All in the Line of Duty

As some of you may know, I have been recently a guest on the ISP Network's popular show Yesterday! You can read the transcripts of those shows here (First Appearance) and here (Second Appearance). I was there, not only to promote my candidacy for the 2016 Presidential Election, but to lend my expert advice to the show's host, Mr. Ichan S. Plurg who was interviewing Dr. P. P. Phraan. Dr. Phraan claimed that he had discovered several guaranteed ways to lose weight. Well, as a scientist I took exception to some of his claims and he, in turn, challenged me to try them. So, as your future leader, and as a scientist, I took the challenge and agreed to try whichever diet Dr. Phraan selected, assuring him that none of them would work to any great effect.

Well, it was perhaps a mistake to agree to let him pick the diet. He chose the "Butcher's Diet", which for those of you who missed it on the Yesterday show is Dr. Phraan's diet where he recommends that you cut off part of your body to lose weight. He suggested I might want to try having my head removed, but that, to me, seemed a bit drastic. But not wanting to lose face with my loyal followers and fans, I moved forward and selected a part of my body that seemed to be the least necessary and, more importantly, the least painful to remover. It was a lump that had been growing on my side for some time. When this lump first appeared, I had hoped that it might develop into an extra limb or at least an alien baby, but for several years now it has just seem to languish as a lump.

The first step in this "Butcher's Diet" of Dr. Phraan is to visit your local butcher...er, I mean surgeon. I got a recommendation of who to go to from my housekeeper (I assure you she is not here in America illegally, at least I don't think so). She claimed this doctor had never seen lost anyone yet, and of course that interested me right away because I was hoping to not lose anything so that I could prove that Dr. Phraan was a phraud...I mean, fraud.

The doctor's office was clean, not too much moaning could be heard from the back rooms, and he had that flying house moving playing on a big screen TV, you know that one I'm talking about with the old man and the boy scout and the dog and the big bird and the balloons. Anyway, my turn eventually came up to see the doctor. He took a look at my lump and in less time than it took me to climb the stairs to his office determined that he could remove it in 10 minutes–maybe 15 minutes tops. It would be easy in-the-office surgery with only local anesthetic.

I liked the sound of that except for the part about the local anesthetic. I am not a big fan of pain and prefer not to be awake when I am being cut up. Nonetheless, I returned a few days later and laid myself out on his operating table expecting to be home in time for my mid-afternoon snack. I had, of course, weighed myself carefully before the procedure and was planning to weigh afterwards to see how much, if any, weight I had lost.

The operation began cordially with me making small talk and the doctor, working alone, preferring to remain silent. I began to worry a bit when, as he approached to give me the anesthetic, he said, and I quote, "You're going to feel a little pressure." I thought, of course, that he was making a joke referring to Brian Regan's skit on going to the doctor, but he was deadly serious. About forty minutes into my 10 minute operation, the doctor called for backup. The removal of my lump consisted of the doctor cutting and pulling and cutting and pulling and squeezing and pulling and me screaming that I needed a bit more anesthetic and more cutting and pulling and then after about an hour he sewed me back up having removed the lump along with about three quarts of blood. He had to get his PA to dig my fingers out of his operating table. I have included a photo of the aftermath for those of you who may not believe what I am telling you. Please keep women and young children away from the viewing screen–this will be fairly graphic.

The downside of all this is that I did indeed lose a little weight, about half-a-pound, and so I could not gloat and proclaim Dr. Phraan a fraud, even though he still is a fraud and I will continue to try to prove it.

The good thing is, however, that I proved to all of the voters that I am a man who keeps his word. I made a promise and I kept it. I also learned that there are some promises you should not make and that sometimes when you need a surgeon, it might be better to go to the butcher. I am confident that the butcher could have had that lump out in 10 minutes or less.


You can read more about my 2016 Presidential Campaign in these earlier blogs:

• Preparing another run for the Whitehouse
• Professor Claims He Told the Truth
• I Like Mike
• Health Care Crisis
• The Truth about DHMO

More Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight

 
[Note: We return to the ISP Network for another episode of the "Yesterday" show hosted by Ichan S. Plurg, with his guests Dr. P. P. Phraan, the noted diet specialist, as well as 2016 presidential candidate, The Professor. For those of you who may have accidentally missed the first appearance of Dr. Phraan on the "Yesterday" show, we refer you to the transcript, which can be found at this LINK.]

Ichan: Welcome back viewers to the highest rated TV show in which I appear as the host. The latest Neilsen Ratings show that our viewership has now increased well into the double digits. Dozens of you are watching us every day. Remember to sign up now for our monthly newsletter for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all the inside information that we deliberately don't use on our shows, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my wife and kids, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular price. And don't forget you'll also be eligible for our drawing for free tickets to actually attend the show here in person. That's right the tickets are free! You will have to pay a small shipping fee. Now let's get on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome back.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Thank you Ichan. It is my pleasure to be with you. But did you have to invite bozo here to come back as well.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan, that is not very charitable of you. The Professor, as you know, is running for president again, and we thought it would be good for our viewers to see exactly why they don't want to vote for him. Besides, he is here to provide color commentary about your diet plans.

Dr. P. P.: I see. You could not find anyone else, I take it.

Ichan: Perhaps. Say...didn't you have some funny accent last time you appeared on the show?

Dr. P. P.: I might have.

Ichan: No problem, I think we've all tried out a few things like that. I once wore a non-designer shirt. It was just for a moment, mind you, and I didn't really get it all the way on. But yes we all have our little secrets. Why I believe that the Professor once stuck two dozen chewed pieces of bubble gum up his nose. Isn't that right Professor?

The Professor: No, Ichan, it was only one dozen and it was part of a very serious scientific experiment. And I believe that we got all but a couple pieces out completely.

Ichan: I don't know why we need to look any further for a good presidential candidate. I don't think any of the others can top that story. Maybe if Bill Clinton ran again he could come up with something, but he's already used up his two terms. But we are not really here to talk politics. We're here to find out more about the amazing guaranteed diet plans of Dr. Phraan. Last time he shared with us his revolutionary Cherry Gut and Butcher's diet plans––both guaranteed to cause weight loss or your money back. What else have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Phraan. Let's have some more of your incredible wisdom on dieting.

Dr. P. P.: Well, Ichan, you may have heard Doctor's and dieticians for years suggest that the best way to lose weight is to eat less––to take in fewer calories than you use. This we might call the "Standard Diet." The only problem with the Standard Diet is that it's boring. So, I have come up with what I call the "Amazingly Improved Standard Diet." It's really quite simple. You eat nothing. In just one month on this diet you can lose an incredible amount of weight. We are not sure just exactly how much a person might lose in a month, because we have not had any of our subjects on this diet survive that long, but the preliminary results are absolutely encouraging.

Ichan: So, you're saying that anyone can lose weight on this diet? What do you think Professor?

The Professor: I'm sure this diet is as deadly as Dr. Phraan suggests. I would...

Ichan: Recommend it? Wow! Another great endorsement from the Professor. What else have you got Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: Ichan, let me give you a few more of my revolutionary diet ideas. You've heard of people who get their stomach stapled so that it will not hold as much food?

Ichan: Yes.

Dr. P. P.: Well, I have a diet plan called the "Mouth Staples Diet." Rather than staple the stomach, you have your mouth stapled. It really cuts down on the calories and helps even more with inane dinner time conversation.

Ichan: That's fascinating, Dr. Phraan. Keep going.

Dr. P. P.: Doctors for years have been preaching the dietary benefits of exercise. I believe this is true, but in order to make it work well you can't just get on the treadmill for a few minutes a day. What you need to do is have yourself strapped to the treadmill and only be allowed off for a few minutes to use the bathroom each day. In just seven days, we believe, you could lose as much as 100% of your weight. We call it the "100% Treadmill Diet." For example, look at this happy participant in our trials.

Ichan: Incredible! So if I start at 200 lbs and lose 100% of my weight, how much would I weigh, Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: I can't give you an exact figure off the top of my head, Ichan. My math skills are a little rusty, but it would be a significant amount, I would guess that for you it would be 30...maybe 40 lbs.

Ichan: I had no idea that 100% would add up to that much, Dr. Phraan. These diet plans are simple phenomenal, don't you think so Professor?

The Professor: I simply must protest, Ichan. These diets are so incredibly..."

Ichan: Incredible! That's what I said, Professor. You must have drifted off again. I think we have time for one more, Dr. What else have you got?

Dr. P. P.: This one, Ichan, is one of my best. No matter how much you weigh, you will lose it all on this diet. I call it the "Free Fall Diet." I'm not sure why scientists, who have known about this for years, have not tried to market it. Here is the gist of the diet. Take a standard bathroom scale and tie it to your feet. Then have someone push you off of a tall cliff. You will see that, before you were pushed off of the cliff, the scale showed your normal amount of weight. But once you are in the air, the scale will read zero weight. You've "Lost it All on the Free Fall." That's our catchy little jingle to go with the ad campaign we are planning. These pictures give you an idea of how thin and happy people are on this diet.

Ichan: I simply do not know what to say, Dr. Another home run. Wow! Audience what do you think?

[Loud clapping and cheering from the audience.]

Ichan: And what about you Professor. You can't top that, I'll bet.

The Professor: No, Ichan. I can't. But I do wonder what happens when you hit the ground.

Ichan: You are always such a nit-picker about the details, Professor. Well, that's all the time we have for today. So, thank you Dr. Phraan. We hope to get you back again sometime. And to you viewers listening in, remember that we do not specifically endorse any product or procedure, even when they sound as good as these diets by Dr. P. P. Phraan. Be sure to come back tomorrow for more of the "Yesterday" show here on the ISP Network.

Why Have Scientists Not Warned Us About DHMO!

As part of my next Presidential election campaign, I have, as some of you are aware, been delving into the world of Alternative Medicine (AM). After all at least 40% of Americans use AM. I personally think it is much higher and am staking the next election on bringing the AM devotees into the fold. I'm even thinking of adopting the campaign slogan: "Vote for the Professor, he's a mighty snappy dresser, and he supports AM, when other candidates say it's a sham." The slogan is a bit long, but very catchy. We are working now with a popular musician to develop a jingle. I can't tell you who the musician is but his intitials are J.B. and I am told that this collaboration will be a win-win for both of us.

Well, enough about that. Tonight I am happy to report that I have here with me at The Professor's campaign headquarters one of the preeminent doctors of AM–Dr. B.Y. Acrock. Dr. Acrock was one of the first to point out the hazards of a common chemical, DHMO, used in almost all forms of conventional medical therapy.

Professor: Dr. Acrock can you tell us a bit more about the dangers of DHMO?

Dr. Acrock: Yes, professor. I'd be happy to. This chemical is one that is used in almost every medical procedure. I first started raising the warning flag back in 1989 after a report by three students (Eric Lechner, Lars Norpchen and Matthew Kaufman) at the University of California-Santa Cruz was distributed using fliers scattered around the campus and warning of this terrible chemical.

Professor: Can you give us some idea of the health problems associated with this chemical?

Dr. Acrock: Of course, professor. And this is just a small list of some of its terrible side effects, and here I quote from a respected journalist, Karl Kruszelnicki, who tried to raise the alarm about DHMO again in 2005. He wrote, "Consider the chemical DiHydrogen MonOxide, usually called DHMO. It's found in many different cancers, but there's no proven causal link between its presence and the cancers in which it lurks - so far. The figures are astonishing - DHMO has been found in over 95% of all fatal cervical cancers, and in over 85% of all cancers collected from terminal cancer patients. Despite this, it is still used as an industrial solvent and coolant, as a fire retardant and suppressant, in the manufacture of biological and chemical weapons, in nuclear power plants - and surprisingly, by elite athletes in some endurance sports. However, the athletes later find that withdrawal from DHMO can be difficult, and sometimes, fatal. Medically, it is almost always involved in diseases that have sweating, vomiting and diarrhoea as their symptoms."

Professor: This is astounding. What have the U.S. government, the president, the governors, the senate, the house been doing to stop the use of this malignant stuff?

Dr. Acrock: This is the absolutely incredible part of the story, professor. None of these have done anything. They seem to be turning their back on this crisis and we continue to find this chemical used almost everywhere. Lechner, one of the original discoverers of the problem, made a list of where it was being used and again this is just the tip of the iceberg. He indicated that our water system has been contaminated with this hazardous chemical. It is used as an industrial solvent and coolant, and in the production of styrofoam, pesticides, most poisons, and many other dangerous materials. It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants, contributes to the corrosion of our natural surroundings, can cause severe burns, contributes to global warming, and may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle 'Challenger.' It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. Large quantities of it have been found in our lakes, rivers, and oceans. No current form of purification can eliminate the threat even though our government claims to have spent billions of dollars in an attempt to control it. Most insidiously, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it every day through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many are storing large quantities for later use. The current administration has not dealt with the problem or with production, distribution, and use of this damaging chemical, most likely due to economic reasons and high-profile special interest groups.

Professor: Dr. Acrock, you and your associates in AM can rest assured that, if elected, I will make this problem a top priority. Now once again, for the record, what is this terrible chemical?

Dr. Acrock: It's called Dihydrogen Monoxide, or shortened to DHMO.

Professor: And what would be the chemical formula for this dangerous material? Would that be HHO or H2O?

Dr. Acrock: We prefer HHO, professor or, as I stated above DHMO. These designations seem to resonate more with the general public.

Professor: Well, thank you again, doctor. I certainly hope we can get you back here at campaign headquarters for another illuminating discussion on the dangers of the chemical industry and science in general.

Dr. Acrock: Any time, professor. I have some special cures I want to discuss with you that use natural spring water as the base. They are effective for a wide range of conditions and could save the country millions in health care costs.

Professor: Did you say they were water based?

I am afraid that Dr. Acrock did not get to answer my last question as he was rushing off to another engagement where he plans to continue to raise the DHMO alarm. He recommended that all of us peruse the DHMO Research website, which contains a considerable amount of additional information on this chemical hazard.

I Like Mike

You may think it is too early to begin planning for the 2016 presidential race, but those of us who are serious about the next campaign actually started planning for this race back in about 1972. However, the time has come to seriously get serious. We need a catchy campaign slogan. A good slogan like "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" or "Keep Cool and Keep Coolidge" can reap big rewards when it comes to election day. Voters may not remember anything else a politician says, but they do remember the slogan. Tippecanoe was magical for Harrison, and Keeping Cool was a hit for Coolidge. However, Alf Landon's 1938 slogan of "Let's make it a Landon-slide" turned out to be a landslide alright, but for Roosevelt, not Landon.

So here's the problem. The slogan we used in 2012 (Vote for Bart, He's Better Than the Other Guy) was obviously not well chosen. Somehow the slogan got manipulated by the opposition and posters were showing up all over the place with "A Vote for Bart is No Better than a F..." I won't even dignify the expression by completing it here. This is, after all, a family friendly web site.

Because of the issues in 2012, however, the campaign staff felt that it would be wise to test out a few slogans with you, the voters, before putting out a full-scale media blitz. So we would like your opinions on the following possible slogans.

Eisenhower's catchy slogans of "I like Ike" and "I still like Ike" won him two terms in the white house, and today, with the prevalence of social media where you can easily "Like" something, I suggested to the campaign staff that we should go with "I like Mike." Some of the staff pointed out that, first of all, my name isn't Mike, and second of all this slogan today might be perceived as an endorsement for gay rights. Still, the slogan does easily stick in the voters minds and I could be persuaded to change my name to Mike. Perhaps the slogan would still work if it was modified to "I like Mike, but only as a friend."

Another serious contender is a modification of Herbert Hoover's successful 1928 slogan, "A chicken in every pot." I thought this one was also very catchy, but would work better today if we tweaked it a bit like this: "Some Pot in every Chicken." I am convinced–and our early market surveys support me–that this slogan would appeal to a broad range of voters who are concerned with the modern food supply and the deplorable way that chickens are treated. The implication of course is that we, at the Federal level, would require that chickens be treated more humanely by adding a little marijuana to their diet. The chickens would be much happier and so would the consumers of chicken and chicken products.

Additional possibilities are:

• All the Way with PDDAAAGGBJK! A takeoff of Lyndon Johnson's successful slogan "All the Way with LBJ." I would hope it's obvious that PDDAAAGGBJK stands for Professor Doctor Dean and All Around Good Guy BJK, which is much more descriptive than Johnson's slogan.
• He's Just Nuts! A modification of Jimmy Carter's slogan, "Not Just Peanuts." Our point is that anyone who runs for president has to be crazy, so we should not try to hide that fact from the voting public.
• Naptime Again In America. Similar to Ronald Reagan's "Morning Again In America." This one would definitely appeal to senior citizens who are making up an ever increasing percentage of the voting public. And I think Reagan would approve. He believed in a good nap.
• No, We Can't! This, of course, is a modification of Pres. Obama's slogan "Yes, We Can" used in 2008. Our version of the slogan is, however, much more honest. Everyone knows that the Federal Government can't do anything, so why don't we just admit it up front.

These are just a few preliminary ideas. My campaign staff would love your input on any of these, or any other slogans you think would work better. And since my work with aloe based lubricants (you can read about this discovery here) has not taken off quite as quickly as I had hoped, we would also appreciate any contributions you would like to make to the campaign. Just leave them in unmarked envelopes on my porch, preferably without any miscellaneous white powder in the envelopes.

Preparing for 2016: Another Run for the Whitehouse

Many of you who followed my presidential campaign a couple of years ago have probably wondered what the "Professor" does when he is not on the campaign trail. Well, I did not get the title of Professor because of my good looks–although, I will admit, that my good looks and sharp wit probably did not hurt when I stood before the doctoral exam committee. But I do still ply my trade and occasionally make one of those "Eureka" type of discoveries. Scientific discoveries are often a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and yesterday I was in just one of those spots.

Where, you ask, was this magical place of discovery? Why that is what is so amazing. It was in the local Smith's grocery store. I had just picked out the best cart from the pile near the store entrance and was heading past the small plant and flower shop that they have just inside the door when it happened. You see, someone had dropped a couple of aloe vera leaves on the floor along with a drizzle of water. Then there I came traipsing along with my cart looking straight ahead toward the fruit and vegetable section, trying to keep my eyes off of the cookies and candy that are so carefully placed near the entrance and exit of the store because, that is, of course, the last place anyone would look for these unhealthy products, and Smith's, like most other grocery stores, is concerned about your health.

But I diverge...there I was traipsing along with my cart when to my surprise...WHAMO...I found myself doing the splits on the floor. Now I can tell you that this was a bit of a shock to the old system because, to be frank, I have not attempted the splits since I was in Elementary School when Sue Brockingfort challenged me to a "splits contest." At that young age, I was not aware of the deep anatomical rift between boys and girls and thought that if she could do it, then so could I. I have to admit–and I know that my fans will be disappointed here–but I did not win the contest that day, nor did I ever try to do the splits again...that is until yesterday.

Fortunately, at the Smith's store, there were two nice young people standing nearby to witness the event. After they stopped laughing, they both came over and asked for my autograph. No actually, they did not, they just helped me to rediscover how to stand.

After that I visited briefly with the store manager and tried to explain to him about my past attempts at doing the splits with Sue Brockingham, and after I told him that story all he seemed interested in was Sue. "Sue, Sue, Sue," he kept saying. "You're going to Sue?" He was a little out of his mind, I suppose, but I tried to keep assuring him that I had no intention of going to see Sue. She was past history and I had no desire to open up old wounds.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is that I made the incredible discovery that if you mix the jelly-like stuff from the aloe leaves with a little water it makes a terrific lubricant. My preliminary tests, which as you have heard I conducted myself, show that this substance is more slippery than ice or oil or almost any known material. And as soon as I can walk again, I plan to invest in an aloe farm and start marketing this stuff under the name of "Slippery Goo." I should be able to make enough off of this to fund my entire next presidential race. So, don't worry my loyal followers and friends, I will not be coming to you this next time in need of campaign donations.