Time to Get the Campaign Rolling Again!

My dear friends and supporters -- After taking the summer off to recover from trouble brought on by some meddlesome doctors (and also to allow my competitors time to thoroughly beat up on themselves) I am back. The VOTE FOR BART campaign is moving forward. Interestingly, my absence over the summer does not seem to have had much of an impact. In fact, I wonder if my competitors, Gov. Romney and Pres. Obama, had taken a break like I did, would the voters not be in a better mood with the election approaching? The answer to that question is so obvious that I won't even bother to answer.

However, facts are facts (except of course when they're not). What I mean to say is that the race is still wide open, and you–the faithful who have continued to support my campaign, even when I had given up on it myself–are the ones who will decide the outcome of this race.

Amazingly, the latest poll numbers look good. In the key swing voter towns of Avoca, Iowa and Pine Bush, New York the election is close: Obama 22%, Romney 22%, Pat Paulsen 22%, Ross Perot 22%, George McGovern 22%, undecided 22%, and Bart 0.22%.

At first, we were rather disappointed in these poll numbers because we were pretty sure that Pat Paulsen was dead and that George McGovern was pretty close to dead as well. It didn't seem quite fair that they had as many 2's in their poll numbers as we did. However, after looking more closely at the overall picture, it seems obvious that our supporters are reluctant to "tip their hand" to the pollsters. They are, as we have suspected for some time, waiting to cast their ballot in November rather than become party to the pre-election guessing game that entangles so many campaigns. Besides, if the voters are really that anxious to cast their ballot for a dead or nearly dead person, why then I'm their man. Just ask anyone who has had to sit next to me in one of our university committee meetings. I can compete with the best of the really dead ones.

So, get out there and put up those lawn signs. Help get the word out that the VOTE FOR BART campaign is headed for victory in November...particularly if I can remember to get my absentee ballot request in.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect]

Mr. President...

After giving it a lot of thought, I have decided that...and I know this will disappoint many of you...I will not be running for President this year. It's not because I don't think I have the qualifications. I am, after all, an Eagle Scout; I was president of the German Club in High School; and I received an "Honorable Mention" ribbon for my Hubbard squash at the Hooper Tomato Days celebration in 1962. I think that easily beats out the qualifications of our last two presidents.

No, after discussing this at length with my presidential exploration committee, I have determined that, even though I have all the qualities that would make a great president, I simply won't be able to get the votes because of one fatal flaw...I don't have the right hair for the job.

I mean just look at the possible contenders. First, of course, there's Mitt Romney. I don't believe anyone has ever photographed Mitt with a single hair out of place. Even those photos where it looks like his hair is blowing in the breeze have to be staged. You know, they get some stylist to come out and fix his hair so it looks like its blowing in the wind. There can't be any other explanation.

Even if I did manage to get past Romney, I'd still have to deal with Donald Trump, who, let's face it, would get more press in the first week of the campaign on just his hair than I would get during the entire race. And it's not really fair because Donald's hair is, well...atrocious was the word I was going to use, but that didn't seem strong enough.

Then--as my committee pointed out--even if by some miracle the press decided not to report on Donald's hair and instead to focus on the actual qualifications and positions of the candidates, allowing me to overcome the odds and get into the finals, there is still President Obama. Not only does the President have a full head of hair, but apparently voters think he is cute as well. And even though my daughter Melanie tells me I'm cute occasionally, I don't think she means it in a Barack Obama sort of way.

So, my dear friends and supporters, I am withdrawing my name from contention. Don't give up hope, however. I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see if perhaps he can recommend someone who could transplant a patch of the extra hair that seems to be all over my back onto the top of my head. Watch out contenders! I may be back yet.