Don't Be Too Hard On Herman!

[We join a news conference of the "Vote for Bart" campaign in progress]
REPORTER: So, why are you coming out in support of Mr. Cain this week, Professor?

PROFESSOR BART: My campaign staff wanted me to remain quiet, but I simply felt like I must speak out. As a fellow candidate for the 2012 Presidential election, I can sympathize with the problems that Herman Cain has been having. First, the man is going to be 66 years old this December. So, we need to be a little more understanding. It's hard for us of the older generation to remember why we left one room and wandered into another let alone things that happened several years ago. When Herman says he can't remember if it was one, two, or ten women that he harassed, why can't we just accept that statement instead of continuing to badger him. I think it's all a trumped up plot of the liberal news media anyway...or perhaps the campaigns of some of my other opponents...Rumney and Peery, most likely.

REPORTER: Don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Who?

REPORTER: I said, don't you mean Romney and Perry?

PROFESSOR BART: Oh...yes, Romney and Perry. But I thought we were talking about Harry Cahn's campaign and his trouble with smoking. I don't smoke myself, but if Harry wants to smoke in his ads, he ought to have the protection of the 35th amendment.

REPORTER: I'm sorry Professor, but did you mean Herman Cain? And I don't think there is a 35th amendment. And I thought we were discussing sexual harassment, not smoking.

PROFESSOR BART: I'm not sure why you keep changing the subject on me. Just typical news media tactics, I suppose. But let me be clear on this...I don't support sexual harassment, I have never been accused of it, and to be perfectly honest, I... (the professor pauses, leans over to his staffer standing next to him, and whispers: "Can you remind me what we were talking about.")

[If you have missed some of the earlier reports on the Vote for Bart campaign trail, you can find them in the archives: My Economic Plan, Election Endorsements, Campaign Fundraising, Ice Cream Politics, Politicians Love a Parade, Breaking News, Campaign Rumors, The Real Issues, Vote for Bart, Mr. President]

Tragedy in the Canyon

There are times, as we make our way through life, when we cannot escape the truth of our mortality. Yesterday, was one of those times. Out for an afternoon barbeque with friends, we were having a delightful time admiring the beautiful mountain scenery, the colors of the leaves, the crisp fall air, and the afterglow of a football victory. It seemed to be the perfect afternoon.

Unbeknownst to us, at 6:40 pm--just as we were getting up to say our goodbyes and return home--a train came to a sudden stop on the tracks crossing the only entrance or exit into our host's somewhat remote canyon subdivision. My wife, Julee, and I arrived at the tracks about 6:50 pm. There we found the stopped train blocking our exit. The train was a long one, stretching off beyond what I could see in both directions. The air was amazingly quiet...all I could hear was the sound of the late summer flow in the Spanish Fork River.

As I brought the car to a stop a few feet from the train, we saw someone on the other side of the train bending down and looking at something underneath. Then something else caught my eye...it appeared to be a mannequin wearing a red blouse. I climbed out of the car and walked a few feet closer to the tracks. That was when I realized the full horror and tragedy of the scene before us. What I had thought was perhaps a mannequin, was instead a young woman, her left leg severed just above the knee, her eyes open and staring at me...but with no hope of ever seeing the beauty of the mountains around us again. A second body lay lifeless, face down, a few yards farther east under the train.

The next few hours passed slowly. Friends, neighbors,...and family flooded to the scene. These were local youth from a small, close community. The wailing of both sirens and voices filled the evening air. We did not know the victims. We were not part of the family or even close neighbors. But the pain we felt for them was real and left us wondering what if...what if we had left the party 15 minutes earlier? Could we have warned the three youths to get away from the tracks? Could we have convinced them that it is always better to stay far away from danger...not to stand as close to it as you can?

I don't know the answers to these questions, and the fact remains that we did not leave the party in time to warn them. But I hope and pray that our wonderful young people...the ones on whom we place our hopes for the future...will remember and learn. Remember that it is not only their life, but future generations that depend upon them. Learn that the rush and exhilaration of the moment is not worth the life of pain and sorrow it may bring to those who love them.

Goldie Gooseberry and the Three Blackberries

Goldie Gooseberry and the Three Blackberries
(Another picture book story -- but this time there are pictures)

Once upon a time in the backyard berry patch, there lived a ripe, beautiful gooseberry named Goldie. Gooseberries, like Goldie, look sweet and beautiful on the outside, but inside they can be very sour.

One day Goldie rolled off of her bush…bump!
She should have gone straight back to her own bush, but…Goldie never did what she was supposed to do.

Instead, she wandered off until she came to a beautiful, sunny meadow. In the meadow, Goldie met a strange looking bug. “Eeewe! You look squishy. That’s yucky,” said Goldie.
“And good morning to you, miss,” said the bug. “I am a little different, but for someone like me, squishy is just what I want to be.”

Next Goldie followed a path into a forest of tall prickly sticks. “Ouch! That hurt,” said Goldie as she bumped into one of the prickly sticks.

“Hello,” said a big deep voice.
“Hello,” said a medium-sized voice.
“Go away,” said a little quiet voice.
“Who’s there,” demanded Goldie.
“Just us, the Three Blackberries” replied the voices. “You’d better go home,” they all said.

Goldie didn’t like being told what to do, so…she stayed and stared at the Three Blackberries.
“Eeewe! You’re creepy,” said Goldie.
“Well, we are a different color,” said Papa Blackberry.
“And we live in a different neighborhood,” said Mama Blackberry.
“Get lost,” said Baby Blackberry.

Goldie ignored Baby Blackberry and decided instead to climb up for a closer look.
“Be careful,” said Papa Blackberry.
“The thorns might hurt you,” said Mama Blackberry.
“Stay out of our bush,” said Baby Blackberry.
But Goldie didn’t listen to the Three Blackberries. She climbed higher and higher until she sat right down on Papa Blackberry’s branch. “Ugh!” It was too prickly.

Next she tried sitting on Mama Blackberry’s branch, but it was too slippery and she almost fell off. “You really need a new decorator,” said Goldie.
When she sat on Baby Blackberry’s branch, he said “Don’t touch my branch!”
But…she did anyway. It was very bouncy, so...Goldie started bouncing up and down until...she bounced right off of the branch and up...up...up into the air.

“Watch out,” said Papa Blackberry.
“Oh, dear,” said Mama Blackberry.
“Oops!” said Baby Blackberry.

Fortunately for Goldie, birds don’t like sour gooseberries and he spit her out. So...sometimes being sour isn’t necessarily all that bad.