The Professor is Back

 

 

NEWS CONFERENCE WITH THE PROFESSOR

Professor: My fellow earthlings. It is my pleasure today to announce that my campaign for President...that's President of the Universe...is going well. As you may recall, I have attempted on other occasions to run for President of the United States, but have been foiled in my attempt by others with better hair styles. This will not be a problem in running for President of the Universe because, as far as I can tell, I am the only candidate.

Newsperson #1: Professor, what will be the main points of your campaign. What issues will you tackle in your run for President of the Universe?

Professor: I have a killer platform that will be hard to beat. In fact, there has never been a platform as great as mine and have you seen the crowds at my recitals...no, no, that's not it. What do you call those things when I get up on a podium and tell jokes to the crowds? Oh yes, my...my...no matter, it escapes me at the moment, but my crowds are enormous. Why at the last one I couldn't see more that a couple feet in front of me.

Newsperson #2: Might I remind you professor that your last rally was held in a broom closet.

Professor: Ah, yes. That's what you call them. Rallies. Mine are huge. And I want you all to know that my opponents are all idiots. My brain is ten times...no, a thousand times as big and smart as theirs.

Newsperson #1: But Professor, you said just moments ago that you don't have any opponents for this election. And how is someone supposed to vote for you anyway? 

Professor: Now, that is an important question. But first I want to state emphatically that there will be cheating and massive voter fraud during the election. They'll be using those damn machines imported from Burkina Faso to count the votes and as I discovered on my old Twitter account, Burkina Faso doesn't make voting machines. So, this is all some big scam put together by the Martians. And speaking of Martians, I promise that I won't let them continue to import that red dust with impunity. I plan to raise the import tariffs on all interplanetary dust, excepting, of course, Moon dust because we all know how poor the Moonies are. Always begging for donations at airports and ski resorts. I've even donated to them myself when I have found I carried a bit of change. Not that I would do this very often, mind you. Free handouts just encourage crime...the worst kinds of crime...like bending the corners over on the pages of borrowed books or flossing your teeth in public with one of those quirky little flossing sticks.

Newsperson #3: Professor, this is all very interesting, but could you give us your position on the economy? How do you propose to stimulate the economy?

Professor: Never you mind about that. I have a plan for the economy. A very sound, very important, very big plan. The best plan that has ever been put forward. Even Michael Scott has never had a plan so completely fabulous.

Newsperson #3: Professor, you do realize that Michael Scott is a fictional character, don't you?

Professor: What do you mean--fictional? I saw him just last night on TV. You can't tell me that's fictional. Why I'll bet you don't believe that Martians eat dirt. I've seen multiple reports of this and it is truly disgusting. When I am elected President of the Universe, I promise to make dirt eating illegal...unless of course the dirt eaters wish to vote for me, then I would have to reconsider this position. But let's get back to the important issues. The Universe is going to hell in a hand basket and my opponents claim everything is fine. How can they say everything is fine when we're still allowing kids to eat hot dogs and bologna? How can they claim everything is fine when Pluto has been reduced to something other that a regular planet? How can they claim the Universe is not in trouble when scientist are discovering hundreds of new planets every year? Can you imagine the influx of immigrants that will soon be swarming to earth, taking jobs that no earthling wants, and bringing with them interplanetary diseases and crime. Crime will triple...no quadruple...if the influx of extraterrestrials does not stop. I promise to build a solid fence around the entire earth to stop this flow of unhuman garbage.

Newsperson #2: Wow, Professor. I really don't know where to start in responding to all of that.

Professor: I know. It's just overwholming...or is it overwhelming? Just be assured that I have everything under control. I intend to Make the Universe Great Again...MUGA. Isn't that a great slogan. I came up with it myself and, if you are interested, I am selling hats, scarves, jackets, coins, photos, ties, shoes, kitchen appliances, and many other valuable, high-quality items emblazoned with MUGA. These items will go fast, so get your order in soon. Just Venmo $500 for each item directly to The Professor. You will never regret the purchase of a $500 MUGA hat. No time for more questions. I can see that some in my crowd are leaving...no, no, you didn't hear me say that. The crowd is just getting bigger and bigger so that we might have to move this news conference out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

An Interview with "Q"

As many of my loyal followers know, I have been politically active for many years, even having run for President a couple of times. What almost no one, not even my closest advisors, knows is that I have been working for the past four years as an advisor to President Trump and as his liaison to the mysterious and popular figure "Q." I admit, that when the President first approached me about the opportunity, I was not certain that having a former British intelligence officer tied to the US presidency was ideal, but I was assured that no one would connect the Q in QAnon with his former role as creator of fine gadgets for 007.

So, with that introduction, I am pleased today to be able to provide my readers with a closer look inside the mind of this fascinating man.

PROFESSOR: It is so nice to have this opportunity to visit in the open Q. We have spent several years now silently working in the background and your followers are eager to know more about the man.

Q: Now, you remember that we have agreed that you will not ask any hard questions.

PROFESSOR: Yes. We'll stick with the soft-ball questions. First, Q, how did you get into the unsubstantiated rumor business?

Q: Well, after MI6 replaced me with someone younger, I floundered around a bit before I discovered that the rumor business was pretty wide open. I mean with all of the new tools you Americans have provided for fostering this sort of thing, it just seemed like a natural sort of fit. Rather than create new gadgets and always let someone else get the girls and the glory, why not be the instigator myself.

PROFESSOR: I see...so why the US? Why not have stayed in the UK and helped Boris Johnson? He seems to be similar to President Trump in many ways.

Q: Yes, that may be true. But people in the US are just so much more gullible. They will believe almost anything I put out. For example, you remember the Pizza shop business we stirred up a while back. I had no idea that someone would actually buy into that rumor. Who in their right mind would believe that powerful Democrats were secretly having orgies with underage teens in the basement of a Pizza shop? I'm not sure it even had a basement.

PROFESSOR: Yes, we've pushed that rumor about as far as we can now, haven't we? The President was pleased to see how well that rumor took off. And besides, it did deflect some of the attention from his own links to that kind of business. But enough about the past. What are your plans going forward? How long can we continue to push the "stolen election" rumors?

Q: Well, you know the President. Once we give him a good rumor to run with, he is reluctant to let it go. I am sure he will still be putting the illegal ballots and stolen election rumors forward for many years to come. Wouldn't be surprised to see him start a new reality TV show around the idea. And we actually did find some fraudulent votes. Unfortunately, most of them were discovered in the trunk of Eric's car while it was parked outside of the Philadelphia election center. I'm not sure how he was planning to get those into the system, but details like that have never bothered the Trump boys.

PROFESSOR: But again, what are your plans now that we will apparently have a new president?

Q: To be honest, I haven't thought too much about it. I suspect I will take a bit of a vacation (I apologize to all those waiting to hear from me). And after that, who knows? Perhaps Nancy Pelosi could use a good person in the unsubstantiated rumor department. 

PROFESSOR: Well, it has been a pleasure to work with you for the last few years and I am sure we'll be hearing more from you in the future. Rumors and conspiracy theories are always in style.

A Campus Crisis

 

Yes, it's the Professor here. I know that many of you are still very disappointed that I did not make a better effort to capture the presidency in the last election. However, it was obvious to me that I did not have the right set of skills to compete with the eventual winner--our current president, Mr. Trump. He has intelligence, grace, and social skills, combined with a temperament, never before seen in a leader of the free world, in addition to a great comb-over hair style. These attributes have established a new level of competence for those seeking the presidency. I simply could not compete.

But I digress. My reason for communicating with all of you, my loyal followers, on this occasion is to make you aware of a growing crisis on our college campuses. I have become aware of this serious problem during my daily walks--and no, contrary to what some of my detractors have suggested, I am not wandering about campus because I can no longer find my office, but because I have found that many of our societal social problems can be observed in these brief excursions from my protected office environment.

Yes, well--here is the crux of the problem, or the problem in a nutcase--or should that be nutshell? I forget. Anyway, the problem is this: more and more young people, particularly young women, are suffering in extreme poverty while they attempt to complete a college education. How do I know this, you might ask? Well, I did not get to be a doctor of science for nothing. I make observations, you see. I watch our students as I wander around looking for my office...no, I meant to say while I am getting some fresh air. You may be as shocked as I to discover that perhaps 15-20% of our current college students cannot afford to buy a good pair of jeans. I have attached a few example photos for you so that you can see the magnitude of the problem.

 

Can you imagine the struggles these students must have to even keep themselves fed and housed when they cannot afford to buy new jeans. Where is United Way, the World Health Organization, the Children's Hunger Alliance, the national church charities, the AMA, ABA, NOW, OPEC, NRA, CBS, ABC, USSR, etc. on this important issue. Do they not care? Where does our President stand on this critical issue?

Frankly, I am quite disturbed that I have not been able to find anyone who seems to care. University administrators say their hands are tied by federal regulations. My contacts at the Environmental Protection Agency have told me that although this might be considered an environmental issue, they have got their hands full right now trying to decide whether or not global warming is real. The Department of Health and Human services refused to take my phone calls--something about my previous involvement with the DiHydrogen MonOxide (DHMO) scare. Which, by the way, is still a serious problem. 

Although both men and women are affected by this epidemic of student poverty, it seems to be much more prevalent among the young women on campus. So, I would have thought that the National Organization of Women would take up the cause, but here again my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

So, I have come to you, my faithful followers. I am going to start a fund called something catchy like "Grants for Pants" or "Means for Jeans" or perhaps "Anti-Poverty Program for Ladies in Education (APPLE)". I would like to hear from you and get your input on the name. Funds, of course, will be deposited in an unnamed account somewhere in the Caribbean. As always, you can be sure that any donations will only be spent on the purposes for which I intend them to be spent.

Another Raccoon!

I will have to admit that I am getting pretty good at this raccoon trapping business. On my first attempt, as you may have read earlier, I caught a kind of albino raccoon (see above). You can read about it here. Heady from this early success, I reset the trap a couple of nights ago only to be disappointed. Something–I suppose it could have been a raccoon or a hungry neighborhood child–got into the trap and ate all the bait. It was a nice piece of chicken. I almost ate it myself.

So, once again I set out my Havahart © trap with a fresh leg of roast chicken from Harmon's in it. And, lo and behold, I caught another one. This one was again not quite what I had been expecting. The coloring was a bit off. It was all black and white, but at least it didn't have a strong odor to it, as I have been warned some varieties of raccoon have. No, it looked somewhat like the first one, but with different coloring (see below).

So, the racoons continue to wreak havoc in Utah, particularly in my back yard where they ate 3 lbs of birdseed out of one feeder in just one night. The Deseret News even had a story on how destructive they are.  And KSL ran a story on them as well. This is no laughing matter, I tell you. Well, I've put the trap out again tonight. If I catch another cat, I'm thinking of switching to Costco roast chicken instead of Harmons.

More Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight

 
[Note: We return to the ISP Network for another episode of the "Yesterday" show hosted by Ichan S. Plurg, with his guests Dr. P. P. Phraan, the noted diet specialist, as well as 2016 presidential candidate, The Professor. For those of you who may have accidentally missed the first appearance of Dr. Phraan on the "Yesterday" show, we refer you to the transcript, which can be found at this LINK.]

Ichan: Welcome back viewers to the highest rated TV show in which I appear as the host. The latest Neilsen Ratings show that our viewership has now increased well into the double digits. Dozens of you are watching us every day. Remember to sign up now for our monthly newsletter for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all the inside information that we deliberately don't use on our shows, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my wife and kids, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular price. And don't forget you'll also be eligible for our drawing for free tickets to actually attend the show here in person. That's right the tickets are free! You will have to pay a small shipping fee. Now let's get on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome back.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Thank you Ichan. It is my pleasure to be with you. But did you have to invite bozo here to come back as well.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan, that is not very charitable of you. The Professor, as you know, is running for president again, and we thought it would be good for our viewers to see exactly why they don't want to vote for him. Besides, he is here to provide color commentary about your diet plans.

Dr. P. P.: I see. You could not find anyone else, I take it.

Ichan: Perhaps. Say...didn't you have some funny accent last time you appeared on the show?

Dr. P. P.: I might have.

Ichan: No problem, I think we've all tried out a few things like that. I once wore a non-designer shirt. It was just for a moment, mind you, and I didn't really get it all the way on. But yes we all have our little secrets. Why I believe that the Professor once stuck two dozen chewed pieces of bubble gum up his nose. Isn't that right Professor?

The Professor: No, Ichan, it was only one dozen and it was part of a very serious scientific experiment. And I believe that we got all but a couple pieces out completely.

Ichan: I don't know why we need to look any further for a good presidential candidate. I don't think any of the others can top that story. Maybe if Bill Clinton ran again he could come up with something, but he's already used up his two terms. But we are not really here to talk politics. We're here to find out more about the amazing guaranteed diet plans of Dr. Phraan. Last time he shared with us his revolutionary Cherry Gut and Butcher's diet plans––both guaranteed to cause weight loss or your money back. What else have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Phraan. Let's have some more of your incredible wisdom on dieting.

Dr. P. P.: Well, Ichan, you may have heard Doctor's and dieticians for years suggest that the best way to lose weight is to eat less––to take in fewer calories than you use. This we might call the "Standard Diet." The only problem with the Standard Diet is that it's boring. So, I have come up with what I call the "Amazingly Improved Standard Diet." It's really quite simple. You eat nothing. In just one month on this diet you can lose an incredible amount of weight. We are not sure just exactly how much a person might lose in a month, because we have not had any of our subjects on this diet survive that long, but the preliminary results are absolutely encouraging.

Ichan: So, you're saying that anyone can lose weight on this diet? What do you think Professor?

The Professor: I'm sure this diet is as deadly as Dr. Phraan suggests. I would...

Ichan: Recommend it? Wow! Another great endorsement from the Professor. What else have you got Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: Ichan, let me give you a few more of my revolutionary diet ideas. You've heard of people who get their stomach stapled so that it will not hold as much food?

Ichan: Yes.

Dr. P. P.: Well, I have a diet plan called the "Mouth Staples Diet." Rather than staple the stomach, you have your mouth stapled. It really cuts down on the calories and helps even more with inane dinner time conversation.

Ichan: That's fascinating, Dr. Phraan. Keep going.

Dr. P. P.: Doctors for years have been preaching the dietary benefits of exercise. I believe this is true, but in order to make it work well you can't just get on the treadmill for a few minutes a day. What you need to do is have yourself strapped to the treadmill and only be allowed off for a few minutes to use the bathroom each day. In just seven days, we believe, you could lose as much as 100% of your weight. We call it the "100% Treadmill Diet." For example, look at this happy participant in our trials.

Ichan: Incredible! So if I start at 200 lbs and lose 100% of my weight, how much would I weigh, Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: I can't give you an exact figure off the top of my head, Ichan. My math skills are a little rusty, but it would be a significant amount, I would guess that for you it would be 30...maybe 40 lbs.

Ichan: I had no idea that 100% would add up to that much, Dr. Phraan. These diet plans are simple phenomenal, don't you think so Professor?

The Professor: I simply must protest, Ichan. These diets are so incredibly..."

Ichan: Incredible! That's what I said, Professor. You must have drifted off again. I think we have time for one more, Dr. What else have you got?

Dr. P. P.: This one, Ichan, is one of my best. No matter how much you weigh, you will lose it all on this diet. I call it the "Free Fall Diet." I'm not sure why scientists, who have known about this for years, have not tried to market it. Here is the gist of the diet. Take a standard bathroom scale and tie it to your feet. Then have someone push you off of a tall cliff. You will see that, before you were pushed off of the cliff, the scale showed your normal amount of weight. But once you are in the air, the scale will read zero weight. You've "Lost it All on the Free Fall." That's our catchy little jingle to go with the ad campaign we are planning. These pictures give you an idea of how thin and happy people are on this diet.

Ichan: I simply do not know what to say, Dr. Another home run. Wow! Audience what do you think?

[Loud clapping and cheering from the audience.]

Ichan: And what about you Professor. You can't top that, I'll bet.

The Professor: No, Ichan. I can't. But I do wonder what happens when you hit the ground.

Ichan: You are always such a nit-picker about the details, Professor. Well, that's all the time we have for today. So, thank you Dr. Phraan. We hope to get you back again sometime. And to you viewers listening in, remember that we do not specifically endorse any product or procedure, even when they sound as good as these diets by Dr. P. P. Phraan. Be sure to come back tomorrow for more of the "Yesterday" show here on the ISP Network.

My First Racoon!

As some of you may know, I have had my share of troubles with raccoons over the years. I mean there was the time one tore a hole in my roof and decided to have a family in our attic. Then there are the many, many years of lost grapes, peaches, tomatoes, corn, birdseed, etc. My yard is like an open buffet for the critters. Well, I have finally had it! A couple of weeks ago I stood looking out my bedroom window while one of them laughed at me as it downed handfuls of seed out of the bird feeder. So, I ordered a trap. Yes, I know you are going to think me cruel and inhumane to be catching those cute little fuzzy things. But to me they are "enemy no. 1."

After ordering the trap...which is an awesome looking device  (see below) that could probably even catch the odd child that still dares to cross through my backyard...yes, well, after ordering the trap, I went to the internet and watched several videos on how best to snag a raccoon. It seemed pretty straightforward. Put the bait in the trap and wait overnight. In the morning go out and you'll have your first raccoon.

 I was so excited to get up this morning and check the trap. From the kitchen window I could see that the trap was sprung, so there was a good chance I had one. Quickly putting on my shoes, I marched up to the row of trees along the back of the yard where I had put the trap. Sure enough, I had a raccoon! The only problem was that his coloring was a bit different than the pictures I had seen. I think it must have been part albino or something because it was a kind of light yellow color. But it sure hissed at me as I approached. After realizing that this was perhaps a rare type of raccoon, and not the one I had seen eating my bird seed, I released it back to the wild. I was lucky it did not scratch me to pieces as it took off. So, I'll go back and give it another try, but just so you can see that I am not lying to you about this, I have provided a picture of the vicious creature below.

Two of the Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Weight Loss Programs

[Note: Our presidential candidate for the 2016 elections, the Professor, has been asked today to lend his expertise on the ISP Network's prime-time show "Yesterday" hosted by TV and opinion magnate Ichan S. Plurg. The Professor believes this will be a defining moment in the campaign. We join the show as it begins.]

Ichan: Welcome dieters! Welcome everyone! You are in for a treat today. We have as our guests here on the ISP's flagship show the world famous–and that may be overstating it a bit–Dr. P. P. Phraan, M.D., D.D.S., J.D., Ph.D., M.S., B.S., J.V.C., Q.T., and many more, as well as the Professor, who I understand is running again for the presidency. What is this, Professor? Like the 300th time?

Professor: No, Ichan. I realize it may seem like...

Ichan: Well never mind. We are not really here today on the "Yesterday" show to talk about your failed attempts to win the nomination. No, today, we are here on "Yesterday" to meet Dr. P. P. Phraan and to discuss his new diet sensation book, The Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight. Dr. Phraan come on up!

[Cheers from the audience]

Ichan: As Dr. Phraan makes his way up to the stage, let me remind you audience members and also those of you listening and watching at home that on this show we provide only the facts, along with our own insightful commentary. And if you would like a transcript of today's "Yesterday" show you'll find it on our website in the member's only section. Join up now for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all of our shows, including the transcripts, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my childhood, miscellaneous worthless souvenirs, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular non-member price. Plus you will be able to order the free tickets (*tickets are free, shipping is a minimum of $30) to actually attend the show here in person. Well, enough about me...actually you can never get enough of me...but we must go on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Tank you. Eet ez my pleazure to be vit you here on "Yesterday."

Ichan: Dr. Phraan, just for the benefit of our audience, do the initials P. P. stand for anything?

Dr. Phraan: No. My parents tot eet would be better for my career to not have a given name.

Ichan: Wow! So, how could any parent name their child P. P.? That must have made for some interesting times on the playground.

Dr. Phraan: I don't know vat you mean, and besides I tot dat ve vere here to discuss my book.

Ichan: Yes we are, but just one more question first. Aren't you from Iowa?

Dr. Phraan: Yes, and your point ez vat?

Ichan: I've been to Iowa a few times and I've never met anyone who talks like you, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Only ze vell educated ones speak dis vay, and belief me der are not dat many of us in Iowa. I am, you see, unique, unlike theez other bozo you have sitting here on ze couch.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan. This other bozo is the Professor. He's running for president again and he will be helping me to evaluate the truthfulness of the claims in your book. I picked up a copy of the book yesterday for "Yesterday," but I haven't actually been able to get past the first couple of pages myself. That's where the Professor will come in with insightful comments on your diets.

Professor: Yes, Ichan. I would like to....

Ichan: Not now Professor, we'll be right back after this word from our ISP sponsor for today's program–Broadwire College, owned and operated by me.

[Break for commercial. Mr. Plurg flirts with a pretty woman on the front row while the Professor and Dr. P. P. Phraan glare at each other.]

Ichan: AND WE'RE BACK! So, Dr. Phraan let's begin by digging right into the meat of the book. Your twenty guaranteed ways to lose weight. I'm all ears! No, really I'm not. I know some people who are all ears or ear hair, like the Professor here, but that would not be me. Still, go ahead with the book.

Dr. Phraan: Tank you Mr. Splurg. Ze idea for ze book came to me one day vile I vas picking cherries as a boy. I vould eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and then eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and den...

Ichan: I think we get the idea, doctor. You were picking and eating. Go on.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, after a while, no matter how many cherries I ate, more of them...vell, you know vat I mean.

Ichan: No, I don't think I do, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, cherries, you see, pass through ze bowel very quickly. So I could not eat as many as passed on through and I vas losing veight. Dis vas ze discovery of ze first of my 20 guaranteed diets. I call dis ze "Cherry Gut Diet." And I promise eet vill vork. Ze diet consists of only eating healthy cherries for all three meals daily. Dey should be ze nice sweet ones, not those sour kinds.

Ichan: Do they need to be organic?

Dr. Phraan: Dat would be helpful because ze turkey manure dey use to spray ze organic trees vit may further stimulate ze bowel.

Ichan: Professor, any particular insights into this Cherry Gut Diet?

Professor: Well, I think it could be...

Ichan: Thanks, Professor. That's quite and endorsement for Diet #1, doctor. Let's move on to number two.

Dr. Phraan: Diet number two ez even better. I call et ze "Butcher's Diet" and eet ez perhaps ze most effective of any of ze diets. Losing veight ez simply a matter of choices. Some choices are easy, like eating cherries. Some are hard, like ze Butcher's Diet. Ze difference ez dat vit ze Butcher's Diet, you vill not have to vorry about gaining ze veight back. To implement ze diet, go down to your local butcher shop and ask zem to please cut off one of your arms or legs. Eet ez best to have ze appropriate medical staff on hand. Once the appendage is cut off, you vill have permanently lost a considerable amount of ze veight. It vill not easily return.

Ichan: It sounds somewhat dangerous–drastic even. Don't you think so Professor? Oh dear, the Professor has passed out. Someone get a glass of water over here to throw at him. No! I didn't mean to throw the glass, just the water. Ouch! That's going to make a nasty bruise.

[The Professor sits back up rubbing his left eye.]

Ichan: I am afraid doctor that we have cruised right through our time for today. I had hoped to get through the first five of your incredible diets, but the others will have to wait for next time. Audience please give a big hand to our fascinating guest, Dr. P. P. Phraan. Come back tomorrow for more "Yesterday" when we will cover more of Dr. Phraan's revolutionary diets. And don't forget to stop by our website at ISP.com for all of our great products and merchandise.

[Back at the Professor's campaign headquarters, the staff is cheering. The Professor made it through the entire show without one major political blunder.]

Why Have Scientists Not Warned Us About DHMO!

As part of my next Presidential election campaign, I have, as some of you are aware, been delving into the world of Alternative Medicine (AM). After all at least 40% of Americans use AM. I personally think it is much higher and am staking the next election on bringing the AM devotees into the fold. I'm even thinking of adopting the campaign slogan: "Vote for the Professor, he's a mighty snappy dresser, and he supports AM, when other candidates say it's a sham." The slogan is a bit long, but very catchy. We are working now with a popular musician to develop a jingle. I can't tell you who the musician is but his intitials are J.B. and I am told that this collaboration will be a win-win for both of us.

Well, enough about that. Tonight I am happy to report that I have here with me at The Professor's campaign headquarters one of the preeminent doctors of AM–Dr. B.Y. Acrock. Dr. Acrock was one of the first to point out the hazards of a common chemical, DHMO, used in almost all forms of conventional medical therapy.

Professor: Dr. Acrock can you tell us a bit more about the dangers of DHMO?

Dr. Acrock: Yes, professor. I'd be happy to. This chemical is one that is used in almost every medical procedure. I first started raising the warning flag back in 1989 after a report by three students (Eric Lechner, Lars Norpchen and Matthew Kaufman) at the University of California-Santa Cruz was distributed using fliers scattered around the campus and warning of this terrible chemical.

Professor: Can you give us some idea of the health problems associated with this chemical?

Dr. Acrock: Of course, professor. And this is just a small list of some of its terrible side effects, and here I quote from a respected journalist, Karl Kruszelnicki, who tried to raise the alarm about DHMO again in 2005. He wrote, "Consider the chemical DiHydrogen MonOxide, usually called DHMO. It's found in many different cancers, but there's no proven causal link between its presence and the cancers in which it lurks - so far. The figures are astonishing - DHMO has been found in over 95% of all fatal cervical cancers, and in over 85% of all cancers collected from terminal cancer patients. Despite this, it is still used as an industrial solvent and coolant, as a fire retardant and suppressant, in the manufacture of biological and chemical weapons, in nuclear power plants - and surprisingly, by elite athletes in some endurance sports. However, the athletes later find that withdrawal from DHMO can be difficult, and sometimes, fatal. Medically, it is almost always involved in diseases that have sweating, vomiting and diarrhoea as their symptoms."

Professor: This is astounding. What have the U.S. government, the president, the governors, the senate, the house been doing to stop the use of this malignant stuff?

Dr. Acrock: This is the absolutely incredible part of the story, professor. None of these have done anything. They seem to be turning their back on this crisis and we continue to find this chemical used almost everywhere. Lechner, one of the original discoverers of the problem, made a list of where it was being used and again this is just the tip of the iceberg. He indicated that our water system has been contaminated with this hazardous chemical. It is used as an industrial solvent and coolant, and in the production of styrofoam, pesticides, most poisons, and many other dangerous materials. It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants, contributes to the corrosion of our natural surroundings, can cause severe burns, contributes to global warming, and may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle 'Challenger.' It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. Large quantities of it have been found in our lakes, rivers, and oceans. No current form of purification can eliminate the threat even though our government claims to have spent billions of dollars in an attempt to control it. Most insidiously, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it every day through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many are storing large quantities for later use. The current administration has not dealt with the problem or with production, distribution, and use of this damaging chemical, most likely due to economic reasons and high-profile special interest groups.

Professor: Dr. Acrock, you and your associates in AM can rest assured that, if elected, I will make this problem a top priority. Now once again, for the record, what is this terrible chemical?

Dr. Acrock: It's called Dihydrogen Monoxide, or shortened to DHMO.

Professor: And what would be the chemical formula for this dangerous material? Would that be HHO or H2O?

Dr. Acrock: We prefer HHO, professor or, as I stated above DHMO. These designations seem to resonate more with the general public.

Professor: Well, thank you again, doctor. I certainly hope we can get you back here at campaign headquarters for another illuminating discussion on the dangers of the chemical industry and science in general.

Dr. Acrock: Any time, professor. I have some special cures I want to discuss with you that use natural spring water as the base. They are effective for a wide range of conditions and could save the country millions in health care costs.

Professor: Did you say they were water based?

I am afraid that Dr. Acrock did not get to answer my last question as he was rushing off to another engagement where he plans to continue to raise the DHMO alarm. He recommended that all of us peruse the DHMO Research website, which contains a considerable amount of additional information on this chemical hazard.

Health Crisis? Not on My Watch!

Here is another issue I promise to work on if elected as your president in 2016. Alternative Medicine. I think it's criminal the way the medical establishment has treated these promising and obviously better methods for solving the nation's health crisis. Why are we still using the stone age medical techniques promoted by doctors, when we can have modern medical treatment from people who have no training in medicine, no understanding of science, and no evidence that their therapies work at all?

What? Excuse me for a moment please...

I apologize for the brief delay, but some of my staff feel that I should strike that last sentence from the record. They think people might be offended by my honest statement of fact. But I know better. Why, the American people are searching for alternative therapies and they want to be sure that nobody who has any knowledge of medicine or science has anything to do with those therapies. Why else would they be using them in the first place? Just mention the word "doctor" or "science" in a group of regular Americans and you'll see what I mean.

There are some who are trying to make Alternative Medicine more sciencey (I'm not sure that sciencey is a word, but it sounds good, so I'm going to use it). The government, who can always be trusted, has a National Center for Complementary Medicine. Certain Senators felt that this sort of thing was necessary to provide equal time and money for these unscientific therapies. We wouldn't want them to feel that they were not loved, not valued. I believe this is a very good example of what government should do. In fact, we should increase our spending in this obviously valuable and unproven area.

Some people are truly getting on the bandwagon, so to speak, with Alternative Medicine. Take, for example, Everglades University.  Their advertisement for the Bachelor of Science degree in Alternative Medicine reads, "Nearly 40% of Americans use complementary and alternative healing methods in some capacity to improve general health. At Everglades University, our Bachelor of Science degree program in Alternative Medicine can help you break into this emerging industry and explore the exciting field of alternative medicine."

Imagine that! 40% of Americans are using Alternative Medicine. I think that's enough to swing the election my way and that is why I am getting on the A.M. bandwagon. I promise, if elected, to require all health care providers to use nothing but homeopathy, chiropractic, acupunture, herbal medicine, crystal therapy, Vitamin-O, ionized water, and any other unproven, non-scientific, non-evidence-based method that is available and get rid of all the old drugs and vaccines and fancy machines that you find in most doctor's offices. Think of the billions of dollars we will save the country by using these cheaper alternatives. And we can do away with health insurance, because I have been assured by the best A.M. practitioners that they can cure any health issue–not just ameliorate them, but cure them.

Homeopathy, for instance has cures for almost any condition and the best part is that these cures only require a bit of sugar and/or a few drops of water. That's all. No actual medicine is involved. None. It's natural, it's cheap, and it must be effective because millions of people world-wide rely on it.

I can see it now–I'll be the first president in U.S. history to provide free health care to every American and balance the budget at the same time. Why the other candidates have not jumped on this is beyond me. Tell your friends and get the word out. And please let them know that no actual doctors or scientists will be used or harmed in this national health-care experiment.

I Like Mike

You may think it is too early to begin planning for the 2016 presidential race, but those of us who are serious about the next campaign actually started planning for this race back in about 1972. However, the time has come to seriously get serious. We need a catchy campaign slogan. A good slogan like "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" or "Keep Cool and Keep Coolidge" can reap big rewards when it comes to election day. Voters may not remember anything else a politician says, but they do remember the slogan. Tippecanoe was magical for Harrison, and Keeping Cool was a hit for Coolidge. However, Alf Landon's 1938 slogan of "Let's make it a Landon-slide" turned out to be a landslide alright, but for Roosevelt, not Landon.

So here's the problem. The slogan we used in 2012 (Vote for Bart, He's Better Than the Other Guy) was obviously not well chosen. Somehow the slogan got manipulated by the opposition and posters were showing up all over the place with "A Vote for Bart is No Better than a F..." I won't even dignify the expression by completing it here. This is, after all, a family friendly web site.

Because of the issues in 2012, however, the campaign staff felt that it would be wise to test out a few slogans with you, the voters, before putting out a full-scale media blitz. So we would like your opinions on the following possible slogans.

Eisenhower's catchy slogans of "I like Ike" and "I still like Ike" won him two terms in the white house, and today, with the prevalence of social media where you can easily "Like" something, I suggested to the campaign staff that we should go with "I like Mike." Some of the staff pointed out that, first of all, my name isn't Mike, and second of all this slogan today might be perceived as an endorsement for gay rights. Still, the slogan does easily stick in the voters minds and I could be persuaded to change my name to Mike. Perhaps the slogan would still work if it was modified to "I like Mike, but only as a friend."

Another serious contender is a modification of Herbert Hoover's successful 1928 slogan, "A chicken in every pot." I thought this one was also very catchy, but would work better today if we tweaked it a bit like this: "Some Pot in every Chicken." I am convinced–and our early market surveys support me–that this slogan would appeal to a broad range of voters who are concerned with the modern food supply and the deplorable way that chickens are treated. The implication of course is that we, at the Federal level, would require that chickens be treated more humanely by adding a little marijuana to their diet. The chickens would be much happier and so would the consumers of chicken and chicken products.

Additional possibilities are:

• All the Way with PDDAAAGGBJK! A takeoff of Lyndon Johnson's successful slogan "All the Way with LBJ." I would hope it's obvious that PDDAAAGGBJK stands for Professor Doctor Dean and All Around Good Guy BJK, which is much more descriptive than Johnson's slogan.
• He's Just Nuts! A modification of Jimmy Carter's slogan, "Not Just Peanuts." Our point is that anyone who runs for president has to be crazy, so we should not try to hide that fact from the voting public.
• Naptime Again In America. Similar to Ronald Reagan's "Morning Again In America." This one would definitely appeal to senior citizens who are making up an ever increasing percentage of the voting public. And I think Reagan would approve. He believed in a good nap.
• No, We Can't! This, of course, is a modification of Pres. Obama's slogan "Yes, We Can" used in 2008. Our version of the slogan is, however, much more honest. Everyone knows that the Federal Government can't do anything, so why don't we just admit it up front.

These are just a few preliminary ideas. My campaign staff would love your input on any of these, or any other slogans you think would work better. And since my work with aloe based lubricants (you can read about this discovery here) has not taken off quite as quickly as I had hoped, we would also appreciate any contributions you would like to make to the campaign. Just leave them in unmarked envelopes on my porch, preferably without any miscellaneous white powder in the envelopes.

Professor Claims He Told the Truth

NEWS BULLETIN: Professor Denies Fabricating Story

For some reason, completely unknown to me, a few of my loyal readers questioned the truth of my story (you can read it here) about doing the splits at the Smith's store last week. This kind of reaction troubles me a great deal. As one who must keep his record untarnished in order to maintain the confidence of the voting public and the respectability of the political system, I felt I needed to respond to these unfounded accusations of dishonesty. I might have added a little color to the story to make it more palatable to the general public, but this is nothing more than what is commonly accepted among those involved in political life.

So, to provide the media and my loyal followers evidence for the incident, I have included the picture below. Please, due to the nature of the photo, do not allow young children or old men to view this. It may be just too graphic for them even though I will say that my legs have always been one of my better features. I appreciate the opportunity to clear up these rumors. Sincerely, The Professor.

Preparing for 2016: Another Run for the Whitehouse

Many of you who followed my presidential campaign a couple of years ago have probably wondered what the "Professor" does when he is not on the campaign trail. Well, I did not get the title of Professor because of my good looks–although, I will admit, that my good looks and sharp wit probably did not hurt when I stood before the doctoral exam committee. But I do still ply my trade and occasionally make one of those "Eureka" type of discoveries. Scientific discoveries are often a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and yesterday I was in just one of those spots.

Where, you ask, was this magical place of discovery? Why that is what is so amazing. It was in the local Smith's grocery store. I had just picked out the best cart from the pile near the store entrance and was heading past the small plant and flower shop that they have just inside the door when it happened. You see, someone had dropped a couple of aloe vera leaves on the floor along with a drizzle of water. Then there I came traipsing along with my cart looking straight ahead toward the fruit and vegetable section, trying to keep my eyes off of the cookies and candy that are so carefully placed near the entrance and exit of the store because, that is, of course, the last place anyone would look for these unhealthy products, and Smith's, like most other grocery stores, is concerned about your health.

But I diverge...there I was traipsing along with my cart when to my surprise...WHAMO...I found myself doing the splits on the floor. Now I can tell you that this was a bit of a shock to the old system because, to be frank, I have not attempted the splits since I was in Elementary School when Sue Brockingfort challenged me to a "splits contest." At that young age, I was not aware of the deep anatomical rift between boys and girls and thought that if she could do it, then so could I. I have to admit–and I know that my fans will be disappointed here–but I did not win the contest that day, nor did I ever try to do the splits again...that is until yesterday.

Fortunately, at the Smith's store, there were two nice young people standing nearby to witness the event. After they stopped laughing, they both came over and asked for my autograph. No actually, they did not, they just helped me to rediscover how to stand.

After that I visited briefly with the store manager and tried to explain to him about my past attempts at doing the splits with Sue Brockingham, and after I told him that story all he seemed interested in was Sue. "Sue, Sue, Sue," he kept saying. "You're going to Sue?" He was a little out of his mind, I suppose, but I tried to keep assuring him that I had no intention of going to see Sue. She was past history and I had no desire to open up old wounds.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is that I made the incredible discovery that if you mix the jelly-like stuff from the aloe leaves with a little water it makes a terrific lubricant. My preliminary tests, which as you have heard I conducted myself, show that this substance is more slippery than ice or oil or almost any known material. And as soon as I can walk again, I plan to invest in an aloe farm and start marketing this stuff under the name of "Slippery Goo." I should be able to make enough off of this to fund my entire next presidential race. So, don't worry my loyal followers and friends, I will not be coming to you this next time in need of campaign donations.

My Uncle Richard's Secret Life

The word is getting out lately that I am the man to call when you are in need of financial help. Why recently I've had emails from new friends all over the world who do not seem to be able to solve their financial problems without me. For some reason most of these new friends seem to live in Africa in places like Zimbabwe, Nigeria, Angola, or even in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso, that great African center of banking and investment.

But it is not just from Africa that I am getting the opportunity to share my financial prowess with new friends. For example, a couple of months ago, I received this letter (see below) in the mail, with a real Forever U.S. stamp on it and postmarked Oakland, CA, from a very kind man named Hiroyoshi Ohashi, who was in desperate need of my help.

I was shocked, of course, to see that my Uncle Richard, who is over 80 years old and lives a couple of miles away from me, had traveled to Japan to invest his hard-earned money ($8.5 million is not just pocket change, you know) and while there he had met an untimely end on a fishing trip outside of Osaka. I was a bit puzzled about the $8.5 million because my Uncle Richard had always lived such a modest lifestyle, and the fishing part was also puzzling since I was unaware that Uncle Richard ever went fishing. But then I don't see my Uncle that often, so perhaps like Walter Mitty, he had somewhat of a secret life.

Notwithstanding this secret life, his death was still very upsetting. However, his death, I am afraid to say, was not the most shocking part. The thing that upset me the most in this whole affair was that another man, who looks exactly like my Uncle Richard and appears to be about his same age, is now living with my Aunt Nancy in their home. I know this for a fact, because I and other family members have visited them. I can come to no other conclusion than that he is another man because my new friend Hiroyoshi is certain my Uncle Richard died in Japan in 2011. Even my Uncle's own children (Karl and Kendra) don't seem to realize that an imposter is now representing himself as their father. I have been struggling with how best to break the news to them. My friend Hiroyoshi suggested that it would be best to wait until I get my half of the unclaimed $8.5 million. It didn't seem to bother Hiroyoshi that Richard had children who might have a better claim to the fortune than I do. I could share part of it with them if I wanted, he said.

Well, I just wanted to get all of this off of my chest before I headed down to the bank to wire Hiroyoshi the $100,000 he needs to clear the financial hurdles of securing Uncle Richard's fortune and sending my half on to me. I will need to withdraw this money from my retirement account, which you might think is a bit of a risk, but I am more than happy to help out since he seems like such a nice man and he guarantees me that there is no risk and no wrong-doing on my part.

You can read more about these types of scams on the following web sites:

• African Financial Scams
• Nigerian Money Transfer Scams
• African Dating Scams
• Inheritance Scams
• Another site for Inheritance Scams
• Grandparent Scams

To DNA or not to DNA, that is the question...

 

DNA testing has become widespread in our society today. DNA is collected and analyzed by police and security forces around the world, newborn infants are routinely screened for a number of genetic conditions, lawyers make use of DNA in paternity suits, and genealogists are using it to solve family inheritance problems as well as to peer into their deep genetic roots. But questions, fears, and misconceptions arise in many people when they contemplate having their own DNA tested. What are the issues? Why are some people afraid to have a test? Here are some possibilities that have crossed my mind:

1. You are a crook or have committed some type of crime and don't really want anyone linking you to a crime scene. This is a valid concern and if you fit into this category, I would recommend you avoid getting a DNA test.

2. You plan to become a crook or felon in the near future. Again, a valid concern (see #1 above).

3. You are afraid that Johnny and Mary will find out that you are not really their biological father (or biological mother). This is also a legitimate concern and, again, if you fit into this category, I would recommend against getting a DNA test. Johnny and Mary, however, may be interested in the results of such a test.

4. You would really prefer not to know if you predisposed to get colon cancer or Alzheimer's disease. For many people life is much more pleasant if they have no idea what the future might hold. If you are one of these, then you probably do not want to get a DNA test, at least not one that reports back on your health tendencies. However, knowing that you might be susceptible could help you get early therapy and prevent these types of things from ever becoming a problem.

5. You have no interest in who you might be related to, and in fact, no interest in humanity in general. Yes, I agree, if this is your category, then DNA testing is not for you.

6. You are afraid that you might have more than your share of Neanderthal DNA. See my earlier post (Yes, I am a Caveman) on this issue if you fall into this category.

7. You are afraid that you will lose your health insurance if your DNA shows you have a predisposition toward certain diseases and conditions. This was a legitimate concern, but President Obama and the U.S. Congress have fixed things. Now, the more preexisting conditions you have the easier it is for you to get insurance. It's those of us who are healthy most of the time that have to worry.

8. You are afraid that your identity will be more easily stolen. This is, of course, just the opposite of the truth. Your DNA is completely unique to you and cannot be stolen by anyone else. Someone can easily duplicate your ID cards, they can get a hold of your bank accounts, they can even have plastic surgery to make themselves look just like you, but they cannot steal your DNA.

For more information of DNA testing, here are a couple of good articles:

• Genetic Literacy Project
• Should We Fear DNA Testing?
• How DNA evidence works
• It's right for me, but is it right for you? Blog on DNA Testing

 Come back soon for my take on the DNA tests and services offered by the three main companies that do it for genealogical purposes: FamilyTree DNA, 23andMe, and AncestryDNA.

Yes, I'm a Caveman!

The truth will come out sooner or later, so I may as well come clean now. I just received results from my latest DNA test performed by the company 23andMe and the good news is that I am 96.8% human. I know that some of you, particularly my close acquaintances and family members, think that percentage is a bit too high. You would have predicted that my human percentage might be closer to 15%, but no, it's 96.8%.

The bad news is that the other 3.2% is not human, at least not in the sense of the modern human as we know them today. The other 3.2% is Neanderthal. Now it's bad enough that I'm 3.2% Neanderthal, but that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that at 3.2% I am in the 99th percentile of all the people that have been tested. What that means is out of every 100 people tested, 99 of them have less Neanderthal DNA than I do! That's right...just go ahead and start making jokes. Why my brother-in-law Steve was making them last Sunday even before I got the test back. Now I am going to have to admit that he was right.

You can see in this graphic from 23andMe that they have perfectly described me: heavy eyebrow ridges, long, low but bigger skull, prominent nose, and scant clothing. Here is a recent picture:

But, perhaps it won't be so bad. I can perhaps get some work in commercials. I understand that Geico, Inc. is looking for a new caveman, one with a bit more of the real caveman look.

Do you give extra credit?

College students are very interesting creatures. I know this for a fact, having been one myself several years ago. Students have a very sharp intellect and do very well on standard intelligence tests, but they seem to lack the genetic code for reading and understanding a syllabus, and at times it appears that their hearing has been severely damaged. By saying this, I don't mean to offend those college students out there who may have stumbled upon this blog. I really, really do like you, but I can't ignore the facts.

As an example of what I am trying to say, let me share with you the short version of a recent course I taught. Here we are on the first day of class:
Professor (me) after discussing class procedures and policies: Now, if at any time during the semester you have questions about the course, about your grade, or about how you can do better in class, please look back over your course syllabus or stop by my office. I would love to have the chance to visit with you and help you to do better in the course. Are there any questions?"

Student #1: Do you give any extra credit assignments?

Professor: No, there will be no extra credit and I have included a statement about that in your syllabus. However, I will allow you to make up missed assignments if you contact me on or before the day the assignment is due. Other questions?

Student #2: Professor, will you allow us to make up assignments? And will there be any extra credit?

...and so the semester begins. Several weeks pass and no students show up to see me. I notice that some have not been turning in their assignments. After the first exam I plead again with the students read the grading policy in the syllabus and to come and see me, particularly if they have not been doing well. I also remind them of the make-up policy for missed assignments. The second exam comes and goes. This time one student stops by my office. She received a 99% on the exam and is just wondering if there is some extra credit she can do to bring it up to an even 100%.

The semester is almost gone. As we reach the last week of class, I am thrilled to receive an email from a student wanting to talk about the final exam and how he is doing in the class. At the appointed time, the student knocks on my office door.

Student: Hello. I'm looking for Professor Kowallis, can you tell me where I can find him?

Professor: I'm Professor Kowallis. It's been me the whole semester.

Student: Oh, sorry. I wasn't able to get to class as often as I wanted.

Professor: Apparently not. How can I help you?

Student: Well, I haven't done so well on my tests and assignments and I really, really need to pass this class. You see, I'm supposed to graduate this semester and I have a job lined up and I just got married and my dog died last week...oh, and did I mention that I just really need to pass this class.

Professor: Yes, I believe you did mention that. So, let's look at your grade so far. Hmm..I see that you turned in just one of the twenty assignments that were due...and you failed the first exam. Oh, and this is interesting, you appear not to have taken exams 2 and 3. I can see why you're concerned.

Student: Yeah, it was a tough semester. I missed a couple of weeks of class because of a family vacation, and, you know, families are forever. I'm sure you understand that. And then with intramurals and planning for a wedding, I just didn't have much extra time.

Professor: I see. So, what exactly can I do for you today?

Student: Well, I was thinking...and I asked my wife and Bishop about this as well...that we could all get out of this whole mess with a little extra credit. Here...I wrote this report up for you.

Professor: Are you aware that we have a class policy that no extra credit will be given?

Student: No! You're kidding, aren't you?

Professor: No, I rarely get into a kidding mood when it comes to extra credit. But you see it's right here on page 2 of your course syllabus.

Student: Oh...I lost the syllabus the first week of class. So, I guess this means you won't be giving me any extra credit for my report?

Professor: I'm afraid not. But I do have one question. I am a little bit curious about why you thought that a report on the Lord of the Rings trilogy would get extra credit in a class on physical science.

Student: Well, that's pretty obvious, isn't it? There's all that geology stuff. You know, information about mountains and rivers and the Mines of Moria. And when Mt. Doom explodes...why that's got to be one of the best descriptions of volcanic activity anywhere. And there's chemistry too. In fact, there are some things that I couldn't find any mention of in our text book...like mithril, for example. How could they have forgotten to include that in the periodic table? And physics...why physics is everywhere...floating Boromir's body down the river, chasing orcs across Rohan, sailing ships up the Anduin...it's all motion and gravity and buoyancy and forces.

If my resolve against extra credit had not been so firm, I might have given in. Not many students could pull so much physical science out of Middle Earth.

Beclasp Me!

I suppose that many of you, like myself, find time during the busy hours of the day or evening for a little relaxation. I know (because my family has told me many times) that I am a bit odd in my relaxation habits. I relax by working on family history and genealogy rather than watching TV or playing games. I will admit that I do like to solve the daily Sudoku and Cryptoquip in the paper as well. But I draw the line when it comes to Scrabble.

Old fashioned Scrabble sitting around the table was bad enough, but now you can play it on your phone with friends and have dozens of games going at the same time. The problem I have with Scrabble is that is does not test your skill at anything useful. Instead, it tests you on how many obscure words–words that no one in their right mind will ever use–you can look up. Because if you are playing online or on your phone, no one really knows the words they use, they just look them up.

And now the newspaper Scrabble guy seems to have decided to follow the same path. In the newspaper they give you four seven-letter words to unscramble. Your task is to at least make the "par" score, or if you are really good, equal the "best" score of someone who has already unscrambled the words. It used to be that the four words that were scrambled were usually fairly common words. But lately, the words have gotten more and more obscure, just like with online Scrabble players.

For example, last week when I had already completed the Sudoku, the Cryptoquip, and the crossword puzzles, I gave in and thought I would just try the newspaper Scrabble challenge. I mowed down the first three words, which were at least ones I had heard used in conversation. They were: pompous, daybook, and cousin. Daybook is pretty marginal, but I still got it. Cousin, the third word did not appear to have a 7 letter solution, but that was okay because I could still get the "best" score with a strong finish on the last word.

But the fourth word I could not solve. The letters were AEPLSBC. I knew I needed to use all 7 letters to reach the "best score" and no word I could think of would fit. I thought that maybe there was a misprint in the paper and the B should have been a second L because then I could make the word "scalpel." I finally gave up and settled for a shorter word that only gave me enough points to get into the "par" score category.

But since the answer was just on the other page of the paper, I turned it over to see the solution. The word was "beclasp." Really? Beclasp? My spell checker didn't recognize it. I looked it up. It wasn't in my regular dictionary, so I got out the big Random House dictionary. And there it was–beclasp. A transitive verb meaning to clasp all around or on all sides. If it hadn't been in there, I would have thought that the newspaper guy was doing what all other Scrabble players do when they can't think of a word, they just make it up!

Beclasp is a word I have never used and never plan to use in any possible conversation. I mean when could you possibly use beclasp and sound like a normal person? Greeting an old friend? "Oh hello, Henry. Congratulations on the new baby. Let me beclasp your hand." Or perhaps getting home from work. "Hi, Honey! I really need you to beclasp me right now. It was a hard day at the office."

The problem is that to a die-hard Scrabble player "beclasp" is a perfectly good word even though playing Scrabble is the only place it will ever be used. It's as if Scrabble players have banded together to single-handedly save all the obscure words in the English language rather than let them die a normal, honorable death. Well, I will not be joining them. I hope that in the next version of the large Random House dictionary that beclasp will be omitted, or at least marked as archaic usage. It's only a faint hope, however, because there will probably never be another large, printed edition of the Random House dictionary. Everything is online. Just thinking about it makes me a little sad. I think I'll go beclasp that ancient tome right now.