Don't Be Too Hard On Herman!

[We join a news conference of the "Vote for Bart" campaign in progress]
REPORTER: So, why are you coming out in support of Mr. Cain this week, Professor?

PROFESSOR BART: My campaign staff wanted me to remain quiet, but I simply felt like I must speak out. As a fellow candidate for the 2012 Presidential election, I can sympathize with the problems that Herman Cain has been having. First, the man is going to be 66 years old this December. So, we need to be a little more understanding. It's hard for us of the older generation to remember why we left one room and wandered into another let alone things that happened several years ago. When Herman says he can't remember if it was one, two, or ten women that he harassed, why can't we just accept that statement instead of continuing to badger him. I think it's all a trumped up plot of the liberal news media anyway...or perhaps the campaigns of some of my other opponents...Rumney and Peery, most likely.

REPORTER: Don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Who?

REPORTER: I said, don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Oh...yes, Romney and Perry. But I thought we were talking about Harry Cahn's campaign and his trouble with smoking. I don't smoke myself, but if Harry wants to smoke in his ads, he ought to have the protection of the 35th amendment.

REPORTER: I'm sorry Professor, but did you mean Herman Cain? And I don't think there is a 35th amendment. And I thought we were discussing sexual harassment, not smoking.

PROFESSOR BART: I'm not sure why you keep changing the subject on me. Just typical news media tactics, I suppose. But let me be clear on this...I don't support sexual harassment, I have never been accused of it, and to be perfectly honest, I... (the professor pauses, leans over to his staffer standing next to him, and whispers: "Can you remind me what we were talking about.")

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]

Governor Rick Perry Enters the Race

VOTE FOR BART

It has been an exciting week on the campaign trail. I am sure all of you noticed that our campaign was not mentioned among those competing in the Iowa straw poll. We actually were written in on several ballots, but for some reason...we suspect collusion among the media outlets as the culprit...our vote total was not reported. But if you add up the totals for all of the other candidates, you will see that about 6% of the vote total is unaccounted for. That's almost double the votes for some of the other candidates, so we are not feeling too bad about the outcome.

The entrance of Gov. Rick Perry of Texas into the race has complicated things a bit. First of all, he seems to be almost a clone of Mitt Romney...nice hair, good looks, etc...you know the type. I simply can't believe that voters would prefer a political clone like Perry over someone like me! Just look at my face (see above). My face has character and depth and lousy hair. And you certainly would never accuse me of having good looks.

Gov. Perry does seem to have quite widespread support. In fact, his support is so strong that he has decided to take on not only the other Republican candidates, but the whole scientific establishment as well. The news this morning reports that Governor Perry has rejected the notion of global warming. This is something that will certainly resonate with the voting populace, who are perfectly happy with the climate the way it is. It is so refreshing to see that someone out there is willing to stand up and say "enough already!" Besides, it was way too cold in my home state this year for any of us to believe in global warming. I've never really believed in the theory of a round Earth either. Maybe, Gov. Perry can get that straightened out for us as well.

Now, lest you think that I am considering ending my campaign for president and jumping on the Perry bandwagon...consider again. I am in this for the long haul and even though Perry may have a good idea or two, I think we can certainly beat him at that game. Just this morning I have asked my staff to prepare a new campaign initiative on principles of science that we can reject. My personal favorite is gravity. I simply do not believe in it and I am sure that we will be able to find numerous scientists from whom we can extract statements of support for this. I mean, think about it! Scientists are asking us to believe that objects, even if we aren't touching them, are pulling on us. Preposterous! To me this sounds no more believable than Harry Potter and his magical friends at Hogwarts. In fact, I think there might be something to this magic stuff. Why once when I was a kid I thought I actually made an acorn fall off of a tree and hit Biggy Thorman right on the head.

At any rate, you will be seeing lots more of this debunking of poorly supported scientific claims. Gravity is just the start. I mean can you see gravity? Can you smell it? Hear it? Taste it? Absolutely not! Sometimes you might think you feel something like gravity, but I'll bet there are a dozen other explanations for it. So, get the word out...gravity is a much bigger issue than global warming. This is one area where Governor Perry is going to have a difficult time keeping up with the "Vote for Bart" campaign.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President