Vote for Bart - The Campaign Heats Up!

I am certain that most of you caught my performance at the recent South Evangilina presidential debate. It was another instance of the liberal and conservative media trying to twist everything I said into bigotry and lies. For those of you who may have missed the debate, I have asked my staff to provide you with a few essential excerpts here that show you the despicable, deplorable, downright dirty tactics taken by the media. It started right with the first question of the debate, which was directed at me.

Moderator: Professor, is has been reported in the news today that you have been married to the same woman for over 32 years? Would you care to respond to this claim.

Professor: No...but I will. I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic such as that! I think the destructive, vicious, dog-eat-dog, dirty, negative, under-the-table, horrific, muck-raking nature of most of the media makes it harder to...what? [a member of the Professor's staff has just slipped him a note] Oh, excuse me, I think my cue cards got mixed up. Ah, here we are. Yes, yes it's true...I have been married to the same woman for over 32 years. Something I am very proud of. This is definitive, complete, and positive proof that I am a man of family values, of moral dimension, and that I am deeply involved in the human conversation. How can anyone be married for over 32 years and not be deeply involved in the human conversation.

Moderator: Thank you Professor. As a follow up question -- It has also been reported by your wife of 32 years on a competing network that you regularly wash dishes, iron your own shirts, and make your own lunch. Would you care to respond to these allegations?Professor: No...but I will. I am disgusted that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic such as this! Oh, excuse me, I think I said that already. Ah, yes...here we are. The media continues to make it harder and harder to keep our private lives under the covers...no, wait a minute...that didn't sound right. What I mean to say is that they make it harder to be a governor, and I intend to be a great governor when I am elected president! What? No, I'm not running for Governor...I'm running for president. But listen here Bill...to take a wife of 32 years and make things like this an issue in a presidential campaign is as close to despicable as I can imagine. Although I do think that the movie "Despicable Me" came pretty close to what I would imagine. And it is true that I do not have a very good imagination. Nonetheless, this is utterly despicable!

Moderator: As you know Professor, this was not something that came from my own network, but it is something that has been reported on the campaign. I get your point. I want to assure you that I get your point.Professor: Bill...Bill...it was reported and repeated on your network. You chose to start this debate with it. Don't you dare try to pass this off onto someone else. You are in bed with the rest of the media and I am not going to tolerate this kind of behavior in a presidential debate where we should be talking about the economy, world peace, and family values. You and all the rest of the media keep throwing up this smokescreen of nonsense and sensationalizing the trivial details of our personal lives, all the while ignoring the true issue of who is the fittest among the contenders to lead the country. The fittest is obviously me. Me! It should be obvious to everyone. I am an angry, anti-establishment, non-insider insider who knows more about the workings of Washington than any of my establishment, insider opponents. I have never dirtied my hands in the cesspool of capitalism! I have never trampled over the rights of the common working class. No! I am just a "Regular Joe" like all of these great people here in South Evangilina, who don't care in the least if there are some blemishes on my personal life like fixing my own lunches. What they care about are issues, real issues. Issues like who should be allowed to move into their neighborhoods and which president has had the most counties names after him. These are issues I can fix if given your vote. So, let's get on with the debate and then elect a president who is neither a slimy amphibian nor an implement for catching baseballs. Elect me!

Don't Be Too Hard On Herman!

[We join a news conference of the "Vote for Bart" campaign in progress]
REPORTER: So, why are you coming out in support of Mr. Cain this week, Professor?

PROFESSOR BART: My campaign staff wanted me to remain quiet, but I simply felt like I must speak out. As a fellow candidate for the 2012 Presidential election, I can sympathize with the problems that Herman Cain has been having. First, the man is going to be 66 years old this December. So, we need to be a little more understanding. It's hard for us of the older generation to remember why we left one room and wandered into another let alone things that happened several years ago. When Herman says he can't remember if it was one, two, or ten women that he harassed, why can't we just accept that statement instead of continuing to badger him. I think it's all a trumped up plot of the liberal news media anyway...or perhaps the campaigns of some of my other opponents...Rumney and Peery, most likely.

REPORTER: Don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Who?

REPORTER: I said, don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Oh...yes, Romney and Perry. But I thought we were talking about Harry Cahn's campaign and his trouble with smoking. I don't smoke myself, but if Harry wants to smoke in his ads, he ought to have the protection of the 35th amendment.

REPORTER: I'm sorry Professor, but did you mean Herman Cain? And I don't think there is a 35th amendment. And I thought we were discussing sexual harassment, not smoking.

PROFESSOR BART: I'm not sure why you keep changing the subject on me. Just typical news media tactics, I suppose. But let me be clear on this...I don't support sexual harassment, I have never been accused of it, and to be perfectly honest, I... (the professor pauses, leans over to his staffer standing next to him, and whispers: "Can you remind me what we were talking about.")

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]

Tragedy in the Canyon

There are times, as we make our way through life, when we cannot escape the truth of our mortality. Yesterday, was one of those times. Out for an afternoon barbeque with friends, we were having a delightful time admiring the beautiful mountain scenery, the colors of the leaves, the crisp fall air, and the afterglow of a football victory. It seemed to be the perfect afternoon.

Unbeknownst to us, at 6:40 pm--just as we were getting up to say our goodbyes and return home--a train came to a sudden stop on the tracks crossing the only entrance or exit into our host's somewhat remote canyon subdivision. My wife, Julee, and I arrived at the tracks about 6:50 pm. There we found the stopped train blocking our exit. The train was a long one, stretching off beyond what I could see in both directions. The air was amazingly quiet...all I could hear was the sound of the late summer flow in the Spanish Fork River.

As I brought the car to a stop a few feet from the train, we saw someone on the other side of the train bending down and looking at something underneath. Then something else caught my eye...it appeared to be a mannequin wearing a red blouse. I climbed out of the car and walked a few feet closer to the tracks. That was when I realized the full horror and tragedy of the scene before us. What I had thought was perhaps a mannequin, was instead a young woman, her left leg severed just above the knee, her eyes open and staring at me...but with no hope of ever seeing the beauty of the mountains around us again. A second body lay lifeless, face down, a few yards farther east under the train.

The next few hours passed slowly. Friends, neighbors,...and family flooded to the scene. These were local youth from a small, close community. The wailing of both sirens and voices filled the evening air. We did not know the victims. We were not part of the family or even close neighbors. But the pain we felt for them was real and left us wondering what if...what if we had left the party 15 minutes earlier? Could we have warned the three youths to get away from the tracks? Could we have convinced them that it is always better to stay far away from danger...not to stand as close to it as you can?

I don't know the answers to these questions, and the fact remains that we did not leave the party in time to warn them. But I hope and pray that our wonderful young people...the ones on whom we place our hopes for the future...will remember and learn. Remember that it is not only their life, but future generations that depend upon them. Learn that the rush and exhilaration of the moment is not worth the life of pain and sorrow it may bring to those who love them.