The Professor is Back

 

 

NEWS CONFERENCE WITH THE PROFESSOR

Professor: My fellow earthlings. It is my pleasure today to announce that my campaign for President...that's President of the Universe...is going well. As you may recall, I have attempted on other occasions to run for President of the United States, but have been foiled in my attempt by others with better hair styles. This will not be a problem in running for President of the Universe because, as far as I can tell, I am the only candidate.

Newsperson #1: Professor, what will be the main points of your campaign. What issues will you tackle in your run for President of the Universe?

Professor: I have a killer platform that will be hard to beat. In fact, there has never been a platform as great as mine and have you seen the crowds at my recitals...no, no, that's not it. What do you call those things when I get up on a podium and tell jokes to the crowds? Oh yes, my...my...no matter, it escapes me at the moment, but my crowds are enormous. Why at the last one I couldn't see more that a couple feet in front of me.

Newsperson #2: Might I remind you professor that your last rally was held in a broom closet.

Professor: Ah, yes. That's what you call them. Rallies. Mine are huge. And I want you all to know that my opponents are all idiots. My brain is ten times...no, a thousand times as big and smart as theirs.

Newsperson #1: But Professor, you said just moments ago that you don't have any opponents for this election. And how is someone supposed to vote for you anyway? 

Professor: Now, that is an important question. But first I want to state emphatically that there will be cheating and massive voter fraud during the election. They'll be using those damn machines imported from Burkina Faso to count the votes and as I discovered on my old Twitter account, Burkina Faso doesn't make voting machines. So, this is all some big scam put together by the Martians. And speaking of Martians, I promise that I won't let them continue to import that red dust with impunity. I plan to raise the import tariffs on all interplanetary dust, excepting, of course, Moon dust because we all know how poor the Moonies are. Always begging for donations at airports and ski resorts. I've even donated to them myself when I have found I carried a bit of change. Not that I would do this very often, mind you. Free handouts just encourage crime...the worst kinds of crime...like bending the corners over on the pages of borrowed books or flossing your teeth in public with one of those quirky little flossing sticks.

Newsperson #3: Professor, this is all very interesting, but could you give us your position on the economy? How do you propose to stimulate the economy?

Professor: Never you mind about that. I have a plan for the economy. A very sound, very important, very big plan. The best plan that has ever been put forward. Even Michael Scott has never had a plan so completely fabulous.

Newsperson #3: Professor, you do realize that Michael Scott is a fictional character, don't you?

Professor: What do you mean--fictional? I saw him just last night on TV. You can't tell me that's fictional. Why I'll bet you don't believe that Martians eat dirt. I've seen multiple reports of this and it is truly disgusting. When I am elected President of the Universe, I promise to make dirt eating illegal...unless of course the dirt eaters wish to vote for me, then I would have to reconsider this position. But let's get back to the important issues. The Universe is going to hell in a hand basket and my opponents claim everything is fine. How can they say everything is fine when we're still allowing kids to eat hot dogs and bologna? How can they claim everything is fine when Pluto has been reduced to something other that a regular planet? How can they claim the Universe is not in trouble when scientist are discovering hundreds of new planets every year? Can you imagine the influx of immigrants that will soon be swarming to earth, taking jobs that no earthling wants, and bringing with them interplanetary diseases and crime. Crime will triple...no quadruple...if the influx of extraterrestrials does not stop. I promise to build a solid fence around the entire earth to stop this flow of unhuman garbage.

Newsperson #2: Wow, Professor. I really don't know where to start in responding to all of that.

Professor: I know. It's just overwholming...or is it overwhelming? Just be assured that I have everything under control. I intend to Make the Universe Great Again...MUGA. Isn't that a great slogan. I came up with it myself and, if you are interested, I am selling hats, scarves, jackets, coins, photos, ties, shoes, kitchen appliances, and many other valuable, high-quality items emblazoned with MUGA. These items will go fast, so get your order in soon. Just Venmo $500 for each item directly to The Professor. You will never regret the purchase of a $500 MUGA hat. No time for more questions. I can see that some in my crowd are leaving...no, no, you didn't hear me say that. The crowd is just getting bigger and bigger so that we might have to move this news conference out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

An Interview with "Q"

As many of my loyal followers know, I have been politically active for many years, even having run for President a couple of times. What almost no one, not even my closest advisors, knows is that I have been working for the past four years as an advisor to President Trump and as his liaison to the mysterious and popular figure "Q." I admit, that when the President first approached me about the opportunity, I was not certain that having a former British intelligence officer tied to the US presidency was ideal, but I was assured that no one would connect the Q in QAnon with his former role as creator of fine gadgets for 007.

So, with that introduction, I am pleased today to be able to provide my readers with a closer look inside the mind of this fascinating man.

PROFESSOR: It is so nice to have this opportunity to visit in the open Q. We have spent several years now silently working in the background and your followers are eager to know more about the man.

Q: Now, you remember that we have agreed that you will not ask any hard questions.

PROFESSOR: Yes. We'll stick with the soft-ball questions. First, Q, how did you get into the unsubstantiated rumor business?

Q: Well, after MI6 replaced me with someone younger, I floundered around a bit before I discovered that the rumor business was pretty wide open. I mean with all of the new tools you Americans have provided for fostering this sort of thing, it just seemed like a natural sort of fit. Rather than create new gadgets and always let someone else get the girls and the glory, why not be the instigator myself.

PROFESSOR: I see...so why the US? Why not have stayed in the UK and helped Boris Johnson? He seems to be similar to President Trump in many ways.

Q: Yes, that may be true. But people in the US are just so much more gullible. They will believe almost anything I put out. For example, you remember the Pizza shop business we stirred up a while back. I had no idea that someone would actually buy into that rumor. Who in their right mind would believe that powerful Democrats were secretly having orgies with underage teens in the basement of a Pizza shop? I'm not sure it even had a basement.

PROFESSOR: Yes, we've pushed that rumor about as far as we can now, haven't we? The President was pleased to see how well that rumor took off. And besides, it did deflect some of the attention from his own links to that kind of business. But enough about the past. What are your plans going forward? How long can we continue to push the "stolen election" rumors?

Q: Well, you know the President. Once we give him a good rumor to run with, he is reluctant to let it go. I am sure he will still be putting the illegal ballots and stolen election rumors forward for many years to come. Wouldn't be surprised to see him start a new reality TV show around the idea. And we actually did find some fraudulent votes. Unfortunately, most of them were discovered in the trunk of Eric's car while it was parked outside of the Philadelphia election center. I'm not sure how he was planning to get those into the system, but details like that have never bothered the Trump boys.

PROFESSOR: But again, what are your plans now that we will apparently have a new president?

Q: To be honest, I haven't thought too much about it. I suspect I will take a bit of a vacation (I apologize to all those waiting to hear from me). And after that, who knows? Perhaps Nancy Pelosi could use a good person in the unsubstantiated rumor department. 

PROFESSOR: Well, it has been a pleasure to work with you for the last few years and I am sure we'll be hearing more from you in the future. Rumors and conspiracy theories are always in style.

A Campus Crisis

 

Yes, it's the Professor here. I know that many of you are still very disappointed that I did not make a better effort to capture the presidency in the last election. However, it was obvious to me that I did not have the right set of skills to compete with the eventual winner--our current president, Mr. Trump. He has intelligence, grace, and social skills, combined with a temperament, never before seen in a leader of the free world, in addition to a great comb-over hair style. These attributes have established a new level of competence for those seeking the presidency. I simply could not compete.

But I digress. My reason for communicating with all of you, my loyal followers, on this occasion is to make you aware of a growing crisis on our college campuses. I have become aware of this serious problem during my daily walks--and no, contrary to what some of my detractors have suggested, I am not wandering about campus because I can no longer find my office, but because I have found that many of our societal social problems can be observed in these brief excursions from my protected office environment.

Yes, well--here is the crux of the problem, or the problem in a nutcase--or should that be nutshell? I forget. Anyway, the problem is this: more and more young people, particularly young women, are suffering in extreme poverty while they attempt to complete a college education. How do I know this, you might ask? Well, I did not get to be a doctor of science for nothing. I make observations, you see. I watch our students as I wander around looking for my office...no, I meant to say while I am getting some fresh air. You may be as shocked as I to discover that perhaps 15-20% of our current college students cannot afford to buy a good pair of jeans. I have attached a few example photos for you so that you can see the magnitude of the problem.

 

Can you imagine the struggles these students must have to even keep themselves fed and housed when they cannot afford to buy new jeans. Where is United Way, the World Health Organization, the Children's Hunger Alliance, the national church charities, the AMA, ABA, NOW, OPEC, NRA, CBS, ABC, USSR, etc. on this important issue. Do they not care? Where does our President stand on this critical issue?

Frankly, I am quite disturbed that I have not been able to find anyone who seems to care. University administrators say their hands are tied by federal regulations. My contacts at the Environmental Protection Agency have told me that although this might be considered an environmental issue, they have got their hands full right now trying to decide whether or not global warming is real. The Department of Health and Human services refused to take my phone calls--something about my previous involvement with the DiHydrogen MonOxide (DHMO) scare. Which, by the way, is still a serious problem. 

Although both men and women are affected by this epidemic of student poverty, it seems to be much more prevalent among the young women on campus. So, I would have thought that the National Organization of Women would take up the cause, but here again my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

So, I have come to you, my faithful followers. I am going to start a fund called something catchy like "Grants for Pants" or "Means for Jeans" or perhaps "Anti-Poverty Program for Ladies in Education (APPLE)". I would like to hear from you and get your input on the name. Funds, of course, will be deposited in an unnamed account somewhere in the Caribbean. As always, you can be sure that any donations will only be spent on the purposes for which I intend them to be spent.