The truth will come out sooner or later, so I may as well come clean now. I just received results from my latest DNA test performed by the company 23andMe and the good news is that I am 96.8% human. I know that some of you, particularly my close acquaintances and family members, think that percentage is a bit too high. You would have predicted that my human percentage might be closer to 15%, but no, it's 96.8%.
The bad news is that the other 3.2% is not human, at least not in the sense of the modern human as we know them today. The other 3.2% is Neanderthal. Now it's bad enough that I'm 3.2% Neanderthal, but that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that at 3.2% I am in the 99th percentile of all the people that have been tested. What that means is out of every 100 people tested, 99 of them have less Neanderthal DNA than I do! That's right...just go ahead and start making jokes. Why my brother-in-law Steve was making them last Sunday even before I got the test back. Now I am going to have to admit that he was right.
But, perhaps it won't be so bad. I can perhaps get some work in commercials. I understand that Geico, Inc. is looking for a new caveman, one with a bit more of the real caveman look.