A Campus Crisis

 

Yes, it's the Professor here. I know that many of you are still very disappointed that I did not make a better effort to capture the presidency in the last election. However, it was obvious to me that I did not have the right set of skills to compete with the eventual winner--our current president, Mr. Trump. He has intelligence, grace, and social skills, combined with a temperament, never before seen in a leader of the free world, in addition to a great comb-over hair style. These attributes have established a new level of competence for those seeking the presidency. I simply could not compete.

But I digress. My reason for communicating with all of you, my loyal followers, on this occasion is to make you aware of a growing crisis on our college campuses. I have become aware of this serious problem during my daily walks--and no, contrary to what some of my detractors have suggested, I am not wandering about campus because I can no longer find my office, but because I have found that many of our societal social problems can be observed in these brief excursions from my protected office environment.

Yes, well--here is the crux of the problem, or the problem in a nutcase--or should that be nutshell? I forget. Anyway, the problem is this: more and more young people, particularly young women, are suffering in extreme poverty while they attempt to complete a college education. How do I know this, you might ask? Well, I did not get to be a doctor of science for nothing. I make observations, you see. I watch our students as I wander around looking for my office...no, I meant to say while I am getting some fresh air. You may be as shocked as I to discover that perhaps 15-20% of our current college students cannot afford to buy a good pair of jeans. I have attached a few example photos for you so that you can see the magnitude of the problem.

 

Can you imagine the struggles these students must have to even keep themselves fed and housed when they cannot afford to buy new jeans. Where is United Way, the World Health Organization, the Children's Hunger Alliance, the national church charities, the AMA, ABA, NOW, OPEC, NRA, CBS, ABC, USSR, etc. on this important issue. Do they not care? Where does our President stand on this critical issue?

Frankly, I am quite disturbed that I have not been able to find anyone who seems to care. University administrators say their hands are tied by federal regulations. My contacts at the Environmental Protection Agency have told me that although this might be considered an environmental issue, they have got their hands full right now trying to decide whether or not global warming is real. The Department of Health and Human services refused to take my phone calls--something about my previous involvement with the DiHydrogen MonOxide (DHMO) scare. Which, by the way, is still a serious problem. 

Although both men and women are affected by this epidemic of student poverty, it seems to be much more prevalent among the young women on campus. So, I would have thought that the National Organization of Women would take up the cause, but here again my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

So, I have come to you, my faithful followers. I am going to start a fund called something catchy like "Grants for Pants" or "Means for Jeans" or perhaps "Anti-Poverty Program for Ladies in Education (APPLE)". I would like to hear from you and get your input on the name. Funds, of course, will be deposited in an unnamed account somewhere in the Caribbean. As always, you can be sure that any donations will only be spent on the purposes for which I intend them to be spent.

Do you give extra credit?

College students are very interesting creatures. I know this for a fact, having been one myself several years ago. Students have a very sharp intellect and do very well on standard intelligence tests, but they seem to lack the genetic code for reading and understanding a syllabus, and at times it appears that their hearing has been severely damaged. By saying this, I don't mean to offend those college students out there who may have stumbled upon this blog. I really, really do like you, but I can't ignore the facts.

As an example of what I am trying to say, let me share with you the short version of a recent course I taught. Here we are on the first day of class:
Professor (me) after discussing class procedures and policies: Now, if at any time during the semester you have questions about the course, about your grade, or about how you can do better in class, please look back over your course syllabus or stop by my office. I would love to have the chance to visit with you and help you to do better in the course. Are there any questions?"

Student #1: Do you give any extra credit assignments?

Professor: No, there will be no extra credit and I have included a statement about that in your syllabus. However, I will allow you to make up missed assignments if you contact me on or before the day the assignment is due. Other questions?

Student #2: Professor, will you allow us to make up assignments? And will there be any extra credit?

...and so the semester begins. Several weeks pass and no students show up to see me. I notice that some have not been turning in their assignments. After the first exam I plead again with the students read the grading policy in the syllabus and to come and see me, particularly if they have not been doing well. I also remind them of the make-up policy for missed assignments. The second exam comes and goes. This time one student stops by my office. She received a 99% on the exam and is just wondering if there is some extra credit she can do to bring it up to an even 100%.

The semester is almost gone. As we reach the last week of class, I am thrilled to receive an email from a student wanting to talk about the final exam and how he is doing in the class. At the appointed time, the student knocks on my office door.

Student: Hello. I'm looking for Professor Kowallis, can you tell me where I can find him?

Professor: I'm Professor Kowallis. It's been me the whole semester.

Student: Oh, sorry. I wasn't able to get to class as often as I wanted.

Professor: Apparently not. How can I help you?

Student: Well, I haven't done so well on my tests and assignments and I really, really need to pass this class. You see, I'm supposed to graduate this semester and I have a job lined up and I just got married and my dog died last week...oh, and did I mention that I just really need to pass this class.

Professor: Yes, I believe you did mention that. So, let's look at your grade so far. Hmm..I see that you turned in just one of the twenty assignments that were due...and you failed the first exam. Oh, and this is interesting, you appear not to have taken exams 2 and 3. I can see why you're concerned.

Student: Yeah, it was a tough semester. I missed a couple of weeks of class because of a family vacation, and, you know, families are forever. I'm sure you understand that. And then with intramurals and planning for a wedding, I just didn't have much extra time.

Professor: I see. So, what exactly can I do for you today?

Student: Well, I was thinking...and I asked my wife and Bishop about this as well...that we could all get out of this whole mess with a little extra credit. Here...I wrote this report up for you.

Professor: Are you aware that we have a class policy that no extra credit will be given?

Student: No! You're kidding, aren't you?

Professor: No, I rarely get into a kidding mood when it comes to extra credit. But you see it's right here on page 2 of your course syllabus.

Student: Oh...I lost the syllabus the first week of class. So, I guess this means you won't be giving me any extra credit for my report?

Professor: I'm afraid not. But I do have one question. I am a little bit curious about why you thought that a report on the Lord of the Rings trilogy would get extra credit in a class on physical science.

Student: Well, that's pretty obvious, isn't it? There's all that geology stuff. You know, information about mountains and rivers and the Mines of Moria. And when Mt. Doom explodes...why that's got to be one of the best descriptions of volcanic activity anywhere. And there's chemistry too. In fact, there are some things that I couldn't find any mention of in our text book...like mithril, for example. How could they have forgotten to include that in the periodic table? And physics...why physics is everywhere...floating Boromir's body down the river, chasing orcs across Rohan, sailing ships up the Anduin...it's all motion and gravity and buoyancy and forces.

If my resolve against extra credit had not been so firm, I might have given in. Not many students could pull so much physical science out of Middle Earth.