All in the Line of Duty

As some of you may know, I have been recently a guest on the ISP Network's popular show Yesterday! You can read the transcripts of those shows here (First Appearance) and here (Second Appearance). I was there, not only to promote my candidacy for the 2016 Presidential Election, but to lend my expert advice to the show's host, Mr. Ichan S. Plurg who was interviewing Dr. P. P. Phraan. Dr. Phraan claimed that he had discovered several guaranteed ways to lose weight. Well, as a scientist I took exception to some of his claims and he, in turn, challenged me to try them. So, as your future leader, and as a scientist, I took the challenge and agreed to try whichever diet Dr. Phraan selected, assuring him that none of them would work to any great effect.

Well, it was perhaps a mistake to agree to let him pick the diet. He chose the "Butcher's Diet", which for those of you who missed it on the Yesterday show is Dr. Phraan's diet where he recommends that you cut off part of your body to lose weight. He suggested I might want to try having my head removed, but that, to me, seemed a bit drastic. But not wanting to lose face with my loyal followers and fans, I moved forward and selected a part of my body that seemed to be the least necessary and, more importantly, the least painful to remover. It was a lump that had been growing on my side for some time. When this lump first appeared, I had hoped that it might develop into an extra limb or at least an alien baby, but for several years now it has just seem to languish as a lump.

The first step in this "Butcher's Diet" of Dr. Phraan is to visit your local butcher...er, I mean surgeon. I got a recommendation of who to go to from my housekeeper (I assure you she is not here in America illegally, at least I don't think so). She claimed this doctor had never seen lost anyone yet, and of course that interested me right away because I was hoping to not lose anything so that I could prove that Dr. Phraan was a phraud...I mean, fraud.

The doctor's office was clean, not too much moaning could be heard from the back rooms, and he had that flying house moving playing on a big screen TV, you know that one I'm talking about with the old man and the boy scout and the dog and the big bird and the balloons. Anyway, my turn eventually came up to see the doctor. He took a look at my lump and in less time than it took me to climb the stairs to his office determined that he could remove it in 10 minutes–maybe 15 minutes tops. It would be easy in-the-office surgery with only local anesthetic.

I liked the sound of that except for the part about the local anesthetic. I am not a big fan of pain and prefer not to be awake when I am being cut up. Nonetheless, I returned a few days later and laid myself out on his operating table expecting to be home in time for my mid-afternoon snack. I had, of course, weighed myself carefully before the procedure and was planning to weigh afterwards to see how much, if any, weight I had lost.

The operation began cordially with me making small talk and the doctor, working alone, preferring to remain silent. I began to worry a bit when, as he approached to give me the anesthetic, he said, and I quote, "You're going to feel a little pressure." I thought, of course, that he was making a joke referring to Brian Regan's skit on going to the doctor, but he was deadly serious. About forty minutes into my 10 minute operation, the doctor called for backup. The removal of my lump consisted of the doctor cutting and pulling and cutting and pulling and squeezing and pulling and me screaming that I needed a bit more anesthetic and more cutting and pulling and then after about an hour he sewed me back up having removed the lump along with about three quarts of blood. He had to get his PA to dig my fingers out of his operating table. I have included a photo of the aftermath for those of you who may not believe what I am telling you. Please keep women and young children away from the viewing screen–this will be fairly graphic.

The downside of all this is that I did indeed lose a little weight, about half-a-pound, and so I could not gloat and proclaim Dr. Phraan a fraud, even though he still is a fraud and I will continue to try to prove it.

The good thing is, however, that I proved to all of the voters that I am a man who keeps his word. I made a promise and I kept it. I also learned that there are some promises you should not make and that sometimes when you need a surgeon, it might be better to go to the butcher. I am confident that the butcher could have had that lump out in 10 minutes or less.


You can read more about my 2016 Presidential Campaign in these earlier blogs:

• Preparing another run for the Whitehouse
• Professor Claims He Told the Truth
• I Like Mike
• Health Care Crisis
• The Truth about DHMO

Why Have Scientists Not Warned Us About DHMO!

As part of my next Presidential election campaign, I have, as some of you are aware, been delving into the world of Alternative Medicine (AM). After all at least 40% of Americans use AM. I personally think it is much higher and am staking the next election on bringing the AM devotees into the fold. I'm even thinking of adopting the campaign slogan: "Vote for the Professor, he's a mighty snappy dresser, and he supports AM, when other candidates say it's a sham." The slogan is a bit long, but very catchy. We are working now with a popular musician to develop a jingle. I can't tell you who the musician is but his intitials are J.B. and I am told that this collaboration will be a win-win for both of us.

Well, enough about that. Tonight I am happy to report that I have here with me at The Professor's campaign headquarters one of the preeminent doctors of AM–Dr. B.Y. Acrock. Dr. Acrock was one of the first to point out the hazards of a common chemical, DHMO, used in almost all forms of conventional medical therapy.

Professor: Dr. Acrock can you tell us a bit more about the dangers of DHMO?

Dr. Acrock: Yes, professor. I'd be happy to. This chemical is one that is used in almost every medical procedure. I first started raising the warning flag back in 1989 after a report by three students (Eric Lechner, Lars Norpchen and Matthew Kaufman) at the University of California-Santa Cruz was distributed using fliers scattered around the campus and warning of this terrible chemical.

Professor: Can you give us some idea of the health problems associated with this chemical?

Dr. Acrock: Of course, professor. And this is just a small list of some of its terrible side effects, and here I quote from a respected journalist, Karl Kruszelnicki, who tried to raise the alarm about DHMO again in 2005. He wrote, "Consider the chemical DiHydrogen MonOxide, usually called DHMO. It's found in many different cancers, but there's no proven causal link between its presence and the cancers in which it lurks - so far. The figures are astonishing - DHMO has been found in over 95% of all fatal cervical cancers, and in over 85% of all cancers collected from terminal cancer patients. Despite this, it is still used as an industrial solvent and coolant, as a fire retardant and suppressant, in the manufacture of biological and chemical weapons, in nuclear power plants - and surprisingly, by elite athletes in some endurance sports. However, the athletes later find that withdrawal from DHMO can be difficult, and sometimes, fatal. Medically, it is almost always involved in diseases that have sweating, vomiting and diarrhoea as their symptoms."

Professor: This is astounding. What have the U.S. government, the president, the governors, the senate, the house been doing to stop the use of this malignant stuff?

Dr. Acrock: This is the absolutely incredible part of the story, professor. None of these have done anything. They seem to be turning their back on this crisis and we continue to find this chemical used almost everywhere. Lechner, one of the original discoverers of the problem, made a list of where it was being used and again this is just the tip of the iceberg. He indicated that our water system has been contaminated with this hazardous chemical. It is used as an industrial solvent and coolant, and in the production of styrofoam, pesticides, most poisons, and many other dangerous materials. It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants, contributes to the corrosion of our natural surroundings, can cause severe burns, contributes to global warming, and may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle 'Challenger.' It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. Large quantities of it have been found in our lakes, rivers, and oceans. No current form of purification can eliminate the threat even though our government claims to have spent billions of dollars in an attempt to control it. Most insidiously, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it every day through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many are storing large quantities for later use. The current administration has not dealt with the problem or with production, distribution, and use of this damaging chemical, most likely due to economic reasons and high-profile special interest groups.

Professor: Dr. Acrock, you and your associates in AM can rest assured that, if elected, I will make this problem a top priority. Now once again, for the record, what is this terrible chemical?

Dr. Acrock: It's called Dihydrogen Monoxide, or shortened to DHMO.

Professor: And what would be the chemical formula for this dangerous material? Would that be HHO or H2O?

Dr. Acrock: We prefer HHO, professor or, as I stated above DHMO. These designations seem to resonate more with the general public.

Professor: Well, thank you again, doctor. I certainly hope we can get you back here at campaign headquarters for another illuminating discussion on the dangers of the chemical industry and science in general.

Dr. Acrock: Any time, professor. I have some special cures I want to discuss with you that use natural spring water as the base. They are effective for a wide range of conditions and could save the country millions in health care costs.

Professor: Did you say they were water based?

I am afraid that Dr. Acrock did not get to answer my last question as he was rushing off to another engagement where he plans to continue to raise the DHMO alarm. He recommended that all of us peruse the DHMO Research website, which contains a considerable amount of additional information on this chemical hazard.

Health Crisis? Not on My Watch!

Here is another issue I promise to work on if elected as your president in 2016. Alternative Medicine. I think it's criminal the way the medical establishment has treated these promising and obviously better methods for solving the nation's health crisis. Why are we still using the stone age medical techniques promoted by doctors, when we can have modern medical treatment from people who have no training in medicine, no understanding of science, and no evidence that their therapies work at all?

What? Excuse me for a moment please...

I apologize for the brief delay, but some of my staff feel that I should strike that last sentence from the record. They think people might be offended by my honest statement of fact. But I know better. Why, the American people are searching for alternative therapies and they want to be sure that nobody who has any knowledge of medicine or science has anything to do with those therapies. Why else would they be using them in the first place? Just mention the word "doctor" or "science" in a group of regular Americans and you'll see what I mean.

There are some who are trying to make Alternative Medicine more sciencey (I'm not sure that sciencey is a word, but it sounds good, so I'm going to use it). The government, who can always be trusted, has a National Center for Complementary Medicine. Certain Senators felt that this sort of thing was necessary to provide equal time and money for these unscientific therapies. We wouldn't want them to feel that they were not loved, not valued. I believe this is a very good example of what government should do. In fact, we should increase our spending in this obviously valuable and unproven area.

Some people are truly getting on the bandwagon, so to speak, with Alternative Medicine. Take, for example, Everglades University.  Their advertisement for the Bachelor of Science degree in Alternative Medicine reads, "Nearly 40% of Americans use complementary and alternative healing methods in some capacity to improve general health. At Everglades University, our Bachelor of Science degree program in Alternative Medicine can help you break into this emerging industry and explore the exciting field of alternative medicine."

Imagine that! 40% of Americans are using Alternative Medicine. I think that's enough to swing the election my way and that is why I am getting on the A.M. bandwagon. I promise, if elected, to require all health care providers to use nothing but homeopathy, chiropractic, acupunture, herbal medicine, crystal therapy, Vitamin-O, ionized water, and any other unproven, non-scientific, non-evidence-based method that is available and get rid of all the old drugs and vaccines and fancy machines that you find in most doctor's offices. Think of the billions of dollars we will save the country by using these cheaper alternatives. And we can do away with health insurance, because I have been assured by the best A.M. practitioners that they can cure any health issue–not just ameliorate them, but cure them.

Homeopathy, for instance has cures for almost any condition and the best part is that these cures only require a bit of sugar and/or a few drops of water. That's all. No actual medicine is involved. None. It's natural, it's cheap, and it must be effective because millions of people world-wide rely on it.

I can see it now–I'll be the first president in U.S. history to provide free health care to every American and balance the budget at the same time. Why the other candidates have not jumped on this is beyond me. Tell your friends and get the word out. And please let them know that no actual doctors or scientists will be used or harmed in this national health-care experiment.