Books by the Professor

 I know that many of you have been wondering what has kept me occupied since the end of my presidential runs. At first, I thought I would simply retire into oblivion, watching reruns of old TV series. That still has considerable appeal, but you can only watch All in the Family so many times before you start acting like Archie Bunker. So, in order to maintain domestic peace, I decided to write. 

Now, I am sure that most of my followers have been waiting for my memoirs. Unfortunately, I'm still working on that. But here are a couple books that should be on every shelf--probably not because you have read them, but because all the proceeds go to my favorite charity--me.

First, here is a clean, romance with a little time-travel thrown in. As a warning, there might be some kissing involved. The Duke of Persistence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second, a story about an angel who, although he has a tendency to get into trouble, has a good heart. Finn Finkelton, Junior Angel. Both books are available through Amazon.

 

The Professor is Back

 

 

NEWS CONFERENCE WITH THE PROFESSOR

Professor: My fellow earthlings. It is my pleasure today to announce that my campaign for President...that's President of the Universe...is going well. As you may recall, I have attempted on other occasions to run for President of the United States, but have been foiled in my attempt by others with better hair styles. This will not be a problem in running for President of the Universe because, as far as I can tell, I am the only candidate.

Newsperson #1: Professor, what will be the main points of your campaign. What issues will you tackle in your run for President of the Universe?

Professor: I have a killer platform that will be hard to beat. In fact, there has never been a platform as great as mine and have you seen the crowds at my recitals...no, no, that's not it. What do you call those things when I get up on a podium and tell jokes to the crowds? Oh yes, my...my...no matter, it escapes me at the moment, but my crowds are enormous. Why at the last one I couldn't see more that a couple feet in front of me.

Newsperson #2: Might I remind you professor that your last rally was held in a broom closet.

Professor: Ah, yes. That's what you call them. Rallies. Mine are huge. And I want you all to know that my opponents are all idiots. My brain is ten times...no, a thousand times as big and smart as theirs.

Newsperson #1: But Professor, you said just moments ago that you don't have any opponents for this election. And how is someone supposed to vote for you anyway? 

Professor: Now, that is an important question. But first I want to state emphatically that there will be cheating and massive voter fraud during the election. They'll be using those damn machines imported from Burkina Faso to count the votes and as I discovered on my old Twitter account, Burkina Faso doesn't make voting machines. So, this is all some big scam put together by the Martians. And speaking of Martians, I promise that I won't let them continue to import that red dust with impunity. I plan to raise the import tariffs on all interplanetary dust, excepting, of course, Moon dust because we all know how poor the Moonies are. Always begging for donations at airports and ski resorts. I've even donated to them myself when I have found I carried a bit of change. Not that I would do this very often, mind you. Free handouts just encourage crime...the worst kinds of crime...like bending the corners over on the pages of borrowed books or flossing your teeth in public with one of those quirky little flossing sticks.

Newsperson #3: Professor, this is all very interesting, but could you give us your position on the economy? How do you propose to stimulate the economy?

Professor: Never you mind about that. I have a plan for the economy. A very sound, very important, very big plan. The best plan that has ever been put forward. Even Michael Scott has never had a plan so completely fabulous.

Newsperson #3: Professor, you do realize that Michael Scott is a fictional character, don't you?

Professor: What do you mean--fictional? I saw him just last night on TV. You can't tell me that's fictional. Why I'll bet you don't believe that Martians eat dirt. I've seen multiple reports of this and it is truly disgusting. When I am elected President of the Universe, I promise to make dirt eating illegal...unless of course the dirt eaters wish to vote for me, then I would have to reconsider this position. But let's get back to the important issues. The Universe is going to hell in a hand basket and my opponents claim everything is fine. How can they say everything is fine when we're still allowing kids to eat hot dogs and bologna? How can they claim everything is fine when Pluto has been reduced to something other that a regular planet? How can they claim the Universe is not in trouble when scientist are discovering hundreds of new planets every year? Can you imagine the influx of immigrants that will soon be swarming to earth, taking jobs that no earthling wants, and bringing with them interplanetary diseases and crime. Crime will triple...no quadruple...if the influx of extraterrestrials does not stop. I promise to build a solid fence around the entire earth to stop this flow of unhuman garbage.

Newsperson #2: Wow, Professor. I really don't know where to start in responding to all of that.

Professor: I know. It's just overwholming...or is it overwhelming? Just be assured that I have everything under control. I intend to Make the Universe Great Again...MUGA. Isn't that a great slogan. I came up with it myself and, if you are interested, I am selling hats, scarves, jackets, coins, photos, ties, shoes, kitchen appliances, and many other valuable, high-quality items emblazoned with MUGA. These items will go fast, so get your order in soon. Just Venmo $500 for each item directly to The Professor. You will never regret the purchase of a $500 MUGA hat. No time for more questions. I can see that some in my crowd are leaving...no, no, you didn't hear me say that. The crowd is just getting bigger and bigger so that we might have to move this news conference out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

An Interview with "Q"

As many of my loyal followers know, I have been politically active for many years, even having run for President a couple of times. What almost no one, not even my closest advisors, knows is that I have been working for the past four years as an advisor to President Trump and as his liaison to the mysterious and popular figure "Q." I admit, that when the President first approached me about the opportunity, I was not certain that having a former British intelligence officer tied to the US presidency was ideal, but I was assured that no one would connect the Q in QAnon with his former role as creator of fine gadgets for 007.

So, with that introduction, I am pleased today to be able to provide my readers with a closer look inside the mind of this fascinating man.

PROFESSOR: It is so nice to have this opportunity to visit in the open Q. We have spent several years now silently working in the background and your followers are eager to know more about the man.

Q: Now, you remember that we have agreed that you will not ask any hard questions.

PROFESSOR: Yes. We'll stick with the soft-ball questions. First, Q, how did you get into the unsubstantiated rumor business?

Q: Well, after MI6 replaced me with someone younger, I floundered around a bit before I discovered that the rumor business was pretty wide open. I mean with all of the new tools you Americans have provided for fostering this sort of thing, it just seemed like a natural sort of fit. Rather than create new gadgets and always let someone else get the girls and the glory, why not be the instigator myself.

PROFESSOR: I see...so why the US? Why not have stayed in the UK and helped Boris Johnson? He seems to be similar to President Trump in many ways.

Q: Yes, that may be true. But people in the US are just so much more gullible. They will believe almost anything I put out. For example, you remember the Pizza shop business we stirred up a while back. I had no idea that someone would actually buy into that rumor. Who in their right mind would believe that powerful Democrats were secretly having orgies with underage teens in the basement of a Pizza shop? I'm not sure it even had a basement.

PROFESSOR: Yes, we've pushed that rumor about as far as we can now, haven't we? The President was pleased to see how well that rumor took off. And besides, it did deflect some of the attention from his own links to that kind of business. But enough about the past. What are your plans going forward? How long can we continue to push the "stolen election" rumors?

Q: Well, you know the President. Once we give him a good rumor to run with, he is reluctant to let it go. I am sure he will still be putting the illegal ballots and stolen election rumors forward for many years to come. Wouldn't be surprised to see him start a new reality TV show around the idea. And we actually did find some fraudulent votes. Unfortunately, most of them were discovered in the trunk of Eric's car while it was parked outside of the Philadelphia election center. I'm not sure how he was planning to get those into the system, but details like that have never bothered the Trump boys.

PROFESSOR: But again, what are your plans now that we will apparently have a new president?

Q: To be honest, I haven't thought too much about it. I suspect I will take a bit of a vacation (I apologize to all those waiting to hear from me). And after that, who knows? Perhaps Nancy Pelosi could use a good person in the unsubstantiated rumor department. 

PROFESSOR: Well, it has been a pleasure to work with you for the last few years and I am sure we'll be hearing more from you in the future. Rumors and conspiracy theories are always in style.