I Like Mike

You may think it is too early to begin planning for the 2016 presidential race, but those of us who are serious about the next campaign actually started planning for this race back in about 1972. However, the time has come to seriously get serious. We need a catchy campaign slogan. A good slogan like "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" or "Keep Cool and Keep Coolidge" can reap big rewards when it comes to election day. Voters may not remember anything else a politician says, but they do remember the slogan. Tippecanoe was magical for Harrison, and Keeping Cool was a hit for Coolidge. However, Alf Landon's 1938 slogan of "Let's make it a Landon-slide" turned out to be a landslide alright, but for Roosevelt, not Landon.

So here's the problem. The slogan we used in 2012 (Vote for Bart, He's Better Than the Other Guy) was obviously not well chosen. Somehow the slogan got manipulated by the opposition and posters were showing up all over the place with "A Vote for Bart is No Better than a F..." I won't even dignify the expression by completing it here. This is, after all, a family friendly web site.

Because of the issues in 2012, however, the campaign staff felt that it would be wise to test out a few slogans with you, the voters, before putting out a full-scale media blitz. So we would like your opinions on the following possible slogans.

Eisenhower's catchy slogans of "I like Ike" and "I still like Ike" won him two terms in the white house, and today, with the prevalence of social media where you can easily "Like" something, I suggested to the campaign staff that we should go with "I like Mike." Some of the staff pointed out that, first of all, my name isn't Mike, and second of all this slogan today might be perceived as an endorsement for gay rights. Still, the slogan does easily stick in the voters minds and I could be persuaded to change my name to Mike. Perhaps the slogan would still work if it was modified to "I like Mike, but only as a friend."

Another serious contender is a modification of Herbert Hoover's successful 1928 slogan, "A chicken in every pot." I thought this one was also very catchy, but would work better today if we tweaked it a bit like this: "Some Pot in every Chicken." I am convinced–and our early market surveys support me–that this slogan would appeal to a broad range of voters who are concerned with the modern food supply and the deplorable way that chickens are treated. The implication of course is that we, at the Federal level, would require that chickens be treated more humanely by adding a little marijuana to their diet. The chickens would be much happier and so would the consumers of chicken and chicken products.

Additional possibilities are:

• All the Way with PDDAAAGGBJK! A takeoff of Lyndon Johnson's successful slogan "All the Way with LBJ." I would hope it's obvious that PDDAAAGGBJK stands for Professor Doctor Dean and All Around Good Guy BJK, which is much more descriptive than Johnson's slogan.
• He's Just Nuts! A modification of Jimmy Carter's slogan, "Not Just Peanuts." Our point is that anyone who runs for president has to be crazy, so we should not try to hide that fact from the voting public.
• Naptime Again In America. Similar to Ronald Reagan's "Morning Again In America." This one would definitely appeal to senior citizens who are making up an ever increasing percentage of the voting public. And I think Reagan would approve. He believed in a good nap.
• No, We Can't! This, of course, is a modification of Pres. Obama's slogan "Yes, We Can" used in 2008. Our version of the slogan is, however, much more honest. Everyone knows that the Federal Government can't do anything, so why don't we just admit it up front.

These are just a few preliminary ideas. My campaign staff would love your input on any of these, or any other slogans you think would work better. And since my work with aloe based lubricants (you can read about this discovery here) has not taken off quite as quickly as I had hoped, we would also appreciate any contributions you would like to make to the campaign. Just leave them in unmarked envelopes on my porch, preferably without any miscellaneous white powder in the envelopes.

Why doesn't the government work on any really serious problems...like halitosis?

I have remained silent on this issue for far too long. However, it's time to "bite the bullet" and speak up. The issue is this: There are far too many people in the world who are completely clueless about how bad their breath is. And to compound the problem, none of us will tell them about it. We just stand there and grin and pretend that we are completely enjoying the fact that six inches away from us there is a volcano issuing forth toxic gases that could wilt a two-by-four.

Seriously, this is a major problem. Even when we do work up the courage to try and do something about it, things often backfire. I tried once to tell a friend that perhaps a couple of tic tacs would be in order, and might even help him to get a second date. He never spoke to me again. I was just trying to help. Really.

Just the other day I was working with an individual whose breath was somewhere around 7 to 8 on the 10 point scale where 1 is fresh, sweet mountain air and 10 is a mixture of dead fish and rotted, maggot infested cow. I pulled out a couple of breath mints and offered them to him in a polite, but non-threatening way and he smiled back at me and said, "No...no, thanks. I'm fine." I wanted to scream, "No, you are not fine! Your breath smells like you ate a pot of ten-year old fermented gingko berries for breakfast!" (And, by the way, I do know what rotted, fermented gingko berries smell like because there is a tree full of them right outside my office building that fall all over the sidewalk every year and then get stepped on and tramped into the building where we all look around to see who stepped in the doggy you-know-what).

But I digress...I, of course, did not say that his breath smelled like fermented gingko berries. I just smiled and took a couple steps back, a move that would have helped except for the fact that he then took a couple of steps forward to keep our conversation more personal, I suppose.

Well, I have a plan to solve this problem and I mean to get to work on it right away. I am planning to see if I can get President Obama to take this on. He is one of the few people who has the will and the means to tackle a problem as serious as this one. I hope that by next year we can have breath scanners in all public places...no...why stop there. We'll get him to put whole body smell scanners. That way we can catch those with any kind of offending body odor (from whatever part they are coming from). Those who do not comply will be locked up together for a couple of days to enjoy each others company and emanations.

This whole idea has me so worked up that I'm getting hungry. Think I'll go finish that leftover garlic and anchovy pizza.

Time to Get the Campaign Rolling Again!

My dear friends and supporters -- After taking the summer off to recover from trouble brought on by some meddlesome doctors (and also to allow my competitors time to thoroughly beat up on themselves) I am back. The VOTE FOR BART campaign is moving forward. Interestingly, my absence over the summer does not seem to have had much of an impact. In fact, I wonder if my competitors, Gov. Romney and Pres. Obama, had taken a break like I did, would the voters not be in a better mood with the election approaching? The answer to that question is so obvious that I won't even bother to answer.

However, facts are facts (except of course when they're not). What I mean to say is that the race is still wide open, and you–the faithful who have continued to support my campaign, even when I had given up on it myself–are the ones who will decide the outcome of this race.

Amazingly, the latest poll numbers look good. In the key swing voter towns of Avoca, Iowa and Pine Bush, New York the election is close: Obama 22%, Romney 22%, Pat Paulsen 22%, Ross Perot 22%, George McGovern 22%, undecided 22%, and Bart 0.22%.

At first, we were rather disappointed in these poll numbers because we were pretty sure that Pat Paulsen was dead and that George McGovern was pretty close to dead as well. It didn't seem quite fair that they had as many 2's in their poll numbers as we did. However, after looking more closely at the overall picture, it seems obvious that our supporters are reluctant to "tip their hand" to the pollsters. They are, as we have suspected for some time, waiting to cast their ballot in November rather than become party to the pre-election guessing game that entangles so many campaigns. Besides, if the voters are really that anxious to cast their ballot for a dead or nearly dead person, why then I'm their man. Just ask anyone who has had to sit next to me in one of our university committee meetings. I can compete with the best of the really dead ones.

So, get out there and put up those lawn signs. Help get the word out that the VOTE FOR BART campaign is headed for victory in November...particularly if I can remember to get my absentee ballot request in.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect]

Mr. President...

After giving it a lot of thought, I have decided that...and I know this will disappoint many of you...I will not be running for President this year. It's not because I don't think I have the qualifications. I am, after all, an Eagle Scout; I was president of the German Club in High School; and I received an "Honorable Mention" ribbon for my Hubbard squash at the Hooper Tomato Days celebration in 1962. I think that easily beats out the qualifications of our last two presidents.

No, after discussing this at length with my presidential exploration committee, I have determined that, even though I have all the qualities that would make a great president, I simply won't be able to get the votes because of one fatal flaw...I don't have the right hair for the job.

I mean just look at the possible contenders. First, of course, there's Mitt Romney. I don't believe anyone has ever photographed Mitt with a single hair out of place. Even those photos where it looks like his hair is blowing in the breeze have to be staged. You know, they get some stylist to come out and fix his hair so it looks like its blowing in the wind. There can't be any other explanation.

Even if I did manage to get past Romney, I'd still have to deal with Donald Trump, who, let's face it, would get more press in the first week of the campaign on just his hair than I would get during the entire race. And it's not really fair because Donald's hair is, well...atrocious was the word I was going to use, but that didn't seem strong enough.

Then--as my committee pointed out--even if by some miracle the press decided not to report on Donald's hair and instead to focus on the actual qualifications and positions of the candidates, allowing me to overcome the odds and get into the finals, there is still President Obama. Not only does the President have a full head of hair, but apparently voters think he is cute as well. And even though my daughter Melanie tells me I'm cute occasionally, I don't think she means it in a Barack Obama sort of way.

So, my dear friends and supporters, I am withdrawing my name from contention. Don't give up hope, however. I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see if perhaps he can recommend someone who could transplant a patch of the extra hair that seems to be all over my back onto the top of my head. Watch out contenders! I may be back yet.

On My Honor, I Will Do My Duty...

It has been an interesting week with all of the news of Osama and Obama and Navy Seals and, of course most importantly, Kate and William. Everyone seems to be doing their best to do their duty.

My problem is that, even at 58, I can't think of that word, "duty," without bringing up memories of my childhood. Parents, as you probably already know, are an interesting group of people. They often do things that they think are good for their children, but which in reality end up scarring them for life. My daughter Leanna, I think, blames all of her relationship issues on the fact that I once went into the high school gym to pick her up from a dance rather than wait for her in the car. I guess some of the boys saw this freaky looking older guy inside the gymnasium and it affected their worldview in such a way that they never again wanted to go to a high school dance and stand around like a bunch of hyenas waiting for dinner.

My son Karl reminds me frequently of the deep scars that still remain from the night I threw his shoes out on the front lawn. I did it, yes, I admit that I did. And at the time it seemed like a sensible thing to do. I was trying to teach him something--don't leave your shoes in the middle of the floor for so many days that they have become the permanent homes for assorted field mice and pocket gophers. The only problem was that it didn't work. Karl never did pick up his shoes (he was, I assume, too scarred at that point to make it out onto the porch to get the shoes). I eventually went out and brought them back in myself because I was feeling sorry for the field mice, and I didn't want to have to end up buying him a new pair of shoes.

Well, this brings us back to my childhood. My parents--loving people that they were--didn't want my tender ears and delicate tongue to be offended by hearing or saying a word like "poop." So, to protect me, they decided to teach me that when I had to go number two in the potty, it was to be called "doing my duty." Seems like an innocent enough thing to do, but it had terrible consequences. You see, by age 8 I was old enough to be enrolled in Cub Scouts. It was an exciting time. I was looking forward to endless afternoons building speedy pinewood derby cars (I was unaware at the time that the dads actually built all the cars) and being able to dress up smartly in my uniform to receive all kinds of awards, badges, buttons, and pins.

I am sure you can imagine my horror when, on the first day of Cub Scouts, we were told to raise our arms to the square and repeat after our leader the words, "On my honor, I will do my duty..."

So, parents please be cautious about the well-meaning, but often life-scarring things you do to your children. What you do may be emblazoned upon their memories for the rest of their lives.