Important Endorsements

The last week of the campaign is now upon us and here at the "Vote for Bart" campaign headquarters we are doing all we can to secure a victory. I'm pretty sure that my campaign staff has secured the Domino's Pizza endorsement based upon the number of pizza boxes I found in the trash this morning. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Why just this past week, we have obtained the endorsements of several other key individuals and groups and, I believe, that may be just enough to push us over the bar.

To give you a flavor for the kinds of endorsements we have received, let me drop a few names. The energy industry is solidly behind us now with key endorsements from D. Haddox, CEO with Ixxon, Inc. and P. Jensen, CFO of Archie Coal.

[aside to one of the campaign staff] What's that? You don't believe Haddox is the CEO?

Excuse me for a moment while I take care of a small matter of an overly ambitious fact checking accountant.

Okay. So technically, my staff tells me, I can't call Haddox the CEO just because he is a Continental Exploration Operative nor am I allowed to call Jensen the CFO when he is a Coal Finding Overseer, but I don't see why not. And they want me to point out that technically neither of them has endorsed me, but they are among my Facebook friends. However, these are minor details that don't really matter because of all the other endorsements the campaign has received. Here's a short list of just a few of them.

A. Wilde -- Popular newspaper writer and future national bestselling author

T. Johnson -- Renowned child psychologist and a shoe in for mother of the year

C. Humphreys -- Director of the Northern Utah Chapter of Grandmother's of America

L. Collyer -- La Canada California Branch of WOAL (pronounced like "wool" it's the Wives of American Lawyers society; a very appropriate name since a lawyer might be able to pull the wool over a judge's eyes now and then, but not over their wives, who see right through them)

I. Orr -- President of the Ridgecrest Chapter of the National Family History Association

K. and J. Zimbelman -- Co-chairs of AWADADL (pronounced Ah-wah-dah-dal, the Accountant's Wives and Daughters Anti-Defamation League)

J. Mower -- Winner of the "I've seen more places in Utah than anyone else" award for ten years running

M. Stephenson -- Acclaimed Hollywood costume designer and movie star (I know for a fact that she was the reason most people went to see High School Musical XXVIII)

S. Hicks -- I'm not sure what organization she represents, but I understand that she represents them with great enthusiasm

B. Stephenson -- Famous musician and song writer, well known for his superb artistic interpretation of any music written for the ukelele

J. C. Kowallis -- World renowned for her research on pre-scholastic movement and music published in the highest quality venues. (This was a difficult endorsement to pull off, but when my staff threatened to publicly reveal that she is also this candidate's wife, she...what do you mean, I wasn't supposed to say that...oh, yes...well just ignore that last remark about her being the wife of anyone.)

At any rate, this is an impressive list of endorsements and there are more, my staff assures me, coming in the few days left before the election. So, we are quite upbeat here at campaign headquarters. And we just want to thank you all and encourage you to get out and "Vote for Bart!"

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect]

Time to Get the Campaign Rolling Again!

My dear friends and supporters -- After taking the summer off to recover from trouble brought on by some meddlesome doctors (and also to allow my competitors time to thoroughly beat up on themselves) I am back. The VOTE FOR BART campaign is moving forward. Interestingly, my absence over the summer does not seem to have had much of an impact. In fact, I wonder if my competitors, Gov. Romney and Pres. Obama, had taken a break like I did, would the voters not be in a better mood with the election approaching? The answer to that question is so obvious that I won't even bother to answer.

However, facts are facts (except of course when they're not). What I mean to say is that the race is still wide open, and you–the faithful who have continued to support my campaign, even when I had given up on it myself–are the ones who will decide the outcome of this race.

Amazingly, the latest poll numbers look good. In the key swing voter towns of Avoca, Iowa and Pine Bush, New York the election is close: Obama 22%, Romney 22%, Pat Paulsen 22%, Ross Perot 22%, George McGovern 22%, undecided 22%, and Bart 0.22%.

At first, we were rather disappointed in these poll numbers because we were pretty sure that Pat Paulsen was dead and that George McGovern was pretty close to dead as well. It didn't seem quite fair that they had as many 2's in their poll numbers as we did. However, after looking more closely at the overall picture, it seems obvious that our supporters are reluctant to "tip their hand" to the pollsters. They are, as we have suspected for some time, waiting to cast their ballot in November rather than become party to the pre-election guessing game that entangles so many campaigns. Besides, if the voters are really that anxious to cast their ballot for a dead or nearly dead person, why then I'm their man. Just ask anyone who has had to sit next to me in one of our university committee meetings. I can compete with the best of the really dead ones.

So, get out there and put up those lawn signs. Help get the word out that the VOTE FOR BART campaign is headed for victory in November...particularly if I can remember to get my absentee ballot request in.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect]

Vote for Bart! - The Cortisone Effect

My presidential campaign has been on hold for some time now. I'm basically waiting for the other candidates to destroy themselves and then I can step in as the only viable candidate. And besides, when I didn't get any delegates in Wyoming I knew it was time to re-evaluate. Maybe fire my campaign manager. (I decided that I shouldn't do that because my campaign manager was the only person who voted for me).

However, I want to assure all my loyal supporters that I have not forgotten them. And in fact I have discovered today a new tactic that helps me understand how Romney and Santorum are able to keep up the long campaign hours and never look tired, never look like they had a bad night's sleep, neer look like they ever had teenagers in their home, or a new born baby for that matter. These men look refreshed, coiffed, and always at their best.

Here was how I made this discovery. I have been having some foot problems (what? no I'm not talking about the smell...now let me tell my story). I went to see me orthopedist today because my ankles are not as lovely as they once were. Anyway, after suggesting that I allow him to rip my foot apart, put in a few screws, cut off a few edges, and then add some other assorted pieces of metal, he said that an alternative was to try some cortisone shots. I--even with my phobia of shots--voted for that over the screws and assorted pieces of metal. Well, let me tell you, when you're almost 60 and things are falling apart, try the cortisone. Here it is almost two in the morning, and I am feeling (and probably looking) a lot like Romney and Santorum. I have discovered the secret to their success...and now they'd better watch out.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no concrete proof that they are doping up on steroids, but I think the statistics speak for themselves. Delegate count: Romney 492; Santorum; 252; Gingrich 131; Paul 48; and Professor Bart 0 (well it's actually 1/2 delegate if you count the guy in Guam who mistakenly voted for me). How else could there be such a discrepancy? I have a better campaign platform than any of them. I have more character than all of them except perhaps Gingrich. And I have offered to give a free car to every American over the age of 20 and under the age of 80.

All I have to say is remember a guy named Bonds? Ben Johnson? Carl Lewis? How about McGwire? Sosa? Armstrong? East German women swimmers? I could keep on naming them but I think you get the idea. Did anyone really need to ask if they were using steroids, particularly those East German women swimmers? Well, just take a good look at the two Republican frontrunners next time you get a chance. I think the conclusion will be pretty obvious.

So, now I have joined the club. My only problem is figuring out a way to get these shots every day, rather than every 6 months. If I can do that--Watch Out Frontrunners! I'm going to run you over. Or at least waddle you over.

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]