious, dog-eat-dog, dirty, negative, under-the-table, horrific, muck-raking nature of most of the media makes it harder to...what? [a member of the Professor's staff has just slipped him a note] Oh, excuse me, I think my cue cards got mixed up. Ah, here we are. Yes, yes it's true...I have been married to the same woman for over 32 years. Something I am very proud of. This is definitive, complete, and positive proof that I am a man of family values, of moral dimension, and that I am deeply involved in the human conversation. How can anyone be married for over 32 years and not be deeply involved in the human conversation.

Moderator: Thank you Professor. As a follow up question -- It has also been reported by your wife of 32 years on a competing network that you regularly wash dishes, iron your own shirts, and make your own lunch. Would you care to respond to these allegations?Professor: No...but I will. I am disgusted that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic such as this! Oh, excuse me, I think I said that already. Ah, yes...here we are. The media continues to make it harder and harder to keep our private lives under the covers...no, wait a minute...that didn't sound right. What I mean to say is that they make it harder to be a governor, and I intend to be a great governor when I am elected president! What? No, I'm not running for Governor...I'm running for president. But listen here Bill...to take a wife of 32 years and make things like this an issue in a presidential campaign is as close to despicable as I can imagine. Although I do think that the movie "Despicable Me" came pretty close to what I would imagine. And it is true that I do not have a very good imagination. Nonetheless, this is utterly despicable!

Moderator: As you know Professor, this was not something that came from my own network, but it is something that has been reported on the campaign. I get your point. I want to assure you that I get your point.Professor: Bill...Bill...it was reported and repeated on your network. You chose to start this debate with it. Don't you dare try to pass this off onto someone else. You are in bed with the rest of the media and I am not going to tolerate this kind of behavior in a presidential debate where we should be talking about the economy, world peace, and family values. You and all the rest of the media keep throwing up this smokescreen of nonsense and sensationalizing the trivial details of our personal lives, all the while ignoring the true issue of who is the fittest among the contenders to lead the country. The fittest is obviously me. Me! It should be obvious to everyone. I am an angry, anti-establishment, non-insider insider who knows more about the workings of Washington than any of my establishment, insider opponents. I have never dirtied my hands in the cesspool of capitalism! I have never trampled over the rights of the common working class. No! I am just a "Regular Joe" like all of these great people here in South Evangilina, who don't care in the least if there are some blemishes on my personal life like fixing my own lunches. What they care about are issues, real issues. Issues like who should be allowed to move into their neighborhoods and which president has had the most counties names after him. These are issues I can fix if given your vote. So, let's get on with the debate and then elect a president who is neither a slimy amphibian nor an implement for catching baseballs. Elect me!