Bad News and Good News as the Campaign Winds Down

 I'm not going to try and sugar coat the news I have for all of my supporters today. That would be unfair to all of you and, in addition, I understand that sugar is not particularly healthy in combination with a diet that is already high in baloney. So, this is it. Due to a miscommunication with my staff, my name was, as you can see above, left off of the election ballot. Apparently, my staff spent all of the funds raised for the campaign on pizza and root beer for their campaign planning sessions and had nothing left to pay the fees needed to get my name on the ballot.

I learned of this devastating development only this week when I received my absentee ballot in the mail and found that Roseanne Barr was on the ballot, but not Professor Bart. In fact, you can vote for Roseanne in any of the states shown on the map below. I have been deeply involved in this presidential race, as you all know, but I was unaware that Roseanne was also running. Had I known, Roseanne was in the race, I would probably have withdrawn long ago. I mean, how can any of the candidates compete with someone as knowledgeable, well-liked, and unbiased as Ms. Barr.

So, that is the bad news. The good news is that I had a revelation while filling out my ballot. There was no one running for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Therefore, I am encouraging all of my supporters to write me in for Chief Justice. Since no one else is running, I am certain to win. I look forward to greeting all of you next Wednesday morning as your new...Uh, hold on for a moment. One of my staff is trying to tell me something, but he has too much pizza in his mouth...[what do you mean, we don't elect a Chief Justice. You don't think they just let those bozos in Washington pick who they want, do you!]

Please, forgive me for that interruption and ignore anything you might hear from my former staffers (I just fired them all). Now get out there on election day and "Vote for Bart."

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President, The Cortisone Effect, Let's Get the Campaign Rolling, Important Endorsements]