Sunday, May 4, 2014

Health Crisis? Not on My Watch!

Here is another issue I promise to work on if elected as your president in 2016. Alternative Medicine. I think it's criminal the way the medical establishment has treated these promising and obviously better methods for solving the nation's health crisis. Why are we still using the stone age medical techniques promoted by doctors, when we can have modern medical treatment from people who have no training in medicine, no understanding of science, and no evidence that their therapies work at all?

What? Excuse me for a moment please...

I apologize for the brief delay, but some of my staff feel that I should strike that last sentence from the record. They think people might be offended by my honest statement of fact. But I know better. Why, the American people are searching for alternative therapies and they want to be sure that nobody who has any knowledge of medicine or science has anything to do with those therapies. Why else would they be using them in the first place? Just mention the word "doctor" or "science" in a group of regular Americans and you'll see what I mean.

There are some who are trying to make Alternative Medicine more sciencey (I'm not sure that sciencey is a word, but it sounds good, so I'm going to use it). The government, who can always be trusted, has a National Center for Complementary Medicine. Certain Senators felt that this sort of thing was necessary to provide equal time and money for these unscientific therapies. We wouldn't want them to feel that they were not loved, not valued. I believe this is a very good example of what government should do. In fact, we should increase our spending in this obviously valuable and unproven area.

Some people are truly getting on the bandwagon, so to speak, with Alternative Medicine. Take, for example, Everglades University.  Their advertisement for the Bachelor of Science degree in Alternative Medicine reads, "Nearly 40% of Americans use complementary and alternative healing methods in some capacity to improve general health. At Everglades University, our Bachelor of Science degree program in Alternative Medicine can help you break into this emerging industry and explore the exciting field of alternative medicine."

Imagine that! 40% of Americans are using Alternative Medicine. I think that's enough to swing the election my way and that is why I am getting on the A.M. bandwagon. I promise, if elected, to require all health care providers to use nothing but homeopathy, chiropractic, acupunture, herbal medicine, crystal therapy, Vitamin-O, ionized water, and any other unproven, non-scientific, non-evidence-based method that is available and get rid of all the old drugs and vaccines and fancy machines that you find in most doctor's offices. Think of the billions of dollars we will save the country by using these cheaper alternatives. And we can do away with health insurance, because I have been assured by the best A.M. practitioners that they can cure any health issue–not just ameliorate them, but cure them.

Homeopathy, for instance has cures for almost any condition and the best part is that these cures only require a bit of sugar and/or a few drops of water. That's all. No actual medicine is involved. None. It's natural, it's cheap, and it must be effective because millions of people world-wide rely on it.

I can see it now–I'll be the first president in U.S. history to provide free health care to every American and balance the budget at the same time. Why the other candidates have not jumped on this is beyond me. Tell your friends and get the word out. And please let them know that no actual doctors or scientists will be used or harmed in this national health-care experiment.

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