The Professor is Back

 

 

NEWS CONFERENCE WITH THE PROFESSOR

Professor: My fellow earthlings. It is my pleasure today to announce that my campaign for President...that's President of the Universe...is going well. As you may recall, I have attempted on other occasions to run for President of the United States, but have been foiled in my attempt by others with better hair styles. This will not be a problem in running for President of the Universe because, as far as I can tell, I am the only candidate.

Newsperson #1: Professor, what will be the main points of your campaign. What issues will you tackle in your run for President of the Universe?

Professor: I have a killer platform that will be hard to beat. In fact, there has never been a platform as great as mine and have you seen the crowds at my recitals...no, no, that's not it. What do you call those things when I get up on a podium and tell jokes to the crowds? Oh yes, my...my...no matter, it escapes me at the moment, but my crowds are enormous. Why at the last one I couldn't see more that a couple feet in front of me.

Newsperson #2: Might I remind you professor that your last rally was held in a broom closet.

Professor: Ah, yes. That's what you call them. Rallies. Mine are huge. And I want you all to know that my opponents are all idiots. My brain is ten times...no, a thousand times as big and smart as theirs.

Newsperson #1: But Professor, you said just moments ago that you don't have any opponents for this election. And how is someone supposed to vote for you anyway? 

Professor: Now, that is an important question. But first I want to state emphatically that there will be cheating and massive voter fraud during the election. They'll be using those damn machines imported from Burkina Faso to count the votes and as I discovered on my old Twitter account, Burkina Faso doesn't make voting machines. So, this is all some big scam put together by the Martians. And speaking of Martians, I promise that I won't let them continue to import that red dust with impunity. I plan to raise the import tariffs on all interplanetary dust, excepting, of course, Moon dust because we all know how poor the Moonies are. Always begging for donations at airports and ski resorts. I've even donated to them myself when I have found I carried a bit of change. Not that I would do this very often, mind you. Free handouts just encourage crime...the worst kinds of crime...like bending the corners over on the pages of borrowed books or flossing your teeth in public with one of those quirky little flossing sticks.

Newsperson #3: Professor, this is all very interesting, but could you give us your position on the economy? How do you propose to stimulate the economy?

Professor: Never you mind about that. I have a plan for the economy. A very sound, very important, very big plan. The best plan that has ever been put forward. Even Michael Scott has never had a plan so completely fabulous.

Newsperson #3: Professor, you do realize that Michael Scott is a fictional character, don't you?

Professor: What do you mean--fictional? I saw him just last night on TV. You can't tell me that's fictional. Why I'll bet you don't believe that Martians eat dirt. I've seen multiple reports of this and it is truly disgusting. When I am elected President of the Universe, I promise to make dirt eating illegal...unless of course the dirt eaters wish to vote for me, then I would have to reconsider this position. But let's get back to the important issues. The Universe is going to hell in a hand basket and my opponents claim everything is fine. How can they say everything is fine when we're still allowing kids to eat hot dogs and bologna? How can they claim everything is fine when Pluto has been reduced to something other that a regular planet? How can they claim the Universe is not in trouble when scientist are discovering hundreds of new planets every year? Can you imagine the influx of immigrants that will soon be swarming to earth, taking jobs that no earthling wants, and bringing with them interplanetary diseases and crime. Crime will triple...no quadruple...if the influx of extraterrestrials does not stop. I promise to build a solid fence around the entire earth to stop this flow of unhuman garbage.

Newsperson #2: Wow, Professor. I really don't know where to start in responding to all of that.

Professor: I know. It's just overwholming...or is it overwhelming? Just be assured that I have everything under control. I intend to Make the Universe Great Again...MUGA. Isn't that a great slogan. I came up with it myself and, if you are interested, I am selling hats, scarves, jackets, coins, photos, ties, shoes, kitchen appliances, and many other valuable, high-quality items emblazoned with MUGA. These items will go fast, so get your order in soon. Just Venmo $500 for each item directly to The Professor. You will never regret the purchase of a $500 MUGA hat. No time for more questions. I can see that some in my crowd are leaving...no, no, you didn't hear me say that. The crowd is just getting bigger and bigger so that we might have to move this news conference out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

All in the Line of Duty

As some of you may know, I have been recently a guest on the ISP Network's popular show Yesterday! You can read the transcripts of those shows here (First Appearance) and here (Second Appearance). I was there, not only to promote my candidacy for the 2016 Presidential Election, but to lend my expert advice to the show's host, Mr. Ichan S. Plurg who was interviewing Dr. P. P. Phraan. Dr. Phraan claimed that he had discovered several guaranteed ways to lose weight. Well, as a scientist I took exception to some of his claims and he, in turn, challenged me to try them. So, as your future leader, and as a scientist, I took the challenge and agreed to try whichever diet Dr. Phraan selected, assuring him that none of them would work to any great effect.

Well, it was perhaps a mistake to agree to let him pick the diet. He chose the "Butcher's Diet", which for those of you who missed it on the Yesterday show is Dr. Phraan's diet where he recommends that you cut off part of your body to lose weight. He suggested I might want to try having my head removed, but that, to me, seemed a bit drastic. But not wanting to lose face with my loyal followers and fans, I moved forward and selected a part of my body that seemed to be the least necessary and, more importantly, the least painful to remover. It was a lump that had been growing on my side for some time. When this lump first appeared, I had hoped that it might develop into an extra limb or at least an alien baby, but for several years now it has just seem to languish as a lump.

The first step in this "Butcher's Diet" of Dr. Phraan is to visit your local butcher...er, I mean surgeon. I got a recommendation of who to go to from my housekeeper (I assure you she is not here in America illegally, at least I don't think so). She claimed this doctor had never seen lost anyone yet, and of course that interested me right away because I was hoping to not lose anything so that I could prove that Dr. Phraan was a phraud...I mean, fraud.

The doctor's office was clean, not too much moaning could be heard from the back rooms, and he had that flying house moving playing on a big screen TV, you know that one I'm talking about with the old man and the boy scout and the dog and the big bird and the balloons. Anyway, my turn eventually came up to see the doctor. He took a look at my lump and in less time than it took me to climb the stairs to his office determined that he could remove it in 10 minutes–maybe 15 minutes tops. It would be easy in-the-office surgery with only local anesthetic.

I liked the sound of that except for the part about the local anesthetic. I am not a big fan of pain and prefer not to be awake when I am being cut up. Nonetheless, I returned a few days later and laid myself out on his operating table expecting to be home in time for my mid-afternoon snack. I had, of course, weighed myself carefully before the procedure and was planning to weigh afterwards to see how much, if any, weight I had lost.

The operation began cordially with me making small talk and the doctor, working alone, preferring to remain silent. I began to worry a bit when, as he approached to give me the anesthetic, he said, and I quote, "You're going to feel a little pressure." I thought, of course, that he was making a joke referring to Brian Regan's skit on going to the doctor, but he was deadly serious. About forty minutes into my 10 minute operation, the doctor called for backup. The removal of my lump consisted of the doctor cutting and pulling and cutting and pulling and squeezing and pulling and me screaming that I needed a bit more anesthetic and more cutting and pulling and then after about an hour he sewed me back up having removed the lump along with about three quarts of blood. He had to get his PA to dig my fingers out of his operating table. I have included a photo of the aftermath for those of you who may not believe what I am telling you. Please keep women and young children away from the viewing screen–this will be fairly graphic.

The downside of all this is that I did indeed lose a little weight, about half-a-pound, and so I could not gloat and proclaim Dr. Phraan a fraud, even though he still is a fraud and I will continue to try to prove it.

The good thing is, however, that I proved to all of the voters that I am a man who keeps his word. I made a promise and I kept it. I also learned that there are some promises you should not make and that sometimes when you need a surgeon, it might be better to go to the butcher. I am confident that the butcher could have had that lump out in 10 minutes or less.


You can read more about my 2016 Presidential Campaign in these earlier blogs:

• Preparing another run for the Whitehouse
• Professor Claims He Told the Truth
• I Like Mike
• Health Care Crisis
• The Truth about DHMO

More Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight

 
[Note: We return to the ISP Network for another episode of the "Yesterday" show hosted by Ichan S. Plurg, with his guests Dr. P. P. Phraan, the noted diet specialist, as well as 2016 presidential candidate, The Professor. For those of you who may have accidentally missed the first appearance of Dr. Phraan on the "Yesterday" show, we refer you to the transcript, which can be found at this LINK.]

Ichan: Welcome back viewers to the highest rated TV show in which I appear as the host. The latest Neilsen Ratings show that our viewership has now increased well into the double digits. Dozens of you are watching us every day. Remember to sign up now for our monthly newsletter for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all the inside information that we deliberately don't use on our shows, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my wife and kids, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular price. And don't forget you'll also be eligible for our drawing for free tickets to actually attend the show here in person. That's right the tickets are free! You will have to pay a small shipping fee. Now let's get on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome back.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Thank you Ichan. It is my pleasure to be with you. But did you have to invite bozo here to come back as well.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan, that is not very charitable of you. The Professor, as you know, is running for president again, and we thought it would be good for our viewers to see exactly why they don't want to vote for him. Besides, he is here to provide color commentary about your diet plans.

Dr. P. P.: I see. You could not find anyone else, I take it.

Ichan: Perhaps. Say...didn't you have some funny accent last time you appeared on the show?

Dr. P. P.: I might have.

Ichan: No problem, I think we've all tried out a few things like that. I once wore a non-designer shirt. It was just for a moment, mind you, and I didn't really get it all the way on. But yes we all have our little secrets. Why I believe that the Professor once stuck two dozen chewed pieces of bubble gum up his nose. Isn't that right Professor?

The Professor: No, Ichan, it was only one dozen and it was part of a very serious scientific experiment. And I believe that we got all but a couple pieces out completely.

Ichan: I don't know why we need to look any further for a good presidential candidate. I don't think any of the others can top that story. Maybe if Bill Clinton ran again he could come up with something, but he's already used up his two terms. But we are not really here to talk politics. We're here to find out more about the amazing guaranteed diet plans of Dr. Phraan. Last time he shared with us his revolutionary Cherry Gut and Butcher's diet plans––both guaranteed to cause weight loss or your money back. What else have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Phraan. Let's have some more of your incredible wisdom on dieting.

Dr. P. P.: Well, Ichan, you may have heard Doctor's and dieticians for years suggest that the best way to lose weight is to eat less––to take in fewer calories than you use. This we might call the "Standard Diet." The only problem with the Standard Diet is that it's boring. So, I have come up with what I call the "Amazingly Improved Standard Diet." It's really quite simple. You eat nothing. In just one month on this diet you can lose an incredible amount of weight. We are not sure just exactly how much a person might lose in a month, because we have not had any of our subjects on this diet survive that long, but the preliminary results are absolutely encouraging.

Ichan: So, you're saying that anyone can lose weight on this diet? What do you think Professor?

The Professor: I'm sure this diet is as deadly as Dr. Phraan suggests. I would...

Ichan: Recommend it? Wow! Another great endorsement from the Professor. What else have you got Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: Ichan, let me give you a few more of my revolutionary diet ideas. You've heard of people who get their stomach stapled so that it will not hold as much food?

Ichan: Yes.

Dr. P. P.: Well, I have a diet plan called the "Mouth Staples Diet." Rather than staple the stomach, you have your mouth stapled. It really cuts down on the calories and helps even more with inane dinner time conversation.

Ichan: That's fascinating, Dr. Phraan. Keep going.

Dr. P. P.: Doctors for years have been preaching the dietary benefits of exercise. I believe this is true, but in order to make it work well you can't just get on the treadmill for a few minutes a day. What you need to do is have yourself strapped to the treadmill and only be allowed off for a few minutes to use the bathroom each day. In just seven days, we believe, you could lose as much as 100% of your weight. We call it the "100% Treadmill Diet." For example, look at this happy participant in our trials.

Ichan: Incredible! So if I start at 200 lbs and lose 100% of my weight, how much would I weigh, Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: I can't give you an exact figure off the top of my head, Ichan. My math skills are a little rusty, but it would be a significant amount, I would guess that for you it would be 30...maybe 40 lbs.

Ichan: I had no idea that 100% would add up to that much, Dr. Phraan. These diet plans are simple phenomenal, don't you think so Professor?

The Professor: I simply must protest, Ichan. These diets are so incredibly..."

Ichan: Incredible! That's what I said, Professor. You must have drifted off again. I think we have time for one more, Dr. What else have you got?

Dr. P. P.: This one, Ichan, is one of my best. No matter how much you weigh, you will lose it all on this diet. I call it the "Free Fall Diet." I'm not sure why scientists, who have known about this for years, have not tried to market it. Here is the gist of the diet. Take a standard bathroom scale and tie it to your feet. Then have someone push you off of a tall cliff. You will see that, before you were pushed off of the cliff, the scale showed your normal amount of weight. But once you are in the air, the scale will read zero weight. You've "Lost it All on the Free Fall." That's our catchy little jingle to go with the ad campaign we are planning. These pictures give you an idea of how thin and happy people are on this diet.

Ichan: I simply do not know what to say, Dr. Another home run. Wow! Audience what do you think?

[Loud clapping and cheering from the audience.]

Ichan: And what about you Professor. You can't top that, I'll bet.

The Professor: No, Ichan. I can't. But I do wonder what happens when you hit the ground.

Ichan: You are always such a nit-picker about the details, Professor. Well, that's all the time we have for today. So, thank you Dr. Phraan. We hope to get you back again sometime. And to you viewers listening in, remember that we do not specifically endorse any product or procedure, even when they sound as good as these diets by Dr. P. P. Phraan. Be sure to come back tomorrow for more of the "Yesterday" show here on the ISP Network.