More Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight

 
[Note: We return to the ISP Network for another episode of the "Yesterday" show hosted by Ichan S. Plurg, with his guests Dr. P. P. Phraan, the noted diet specialist, as well as 2016 presidential candidate, The Professor. For those of you who may have accidentally missed the first appearance of Dr. Phraan on the "Yesterday" show, we refer you to the transcript, which can be found at this LINK.]

Ichan: Welcome back viewers to the highest rated TV show in which I appear as the host. The latest Neilsen Ratings show that our viewership has now increased well into the double digits. Dozens of you are watching us every day. Remember to sign up now for our monthly newsletter for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all the inside information that we deliberately don't use on our shows, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my wife and kids, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular price. And don't forget you'll also be eligible for our drawing for free tickets to actually attend the show here in person. That's right the tickets are free! You will have to pay a small shipping fee. Now let's get on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome back.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Thank you Ichan. It is my pleasure to be with you. But did you have to invite bozo here to come back as well.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan, that is not very charitable of you. The Professor, as you know, is running for president again, and we thought it would be good for our viewers to see exactly why they don't want to vote for him. Besides, he is here to provide color commentary about your diet plans.

Dr. P. P.: I see. You could not find anyone else, I take it.

Ichan: Perhaps. Say...didn't you have some funny accent last time you appeared on the show?

Dr. P. P.: I might have.

Ichan: No problem, I think we've all tried out a few things like that. I once wore a non-designer shirt. It was just for a moment, mind you, and I didn't really get it all the way on. But yes we all have our little secrets. Why I believe that the Professor once stuck two dozen chewed pieces of bubble gum up his nose. Isn't that right Professor?

The Professor: No, Ichan, it was only one dozen and it was part of a very serious scientific experiment. And I believe that we got all but a couple pieces out completely.

Ichan: I don't know why we need to look any further for a good presidential candidate. I don't think any of the others can top that story. Maybe if Bill Clinton ran again he could come up with something, but he's already used up his two terms. But we are not really here to talk politics. We're here to find out more about the amazing guaranteed diet plans of Dr. Phraan. Last time he shared with us his revolutionary Cherry Gut and Butcher's diet plans––both guaranteed to cause weight loss or your money back. What else have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Phraan. Let's have some more of your incredible wisdom on dieting.

Dr. P. P.: Well, Ichan, you may have heard Doctor's and dieticians for years suggest that the best way to lose weight is to eat less––to take in fewer calories than you use. This we might call the "Standard Diet." The only problem with the Standard Diet is that it's boring. So, I have come up with what I call the "Amazingly Improved Standard Diet." It's really quite simple. You eat nothing. In just one month on this diet you can lose an incredible amount of weight. We are not sure just exactly how much a person might lose in a month, because we have not had any of our subjects on this diet survive that long, but the preliminary results are absolutely encouraging.

Ichan: So, you're saying that anyone can lose weight on this diet? What do you think Professor?

The Professor: I'm sure this diet is as deadly as Dr. Phraan suggests. I would...

Ichan: Recommend it? Wow! Another great endorsement from the Professor. What else have you got Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: Ichan, let me give you a few more of my revolutionary diet ideas. You've heard of people who get their stomach stapled so that it will not hold as much food?

Ichan: Yes.

Dr. P. P.: Well, I have a diet plan called the "Mouth Staples Diet." Rather than staple the stomach, you have your mouth stapled. It really cuts down on the calories and helps even more with inane dinner time conversation.

Ichan: That's fascinating, Dr. Phraan. Keep going.

Dr. P. P.: Doctors for years have been preaching the dietary benefits of exercise. I believe this is true, but in order to make it work well you can't just get on the treadmill for a few minutes a day. What you need to do is have yourself strapped to the treadmill and only be allowed off for a few minutes to use the bathroom each day. In just seven days, we believe, you could lose as much as 100% of your weight. We call it the "100% Treadmill Diet." For example, look at this happy participant in our trials.

Ichan: Incredible! So if I start at 200 lbs and lose 100% of my weight, how much would I weigh, Dr.?

Dr. P. P.: I can't give you an exact figure off the top of my head, Ichan. My math skills are a little rusty, but it would be a significant amount, I would guess that for you it would be 30...maybe 40 lbs.

Ichan: I had no idea that 100% would add up to that much, Dr. Phraan. These diet plans are simple phenomenal, don't you think so Professor?

The Professor: I simply must protest, Ichan. These diets are so incredibly..."

Ichan: Incredible! That's what I said, Professor. You must have drifted off again. I think we have time for one more, Dr. What else have you got?

Dr. P. P.: This one, Ichan, is one of my best. No matter how much you weigh, you will lose it all on this diet. I call it the "Free Fall Diet." I'm not sure why scientists, who have known about this for years, have not tried to market it. Here is the gist of the diet. Take a standard bathroom scale and tie it to your feet. Then have someone push you off of a tall cliff. You will see that, before you were pushed off of the cliff, the scale showed your normal amount of weight. But once you are in the air, the scale will read zero weight. You've "Lost it All on the Free Fall." That's our catchy little jingle to go with the ad campaign we are planning. These pictures give you an idea of how thin and happy people are on this diet.

Ichan: I simply do not know what to say, Dr. Another home run. Wow! Audience what do you think?

[Loud clapping and cheering from the audience.]

Ichan: And what about you Professor. You can't top that, I'll bet.

The Professor: No, Ichan. I can't. But I do wonder what happens when you hit the ground.

Ichan: You are always such a nit-picker about the details, Professor. Well, that's all the time we have for today. So, thank you Dr. Phraan. We hope to get you back again sometime. And to you viewers listening in, remember that we do not specifically endorse any product or procedure, even when they sound as good as these diets by Dr. P. P. Phraan. Be sure to come back tomorrow for more of the "Yesterday" show here on the ISP Network.

My First Racoon!

As some of you may know, I have had my share of troubles with raccoons over the years. I mean there was the time one tore a hole in my roof and decided to have a family in our attic. Then there are the many, many years of lost grapes, peaches, tomatoes, corn, birdseed, etc. My yard is like an open buffet for the critters. Well, I have finally had it! A couple of weeks ago I stood looking out my bedroom window while one of them laughed at me as it downed handfuls of seed out of the bird feeder. So, I ordered a trap. Yes, I know you are going to think me cruel and inhumane to be catching those cute little fuzzy things. But to me they are "enemy no. 1."

After ordering the trap...which is an awesome looking device  (see below) that could probably even catch the odd child that still dares to cross through my backyard...yes, well, after ordering the trap, I went to the internet and watched several videos on how best to snag a raccoon. It seemed pretty straightforward. Put the bait in the trap and wait overnight. In the morning go out and you'll have your first raccoon.

 I was so excited to get up this morning and check the trap. From the kitchen window I could see that the trap was sprung, so there was a good chance I had one. Quickly putting on my shoes, I marched up to the row of trees along the back of the yard where I had put the trap. Sure enough, I had a raccoon! The only problem was that his coloring was a bit different than the pictures I had seen. I think it must have been part albino or something because it was a kind of light yellow color. But it sure hissed at me as I approached. After realizing that this was perhaps a rare type of raccoon, and not the one I had seen eating my bird seed, I released it back to the wild. I was lucky it did not scratch me to pieces as it took off. So, I'll go back and give it another try, but just so you can see that I am not lying to you about this, I have provided a picture of the vicious creature below.

Two of the Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Weight Loss Programs

[Note: Our presidential candidate for the 2016 elections, the Professor, has been asked today to lend his expertise on the ISP Network's prime-time show "Yesterday" hosted by TV and opinion magnate Ichan S. Plurg. The Professor believes this will be a defining moment in the campaign. We join the show as it begins.]

Ichan: Welcome dieters! Welcome everyone! You are in for a treat today. We have as our guests here on the ISP's flagship show the world famous–and that may be overstating it a bit–Dr. P. P. Phraan, M.D., D.D.S., J.D., Ph.D., M.S., B.S., J.V.C., Q.T., and many more, as well as the Professor, who I understand is running again for the presidency. What is this, Professor? Like the 300th time?

Professor: No, Ichan. I realize it may seem like...

Ichan: Well never mind. We are not really here today on the "Yesterday" show to talk about your failed attempts to win the nomination. No, today, we are here on "Yesterday" to meet Dr. P. P. Phraan and to discuss his new diet sensation book, The Top 20 Absolute, Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight. Dr. Phraan come on up!

[Cheers from the audience]

Ichan: As Dr. Phraan makes his way up to the stage, let me remind you audience members and also those of you listening and watching at home that on this show we provide only the facts, along with our own insightful commentary. And if you would like a transcript of today's "Yesterday" show you'll find it on our website in the member's only section. Join up now for only $19.99 a month. You'll get access to all of our shows, including the transcripts, along with additional insightful analysis from me, pictures of my childhood, miscellaneous worthless souvenirs, and lots of other cool ISP merchandise all for only 10% mark-up over the regular non-member price. Plus you will be able to order the free tickets (*tickets are free, shipping is a minimum of $30) to actually attend the show here in person. Well, enough about me...actually you can never get enough of me...but we must go on with the show. Dr. Phraan, welcome.

Dr. P. P. Phraan: Tank you. Eet ez my pleazure to be vit you here on "Yesterday."

Ichan: Dr. Phraan, just for the benefit of our audience, do the initials P. P. stand for anything?

Dr. Phraan: No. My parents tot eet would be better for my career to not have a given name.

Ichan: Wow! So, how could any parent name their child P. P.? That must have made for some interesting times on the playground.

Dr. Phraan: I don't know vat you mean, and besides I tot dat ve vere here to discuss my book.

Ichan: Yes we are, but just one more question first. Aren't you from Iowa?

Dr. Phraan: Yes, and your point ez vat?

Ichan: I've been to Iowa a few times and I've never met anyone who talks like you, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Only ze vell educated ones speak dis vay, and belief me der are not dat many of us in Iowa. I am, you see, unique, unlike theez other bozo you have sitting here on ze couch.

Ichan: Now, Dr. Phraan. This other bozo is the Professor. He's running for president again and he will be helping me to evaluate the truthfulness of the claims in your book. I picked up a copy of the book yesterday for "Yesterday," but I haven't actually been able to get past the first couple of pages myself. That's where the Professor will come in with insightful comments on your diets.

Professor: Yes, Ichan. I would like to....

Ichan: Not now Professor, we'll be right back after this word from our ISP sponsor for today's program–Broadwire College, owned and operated by me.

[Break for commercial. Mr. Plurg flirts with a pretty woman on the front row while the Professor and Dr. P. P. Phraan glare at each other.]

Ichan: AND WE'RE BACK! So, Dr. Phraan let's begin by digging right into the meat of the book. Your twenty guaranteed ways to lose weight. I'm all ears! No, really I'm not. I know some people who are all ears or ear hair, like the Professor here, but that would not be me. Still, go ahead with the book.

Dr. Phraan: Tank you Mr. Splurg. Ze idea for ze book came to me one day vile I vas picking cherries as a boy. I vould eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and then eat a cherry and den pick a cherry and den...

Ichan: I think we get the idea, doctor. You were picking and eating. Go on.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, after a while, no matter how many cherries I ate, more of them...vell, you know vat I mean.

Ichan: No, I don't think I do, doctor.

Dr. Phraan: Vell, cherries, you see, pass through ze bowel very quickly. So I could not eat as many as passed on through and I vas losing veight. Dis vas ze discovery of ze first of my 20 guaranteed diets. I call dis ze "Cherry Gut Diet." And I promise eet vill vork. Ze diet consists of only eating healthy cherries for all three meals daily. Dey should be ze nice sweet ones, not those sour kinds.

Ichan: Do they need to be organic?

Dr. Phraan: Dat would be helpful because ze turkey manure dey use to spray ze organic trees vit may further stimulate ze bowel.

Ichan: Professor, any particular insights into this Cherry Gut Diet?

Professor: Well, I think it could be...

Ichan: Thanks, Professor. That's quite and endorsement for Diet #1, doctor. Let's move on to number two.

Dr. Phraan: Diet number two ez even better. I call et ze "Butcher's Diet" and eet ez perhaps ze most effective of any of ze diets. Losing veight ez simply a matter of choices. Some choices are easy, like eating cherries. Some are hard, like ze Butcher's Diet. Ze difference ez dat vit ze Butcher's Diet, you vill not have to vorry about gaining ze veight back. To implement ze diet, go down to your local butcher shop and ask zem to please cut off one of your arms or legs. Eet ez best to have ze appropriate medical staff on hand. Once the appendage is cut off, you vill have permanently lost a considerable amount of ze veight. It vill not easily return.

Ichan: It sounds somewhat dangerous–drastic even. Don't you think so Professor? Oh dear, the Professor has passed out. Someone get a glass of water over here to throw at him. No! I didn't mean to throw the glass, just the water. Ouch! That's going to make a nasty bruise.

[The Professor sits back up rubbing his left eye.]

Ichan: I am afraid doctor that we have cruised right through our time for today. I had hoped to get through the first five of your incredible diets, but the others will have to wait for next time. Audience please give a big hand to our fascinating guest, Dr. P. P. Phraan. Come back tomorrow for more "Yesterday" when we will cover more of Dr. Phraan's revolutionary diets. And don't forget to stop by our website at ISP.com for all of our great products and merchandise.

[Back at the Professor's campaign headquarters, the staff is cheering. The Professor made it through the entire show without one major political blunder.]

Why Have Scientists Not Warned Us About DHMO!

As part of my next Presidential election campaign, I have, as some of you are aware, been delving into the world of Alternative Medicine (AM). After all at least 40% of Americans use AM. I personally think it is much higher and am staking the next election on bringing the AM devotees into the fold. I'm even thinking of adopting the campaign slogan: "Vote for the Professor, he's a mighty snappy dresser, and he supports AM, when other candidates say it's a sham." The slogan is a bit long, but very catchy. We are working now with a popular musician to develop a jingle. I can't tell you who the musician is but his intitials are J.B. and I am told that this collaboration will be a win-win for both of us.

Well, enough about that. Tonight I am happy to report that I have here with me at The Professor's campaign headquarters one of the preeminent doctors of AM–Dr. B.Y. Acrock. Dr. Acrock was one of the first to point out the hazards of a common chemical, DHMO, used in almost all forms of conventional medical therapy.

Professor: Dr. Acrock can you tell us a bit more about the dangers of DHMO?

Dr. Acrock: Yes, professor. I'd be happy to. This chemical is one that is used in almost every medical procedure. I first started raising the warning flag back in 1989 after a report by three students (Eric Lechner, Lars Norpchen and Matthew Kaufman) at the University of California-Santa Cruz was distributed using fliers scattered around the campus and warning of this terrible chemical.

Professor: Can you give us some idea of the health problems associated with this chemical?

Dr. Acrock: Of course, professor. And this is just a small list of some of its terrible side effects, and here I quote from a respected journalist, Karl Kruszelnicki, who tried to raise the alarm about DHMO again in 2005. He wrote, "Consider the chemical DiHydrogen MonOxide, usually called DHMO. It's found in many different cancers, but there's no proven causal link between its presence and the cancers in which it lurks - so far. The figures are astonishing - DHMO has been found in over 95% of all fatal cervical cancers, and in over 85% of all cancers collected from terminal cancer patients. Despite this, it is still used as an industrial solvent and coolant, as a fire retardant and suppressant, in the manufacture of biological and chemical weapons, in nuclear power plants - and surprisingly, by elite athletes in some endurance sports. However, the athletes later find that withdrawal from DHMO can be difficult, and sometimes, fatal. Medically, it is almost always involved in diseases that have sweating, vomiting and diarrhoea as their symptoms."

Professor: This is astounding. What have the U.S. government, the president, the governors, the senate, the house been doing to stop the use of this malignant stuff?

Dr. Acrock: This is the absolutely incredible part of the story, professor. None of these have done anything. They seem to be turning their back on this crisis and we continue to find this chemical used almost everywhere. Lechner, one of the original discoverers of the problem, made a list of where it was being used and again this is just the tip of the iceberg. He indicated that our water system has been contaminated with this hazardous chemical. It is used as an industrial solvent and coolant, and in the production of styrofoam, pesticides, most poisons, and many other dangerous materials. It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants, contributes to the corrosion of our natural surroundings, can cause severe burns, contributes to global warming, and may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle 'Challenger.' It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. Large quantities of it have been found in our lakes, rivers, and oceans. No current form of purification can eliminate the threat even though our government claims to have spent billions of dollars in an attempt to control it. Most insidiously, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it every day through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many are storing large quantities for later use. The current administration has not dealt with the problem or with production, distribution, and use of this damaging chemical, most likely due to economic reasons and high-profile special interest groups.

Professor: Dr. Acrock, you and your associates in AM can rest assured that, if elected, I will make this problem a top priority. Now once again, for the record, what is this terrible chemical?

Dr. Acrock: It's called Dihydrogen Monoxide, or shortened to DHMO.

Professor: And what would be the chemical formula for this dangerous material? Would that be HHO or H2O?

Dr. Acrock: We prefer HHO, professor or, as I stated above DHMO. These designations seem to resonate more with the general public.

Professor: Well, thank you again, doctor. I certainly hope we can get you back here at campaign headquarters for another illuminating discussion on the dangers of the chemical industry and science in general.

Dr. Acrock: Any time, professor. I have some special cures I want to discuss with you that use natural spring water as the base. They are effective for a wide range of conditions and could save the country millions in health care costs.

Professor: Did you say they were water based?

I am afraid that Dr. Acrock did not get to answer my last question as he was rushing off to another engagement where he plans to continue to raise the DHMO alarm. He recommended that all of us peruse the DHMO Research website, which contains a considerable amount of additional information on this chemical hazard.

Health Crisis? Not on My Watch!

Here is another issue I promise to work on if elected as your president in 2016. Alternative Medicine. I think it's criminal the way the medical establishment has treated these promising and obviously better methods for solving the nation's health crisis. Why are we still using the stone age medical techniques promoted by doctors, when we can have modern medical treatment from people who have no training in medicine, no understanding of science, and no evidence that their therapies work at all?

What? Excuse me for a moment please...

I apologize for the brief delay, but some of my staff feel that I should strike that last sentence from the record. They think people might be offended by my honest statement of fact. But I know better. Why, the American people are searching for alternative therapies and they want to be sure that nobody who has any knowledge of medicine or science has anything to do with those therapies. Why else would they be using them in the first place? Just mention the word "doctor" or "science" in a group of regular Americans and you'll see what I mean.

There are some who are trying to make Alternative Medicine more sciencey (I'm not sure that sciencey is a word, but it sounds good, so I'm going to use it). The government, who can always be trusted, has a National Center for Complementary Medicine. Certain Senators felt that this sort of thing was necessary to provide equal time and money for these unscientific therapies. We wouldn't want them to feel that they were not loved, not valued. I believe this is a very good example of what government should do. In fact, we should increase our spending in this obviously valuable and unproven area.

Some people are truly getting on the bandwagon, so to speak, with Alternative Medicine. Take, for example, Everglades University.  Their advertisement for the Bachelor of Science degree in Alternative Medicine reads, "Nearly 40% of Americans use complementary and alternative healing methods in some capacity to improve general health. At Everglades University, our Bachelor of Science degree program in Alternative Medicine can help you break into this emerging industry and explore the exciting field of alternative medicine."

Imagine that! 40% of Americans are using Alternative Medicine. I think that's enough to swing the election my way and that is why I am getting on the A.M. bandwagon. I promise, if elected, to require all health care providers to use nothing but homeopathy, chiropractic, acupunture, herbal medicine, crystal therapy, Vitamin-O, ionized water, and any other unproven, non-scientific, non-evidence-based method that is available and get rid of all the old drugs and vaccines and fancy machines that you find in most doctor's offices. Think of the billions of dollars we will save the country by using these cheaper alternatives. And we can do away with health insurance, because I have been assured by the best A.M. practitioners that they can cure any health issue–not just ameliorate them, but cure them.

Homeopathy, for instance has cures for almost any condition and the best part is that these cures only require a bit of sugar and/or a few drops of water. That's all. No actual medicine is involved. None. It's natural, it's cheap, and it must be effective because millions of people world-wide rely on it.

I can see it now–I'll be the first president in U.S. history to provide free health care to every American and balance the budget at the same time. Why the other candidates have not jumped on this is beyond me. Tell your friends and get the word out. And please let them know that no actual doctors or scientists will be used or harmed in this national health-care experiment.