My dear friends and supporters, I have been so busy out on the campaign trail that I have not taken the time I should have to keep you up to date on how things are going.
You might perhaps have noticed that I was not present at any of the recent debates. I actually went to New York City last week to participate in one of these, but learned upon arriving that the debate was in California. The trip was not a total loss, however, because I was able to hold a vigorous debate with a cab driver about the best way to get from Central Park to the Empire State Building...and I think I can say that without a doubt, I was the clear winner. Of course, I didn't really understand what the cab driver was saying because he wasn't speaking English. In fact, I'm not sure anyone in New York City actually speaks English anymore.
On the return trip from New York, however, I had time to ponder the best plan for moving up in the polls this Fall. And it occurred to me that Fall...besides being a great time to roast chestnuts, rake leaves, and watch football...it also hunting season. What better way could there be to grab the attention of the voting public than to go on a hunting trip. It is just so...American! It doesn't hurt that there are 47 million Americans that love to go hunting and fishing.
Besides this approach has a proven track record. How else can you explain the fact the George W. Bush beat Al Gore? Bush went hunting and Gore did not. According to James A Swan in the National Review, almost all of our presidents have gone hunting. John Kerry pretended to go hunting, but everyone saw right through that.
This will not be a problem for me. I have a long and glorious tradition of hunting. Well...to be honest, I haven't actually been hunting in over 25 years, but I used to hunt...or at least I tried to hunt. There was that time I went grouse hunting with my dad and forgot to wear my corrective eyewear. I was certainly close to hitting a grouse and the log I did shoot at looked an awfully lot like one.
Then there was the time I went deer hunting...also with my dad (hunting was kind of a dad sort of thing)...that time I actually got a deer even though I had again forgotten my corrective eyewear. I still believe that what I shot at was a four-point buck and that before I could get to him, someone else switched animals and replaced my buck with a zero-point doe.
Nonetheless, as you can see, I have a certified history of hunting. This, I believe, will sell well with the American public. So, don't be surprised if you see me out in the mountains this fall...let's see now...where did I put those glasses?
[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues,Vote for Bart, Mr. President, Governor Rick Perry Enters the Race]