Important Endorsements

The last week of the campaign is now upon us and here at the "Vote for Bart" campaign headquarters we are doing all we can to secure a victory. I'm pretty sure that my campaign staff has secured the Domino's Pizza endorsement based upon the number of pizza boxes I found in the trash this morning. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Why just this past week, we have obtained the endorsements of several other key individuals and groups and, I believe, that may be just enough to push us over the bar.

To give you a flavor for the kinds of endorsements we have received, let me drop a few names. The energy industry is solidly behind us now with key endorsements from D. Haddox, CEO with Ixxon, Inc. and P. Jensen, CFO of Archie Coal.

[aside to one of the campaign staff] What's that? You don't believe Haddox is the CEO?

Excuse me for a moment while I take care of a small matter of an overly ambitious fact checking accountant.

Okay. So technically, my staff tells me, I can't call Haddox the CEO just because he is a Continental Exploration Operative nor am I allowed to call Jensen the CFO when he is a Coal Finding Overseer, but I don't see why not. And they want me to point out that technically neither of them has endorsed me, but they are among my Facebook friends. However, these are minor details that don't really matter because of all the other endorsements the campaign has received. Here's a short list of just a few of them.

A. Wilde -- Popular newspaper writer and future national bestselling author

T. Johnson -- Renowned child psychologist and a shoe in for mother of the year

C. Humphreys -- Director of the Northern Utah Chapter of Grandmother's of America

L. Collyer -- La Canada California Branch of WOAL (pronounced like "wool" it's the Wives of American Lawyers society; a very appropriate name since a lawyer might be able to pull the wool over a judge's eyes now and then, but not over their wives, who see right through them)

I. Orr -- President of the Ridgecrest Chapter of the National Family History Association

K. and J. Zimbelman -- Co-chairs of AWADADL (pronounced Ah-wah-dah-dal, the Accountant's Wives and Daughters Anti-Defamation League)

J. Mower -- Winner of the "I've seen more places in Utah than anyone else" award for ten years running

M. Stephenson -- Acclaimed Hollywood costume designer and movie star (I know for a fact that she was the reason most people went to see High School Musical XXVIII)

S. Hicks -- I'm not sure what organization she represents, but I understand that she represents them with great enthusiasm

B. Stephenson -- Famous musician and song writer, well known for his superb artistic interpretation of any music written for the ukelele

J. C. Kowallis -- World renowned for her research on pre-scholastic movement and music published in the highest quality venues. (This was a difficult endorsement to pull off, but when my staff threatened to publicly reveal that she is also this candidate's wife, she...what do you mean, I wasn't supposed to say that...oh, yes...well just ignore that last remark about her being the wife of anyone.)

At any rate, this is an impressive list of endorsements and there are more, my staff assures me, coming in the few days left before the election. So, we are quite upbeat here at campaign headquarters. And we just want to thank you all and encourage you to get out and "Vote for Bart!"

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect]

Politicians Love a Parade

I hope you will all be watching for the "Vote for Bart" campaign in Monday's 24th-of-July parade. I don't know yet if we will actually make it into the parade, but the campaign staff is hopeful. We do have a few minor problems to hurdle first, however. The first problem is that we've had some trouble lining up a limo. The last I heard, we had been offered an old lime-green VW bug with pink flowers on the doors...hardly appropriate for a distinguished politician such as myself.

But the parade...ah, now every politician loves a parade, and I am no exception. Thousands of voters lining the streets just waiting to shake your hand...with their hand that probably hasn't been washed in a week or perhaps was just used to wipe their nose, or who knows what else.

And then there's the babies. You have to kiss the babies, I suppose. Not that I don't love babies, you understand, it's just the thought of what else has been touching those little cheeks...or what might still be hanging from their little noses.

Oh...and I forgot the horsey stuff...you know what I mean. I just don't know what I would do if I got stuck behind a bunch of horses. Yes, they do try to clean it up...those little clowns following the horses and scooping it all up...but there is always some residue. And if the parade is moving too fast they just can't get it all.

Well perhaps, since we can't get the limo, we...and I hate to disappoint those of you who were counting on seeing me in the parade...we may not make it this year. But feel free to pass out some "Vote for Bart" fliers if you do go.

Election Endorsements

[We are at the headquarters of the "Vote for Bart" presidential campaign, where the professor has promised us an update on the progress of the campaign.]

Dear Friends and Supporters...It's wonderful to have a chance to visit with you again and reassure you that things are moving our way out on the campaign trail. It is an intense political campaign that you and I have undertaken, and I want you to know that I am deeply committed and totally devoted to this effort. I am spending at least five minutes every day (well, maybe it's every other day) to the "Vote for Bart" campaign and, this intensive effort is paying off...the campaign is gaining a lot of momentum. Why only this week we managed to pull in endorsements from several big names: the King of Norway, for example, along with the Mayors of Buffalo and Atlanta. I don't think any other candidate can match that!

What?...one moment please, my committee wants a word with me...

It seems that the committee members feel that it might be important to mention that I was talking about Mr. Orville King who lives in Norway, Maine...I tried to explain that no one really cares which King of Norway it is...he is, after all a King and he lives in Norway. That is the absolute truth. And we think it is just possible that he may have endorsed me along with, as I previously mentioned, those great leaders of two of this nations most important cities.

What?...not again! One moment...I really must do something about this committee.

Okay...well, here it is. Apparently I was not completely clear about the mayors of Buffalo and Atlanta either. Although it is just a minor point, I should perhaps have noted that I was talking about Buffalo, South Carolina (pop. 1,569) and Atlanta, Illinois (pop. 1,616). I am sure that none of you would have mistaken for one minute my earlier remarks and thought that I was talking about Buffalo, New York and Atlanta, Georgia. There are some politicians who might try to mislead with statements like that, but you can be absolutely, 110% sure that I will never stoop to such tactics. Why only the other day, I was mentioning this very problem to my good friend and supporter Robert Downey, Jr. He agreed...

What? Please don't keep interrupting me...okay, so he's not exactly my friend...no, I haven't met him in person. But I am certain he would support our campaign...I mean, I did go to see Iron Man three times...and I bought the DVD. And what about the fact that I also went to Sherlock Holmes twice? Don't you think he'd take that into consideration? Don't you...

[It seems like this might be a good point to break off our interview with Professor Bart this week. Be sure to come back again for more updates as the "Vote for Bart" election campaign rolls across America.]