My Plan for Economic Stability

VOTE FOR BART CAMPAIGN

Dear friends and supporters, it is time for me to speak up on the financial crisis that it afflicting our nation. Both the Democrats and the Republicans seem to be incapable of solving this current mess and that is one more reason why you should vote for me.

Before I launch into my economic plan, let me remind you that campaigns are not without costs and I would encourage you to send me your contributions. Keep in mind, however, that there is a limit of $2,500 on what you can give as an individual. Of course, I have learned from my good friend and colleague, Mitt Romney, that it is okay for you to set up a corporation, donate perhaps a million dollars through the company, and then close it up. I don't know if I would have thought of that myself, but it is worth remembering.

Now, for the economic plan. This idea is very profound and yet I am surprised that none of my competitors have proposed it. The plan is simply this: print enough money to give every man, woman, child, and household pet $100,000. By my calculations there are about 312 million Americans and probably another 150 million pets. Let's just round the number off to 500 million total, pets and all. At $100,000 each, the government would have to print roughly $50 trillion dollars. Then...and this is the key to the whole economic plan...the government would collect all of that back in taxes--all $50 trillion dollars. That would easily cover the current debt without the American people having to spend any of their own money. And it would give the government a little extra in spare change to use for worthy causes like finding a cure for unsightly back hair, or creating a trust fund for bankrupt millionaires.

I am sure some of you are saying, "Hold on, that will never work. You are just collecting the same amount that you gave out." But if you think about it, the cost to the government is almost nothing for printing the $50 trillion dollars, and mailing it out. Yet they will get $50 trillion back into the bank! It's a brilliant plan and one more reason that you should spread the news about our campaign. And don't forget to pull that corporation together soon, so that you can donate more than the personal limit to the campaign. Thanks so much for your support!

Breaking news...

[We are at the headquarters of the Center for Republican Understanding of Democrats (C.R.U.D.) in downtown Promise City, Iowa where a press conference has been called by the "Vote for Bart" campaign. Here is Professor Bart now and Mrs. Bart is with him, standing to the side and just slightly behind him.]

Professor: My dear friends and supporters. This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life...and I know that I have disappointed many of you. Nonetheless, it is time for me to come clean. In this day of flash mobs and twittering media, it is impossible to keep anything personal. I hope you believe me when I say that I had no intention of deceiving my family, my wife, and my faithful supporters. I must confess today that I did...at one time...have a brief association with the Democratic Party. I want to assure you, however, that I never really felt like a Democrat...I might have been in the same room with a few of them, but I never inhaled their political philosophy. Now I believe we have a few moments for a couple of questions.

Media Reporter #1: Professor...is it true that you once hosted a Democratic Party caucus meeting at your home? And, if I may just ask a short follow up question...do you have any idea what a flash mob is?

Professor: Of course I know what a flash mob is. But I don't think this is the place to discuss such disgusting behavior...and you can be certain that if I am elected, I will put a stop to them. With regards to your first question, yes, I did sign up to host a caucus meeting at my home. At the time I was unaware that it was for the Democratic Party...I thought it was meeting of scholars to discuss democracy. And anyway nobody except an out-of-work musician showed up. That hardly counts, I think. Next question?

Media Reporter #2: Professor...how can you honestly say that you were never really a Democrat? I have reports that show you were registered as a Democrat for more than a decade, that you served as a delegate on more than one occasion to county and state Democratic Party conventions, that you openly put up placards for Democratic candidates on your front lawn, and that you still own a Jimmy Carter bobblehead doll.

Professor: I'll have you know that doll is a valuable artifact of a bygone era. I keep it only for academic purposes. I have no comment on your other allegations. Next question.

Media Reporter #3: Professor...what is the status of your presidential campaign now that you have come out of the closet, so to speak? The polls, for example, are showing you as dead last in every primary if they were held today.

Professor: Poles? I'll have you know that the Poles are firmly on my side. Why my great-great-grandfather was a Pole. I don't know where you are getting your data, but you'd better go back and check your sources. And I resent your implication that I have come out of the closet. I will never come out of the closet. I don't even know where the closet is. What....no, no...let me take a few more questions...the truth must be told!

[Unfortunately, I believe that is the end of this news conference. The Professor's wife just dragged him off of the podium.]

Campaign Rumors

I am certain that many of you have already seen the photo and read the vicious rumors that have been circulating on the internet this week about myself and our presidential campaign. These rumors are total fabrication and a ploy of my opponents to discredit me. I expected this to happen...just not quite so soon. However, the fact that these rumors and this purported photo of me have surfaced should give all of my supporters a lift. It means that the campaign is getting some traction...it's getting noticed and, of course, that is just what we had hoped for.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am posting the supposed photo of me here. The quality of the photo is such that I can't really say who it is in this photo, but I can assure all of my loyal supporters that I never shook hands with that woman, a democrat...never hosted a democratic mass meeting at my home (no one could ever prove this one way or the other since no one ever attends democrat mass meetings in Utah County)...never drank anything from that Pepsi machine...and I certainly never voted for Jimmy Carter (I mean this was the man who was almost killed by a bunny!).

Now, I am certain that the opponents of our campaign will continue to try and feed this issue to the press and the public. But I know I can count on you to provide the support and strength that we need to go forward. Please continue to send your contributions to the "Vote for Bart" campaign. It will take all of us working together to put down these ugly rumors. Thank you for your support.

The Real Issues

I must apologize to those of you who have been following my "Vote For Bart" 2012 presidential election campaign. It has been some time since I brought you up-to-date on how the campaign is going. I do want to assure all of my faithful supporters that exciting things are on the horizon. In fact, I think I have discovered an issue that will appeal to all Americans. And it is an issue that none of the other candidates have dared to touch.

The issue is this: there is a great inequity, bordering on racism and bigotry, in the naming of towns, cities, and other places in the United States. Did you know that there are 13 places with Democrat as all or part of the place name around the country, but only 9 with Republican. We have towns in Alabama, Arkansas, California, Idaho, Kentucky, North Carolina, and Texas by the name of Democrat, along with Democrat Spring, Illinois, Democrat Ridge, Missouri, Democrat Landing, Alabama, Democrat Guard Station (aka Democrat Fire Station), California, Democrat Crossing, Texas, and Democrat Bluff, Alabama. That's 13...you can count them.

Republicans on the other hand have towns named Republican in Arkansas, North Carolina, South Dakota, Ohio, Nebraska, and Mississippi along with Republican Grove, Virginia, Republican Station, Nebraska, and Republican Valley Farm, Ohio. That's just nine. Less than 70% of what the Democrats have.

I cannot believe that the news media have not picked up on this. I suspect they are aware of it, but you know how they are when it comes to pointing out any inequities that favor the Democrats. Just think what the headlines would be if it was the other way around. Every paper in the country would be splashed with "Republicans secretly infiltrating America's homes: huge difference found in place names across the country!"

And this is not the worst of it. My team of expert researchers has discovered that there are over 100 places with names that include Kennedy, over 140 that include Clinton, and even more, two hundred at least, that include Carter. All of this while Nixon barely rates 30, Reagan 15, and Eisenhower...this is the kicker...Eisenhower only has 2 golf courses, an arts center, a tunnel, and a shopping mall.

This kind of anti-Republicanism must stop! And I am the one to do it. My plan would be to require all states to maintain an equal distribution of Republican and Democrat place names, never to vary by more than 1%. Any state violating this policy would lose all federal funding and be ceded to Mexico or Canada, whichever was closer.

I can guarantee you that if I am elected, this kind of partisan behavior would be eliminated. So, please spread the word about the campaign and be sure to send your donations to: 101 Democrat Boulevard, Republican City.

(If you have missed my earlier posts on the Vote For Bart election campaign, you will find them in the archives)